SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 28th, 2024, 10:11am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    July/August 2007 One Week Challenge  ›  Transvulger Moderators: OWC
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    Transvulger  (currently 2756 views)
OWC
Posted: August 5th, 2007, 5:31pm Report to Moderator
New



Posts
34
Posts Per Day
0.01
Transvulger by Shannon Wells (msn)  (OWC name - Sebell)  - Short, Thriller - After eventless Ouija board stint in a ragtag boat house, teens retire home to find that the séance is far from over.   August '07 One Week Challenge entrant. - doc, format


The One Week Challenge

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  August 18th, 2007, 3:48pm
Logged Offline
Private Message
Zombie Sean
Posted: August 5th, 2007, 7:27pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Colorado
Posts
1547
Posts Per Day
0.23
This was an odd read, though I do like ghost stories.



SPOILERS


- You forget to introduce Riley.

- If it's Blake's party, why are they having it in a houseboat at Riley's house?

- There were some spelling errors, but no big deal.

- This hole deal with the boat moving by itself is actually quite funny. I'm not trying to be mean or rude or anything, but it just pops up out of nowhere and they're like, "WTF?!"

- Some of the dialogue doesn't really fit in some places. Like in some parts it just doesn't flow.

[EDIT]: - Also, lose the few 'we sees' I saw lingering around in there. Unless you plan on shooting this script, you don't need them.



Overall this was an okay read. I liked the concept though I think it would have been a bit better if the boat didn't really move throughout the house, and just the girl moved around, but I guess that'd be too much like The Grudge or The Ring. Good job, though.

Sean

Revision History (1 edits)
Zombie Sean  -  August 5th, 2007, 8:27pm
Logged
Private Message Reply: 1 - 12
movemycheese
Posted: August 6th, 2007, 2:54pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
U.S.
Posts
67
Posts Per Day
0.01
Ok, this was a weird story.

The atmosphere of the opening is good; it actually gave me a bit of a Lynch feel and I had expected the story to go a totally different direction. Bad me.

I really liked the fact that the boat is in their back yard, and being used as some place where the kids experiment with drugs and the supernatural.

The dialogue is so-so. Blake has some nice lines, but in some other places the dialogue just didn't work for me. The Jerry Rice 'trick' is kinda flat, for example.

You then make the boat move through the house, giving a whole new meaning to the word houseboat. No offense, but I didn't get a thriller feel out of that. It felt more like a scene out of 'Scary Movie'.

Like Zombie Sean said: don't give directions. "We swing around the structure.." Don't tell how the camera moves, leave that up to the director.
Even though you didn't go overboard, try to limit the number of parentheticals (aka wrylies): (smiling) (laughing). Unless truly necessary, just leave it up to the actors.

Overall it was an enjoyable read.

Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 12
Don
Posted: August 6th, 2007, 3:08pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
This confused me: "Tie: later. What’s going on outside: right now."  Not sure what that meant.

Good description of the boat.  

Great line: "Dan watches as Terri punishes the hard wood floor on her walk back to the bathroom,"  but it didn't fit with the following sentