SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 29th, 2024, 1:34am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    July/August 2007 One Week Challenge  ›  Shadow River Moderators: OWC
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Shadow River  (currently 4548 views)
OWC
Posted: August 5th, 2007, 5:25pm Report to Moderator
New



Posts
34
Posts Per Day
0.01
Shadow River by Elisabeth Dubois (Elis)  (OWC name - Stev Kimmer)  - Short, Thriller - A young married couple buy a cheap old houseboat off ebay; Soon to realize, they have bought more than they bargained for.   August '07 One Week Challenge entrant. - pdf, format


The One Week Challenge

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  August 18th, 2007, 3:44pm
Logged Offline
Private Message
zdamort
Posted: August 6th, 2007, 1:58am Report to Moderator
New



Posts
32
Posts Per Day
0.01
500 dollar boat - They got ripped off!

"John laughs and rapes her" - That seems odd.  Wording, not the action(well that too, but that's not the point!)  That's difficult to see in my mind.  When I hear "She walks" I can visualize that, but "rapes her" ?  How long was the raping?  The time issue there could have been better, I think.

"And i got off on it" - a little too on the nose for my taste.

Also, he wanted a challenging hunt.  How challenging is it really to lure people in through ebay like that.  Not too challenging, I'd imagine.

Other than that, it was suspensful.  Between Susie going missing, Peter freaking out, and wondering if Mark was the bad guy or if there could be something supernatural going on...I liked it for the most part.


  I hope I didn't come off rude!  

Scripts
The Slow Getaway
Excerpt - Out of State
Criticism's appreciated!
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 16
Zack
Posted: August 6th, 2007, 8:23am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Erlanger, KY
Posts
4487
Posts Per Day
0.69
You're format is good and... well... that's the only positive thing i have  to say other tan the story has a little potential.

First of all, the genre was thriller. This is a slasher/snuff. It wasn't entertaining in the least. It is sick.

You're characters are as dry as Rob Zombies humor. Please, give them some emotion! When 3-year old is crying for his mom I should feel bad for the kid, not be bored and annoyed.

Page 4 Mark says "It's all yars". That souunds absolutey ridiculous. Also, on the same page Mark has some double dialogue. Which brings me to my next complaint...

The dialogue isn't very believable. In some cases it is just down right terrible!

Did you submit you're first draft? Many sentences seem a bit off. Example- Pg 5 John says to 3-year old Mark -"Shut up and go home you little brat go home."
There are more, but I don't wanna point them all out.

I laughed out loud  during the rrape scene. It was so terribly bad! It was "The Cabin" bad. What were you thinking?!

The rape scene flashback was very random and seemed out of place. Lose it.

As I said earlier, the story has potential. You just need to learn more before you are ready to deliver a deserving script.

Sorry if I'm coming off as rude or mean. I don't like it when people sugar coat their reviews, so I don't sugar coat mine.  Only the truth here. Good luck in the future.

~Zack~
Logged
Private Message Reply: 2 - 16
randyshea
Posted: August 6th, 2007, 2:06pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
57
Posts Per Day
0.01
Nice suspenseful effort for this exercise. Your story was put together well enough that it kept me reading to find out what happens next. The flashback does feed into Susie falling to foul play without using her. The bumping of Suzie's head was nice.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 16
Breanne Mattson
Posted: August 7th, 2007, 1:16am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1347
Posts Per Day
0.20
Susie said, “Someone’s hurt,” to herself when she heard a man scream. That sounds like a cartoon superhero. “Someone’s hurt! I’ve got to change into….” It’s unnecessary dialogue.

John laughs and rapes her? I’m sorry but this is lazy writing. This writing implies that the entire rape is shown in its entirety and you leave the director to figure out how to do it. If you only want to imply a rape has occurred, you have to write it that way. Just, “he rapes her,” is unacceptable as a description. You don’t have to write a graphic rape scene - I would personally prefer you didn’t - but you do have to describe what’s happening.

P7 - John’s van nears the campsite but Peter gets out. Names mixed up.

Same thing on P14 - Officer Mike yells at Mark and then he morphs into Officer Rick. Then he morphs back into Mike.

While I’m on Officer Mike, you may want to use a name less similar to another character. You have a character named Mark and then introduce Mike. I know in real life there are people named Mark and Mike who may talk to each other but this is one area where screenplays differ from real life. Characters’ names need to be generally a little more differentiated unless there’s some reason why they’re very similar.

It’s inconceivable that the police would allow the houseboat to be burned two weeks after finding out it had so much evidence of so many murders in it. The police would most likely have confiscated the entire boat as evidence. There would no doubt be tons of evidence to help find the identities of who knows how many missing women. I doubt it would be getting burned. I also doubt very seriously that pathologists could distinguish between twelve women’s skeletons and one male skeleton in only two weeks. Nor do I think they would date the bones of fourteen skeletons that quickly either. Maybe a year later.

At the end, when Officer Mike and Peter were talking about Mark and then his partner; none of that dialogue rang true for me. It all sounded forced, rushed, and insincere.

Another big problem with the story is that Peter is passive. Yes, he tries to find his wife. And accidentally finding her is fine. But - after he finds her - he’s completely passive in the situation. A wounded police officer has to miraculously turn up and save the day - a character who wasn’t really in the script up to that point and wasn’t developed in any way. He was essentially Cop One until he shows up to save the day. Then it’s like there was an attempt to develop him quickly at the end. It was like you said, oh hey I’ve got this new character emerging with this cop; I’d better give him some meatier lines.

This story had the distinct feel of being a work in progress. It had some good writing in it but it was ultimately just too underdeveloped.


Breanne


Logged
Private Message Reply: 4 - 16
Scar Tissue Films
Posted: August 8th, 2007, 3:33am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Posts
3382
Posts Per Day
0.63
Premise:  Fairly strong, the hunter luring new victims. 7/10

Relation to theme:  More of a slasher than a thriller? Perhaps but I'll let you sneak in. You used the boat.  6/10

Story: A bit "by the numbers", it was short on originality and there were some flaws of logic, such as the boat being burnt. It wasn't terrible, but some of the writing was slightly weak.  5/10
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 16
CindyLKeller
Posted: August 8th, 2007, 9:24am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1467
Posts Per Day
0.20
I think this was pretty good for a one week script.

I was on the edge of my chair during a lot of it, and when he said "Wonderful catch", well that just creeped me totally out.

I agree with the others about buring the boat. They should just turn it over to the cops.

Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 - 16
Parker
Posted: August 10th, 2007, 5:32pm Report to Moderator
New


Yes

Location
England
Posts
278
Posts Per Day
0.04
Hmm. Okay this one was I guess. Didn't float my boat though. (I know, it's probably been used already.)

It wasn't terribly original. The whole luring and hunting thing I found bad. Not my kind of story and something I've definitely seen before. I expected more I guess. The whole buying of the boat from Ebay was a good idea and the villain was a nicely done character but I didn't like it I'm afraid.

The writing wasn't bad. Could be a lot better though I reckon. Dialogue was fine also. Mark's was the best I think. Others were normal. Nothing exciting or new though. A little disappointing. Still...

Idea: 6/10
Relation to Theme and Genre: 7/10
Overall: 5.5/10

Not my cup of gravy.

Jamie


I may be an idiot, but I'm no idiot.
Logged
Private Message Windows Live Messenger Reply: 7 - 16
mcornetto
Posted: August 11th, 2007, 12:45am Report to Moderator
Guest User



Formatting: Good
Actions: Ok.  Occasionally poor - such as 'he rapes her'.
Characters:  Ok.  Some backstory - no distinctive traits thought.
Dialogue:  OK.  A bit on the nose most of the time.
Story: Good.  The story was not unusual but it wasn't bad either.  You even threw some suspense in.  
Logged
e-mail Reply: 8 - 16
James McClung
Posted: August 11th, 2007, 1:17pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Washington, D.C.
Posts
3293
Posts Per Day
0.49
I feel like if I had read this earlier, I would have had a different opinion about it. The writing is decent and I haven't seen the hunting theme anywhere else. Overall, it's a pretty good fit as far as the OWC goes. My only gripe would be the cops came off as a little incompetent. Unfortunately, I wasn't really able to enjoy this one for the sake that there's been so many others with bound-and-gagged females, rednecks, and victims suspended over water. This felt like a hodgepodge of various other entries. Of course, the same could be said about the others. It's not intentional, of course. I'm pretty sure you didn't expect things to turn out like this but from a reader's standpoint, it's a little tedious to read the same script over and over again, especially when there's forty OWC entries in total.

Overall, I couldn't get into this one but it's not really the fault of the script itself.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 9 - 16
punch66
Posted: August 11th, 2007, 1:59pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
14
Posts Per Day
0.00
I thought this was mediocre at best.  I'm getting bored of reading scripts about hick guys who rape innocent young women.  It's the plot of almost every horror movie you see and, as in this case, it allows for lazy character development and little else.  

People tired of hunting animals so they hunt humans.  See: "Most Dangerous Game."  Tired.  

awkward and stilted dialogue in places.

p.7 typo -- peter shows up but you wrote "john" emerges from the van

a night search is impossible for the cops?  c'mon.  flashlights have since been invented.

The speech Mark gives to explain himself on p. 14 is the typical "this is why I am who I am" speech, and it doesn't even make sense since you set Mark as a child up as an innocent kid.  how did he go from innocent to "getting off on" watching killings?  now, that might've been an interesting story...

sorry if this is harsh, because I think you structured this thing well, but the content needs help.  The second rape flashback is also a bit unnecessary --we don't learn anything we don't already know.    

Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 10 - 16
Sandra Elstree.
Posted: August 14th, 2007, 4:49pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

Location
Bowden, Alberta
Posts
3664
Posts Per Day
0.60
I really liked the logline on this one.  It has a good beginning and it didn't have any typos that I could see.

I think the trouble with it is the fact that it blends in with how many other scripts like it.

After awhile, these stories all look alike and the only thing we remember are the characters.  So I just don't feel like originality is coming through here.

A couple of small things to mention: Someone usually knows to bring a pot to boil first before dropping in the vegetables.

At the end, Officer Mike, is shown to be grinning.  I just don't see how that can be.  Yes, it's a good thing that they finally caught the guy, but I can't see him grinning.  He might look relieved I'd think, not cheery faced.

Also, I can't see him asking the question: Why burn the boat?  That's obvious.  The question should be: "Why wouldn't you burn the boat?"

There wasn't a lot of time to do this, so that has to be taken into account.

This was a nice effort I think.

A good looking script.

Sandra

  

  



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 11 - 16
Blakkwolfe
Posted: August 18th, 2007, 1:47pm Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
Florida, USA
Posts
706
Posts Per Day
0.12
Liked the title. Seems that after Thomas and Julianne were killed, someone would have started looking for them. I'd imagine they'd be looking at the lake, especially around the docks.
Mark would've known they were coming. I think also Peter would have introduced his wife as Susan, instead of the more informal Susie, especially as this guy is coming off a bit creepy.
I wouldn't leave my wife alone in the woods with that guy out there.
Pete's also a pretty easy sell. I'd have HIM running down the hardware store, fixing the lock, cleaning off the boat before he got a nickel out of me. $500 bucks is $500 bucks, y'know?
We hear a gunshot and a man scream. Who was that screaming? Mark to set her up? Might explain that action.
John's line to the poor woman of the "hunt is about to begin"? Hunt for what? Seems like the "hunt" is well over at this point.
The Police aren't to bright. Sure, they can search at night. They got flashlights, dogs, helicopters, boats...They'd start looking.
Susie is a wimp. For once I'd like to see a woman victim get midevel on these abusive rape guys.
Anyway, they wouldn't have burned the boat, looking for additional DNA of those that might not match the skeletons beneath the boat.
Also, If Peter was in the water up to his waist, that's pretty shallow. He'd be stepping on all those bones.
Officer Mike wouldn't be grinning at the end, as he's still be torn up emotionally by the death of his fallen comrade.
I hope these thoughts might be helpfull to you.


Failure is only the opportunity to begin again more intelligently - Dove Chocolate Wrapper
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 12 - 16
mgj
Posted: August 18th, 2007, 9:17pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
British Columbia, Canada
Posts
253
Posts Per Day
0.04
Hey Elis,

I thought this was pretty tense.  All the elements were there and it was well written.  I do think that the story could be condensed a little though.  For the purposes of this exercise I think you might have been a little too ambitious.  It actually reads like a treatment for a much larger story.  If you focused the attention a few key scenes then I think it would have played better as a short story.  

I liked the senario you created - purchasing a boat on-line and it being used to lure people into a trap.  I also like how it ended.  Maybe one week isn't enough time to pass though.  I might change that to maybe a month or even a year.  That last line did make me smile.  It's also nice to see the victim (one of them anyway) survive for once.  


"If at first, the idea is not absurd, then there is no hope for it." - Albert Einstein
Logged
Private Message Reply: 13 - 16
elis
Posted: August 21st, 2007, 8:32am Report to Moderator
New


I'm back :)

Location
Brisbane, Queensland, Australia
Posts
293
Posts Per Day
0.05
Thank you all for taking the time to read the script. All reviews were appreciated even yours Zack!


Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 14 - 16
 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    July/August 2007 One Week Challenge  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Thread Rating

There have been 7 votes for this thread.
 
Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006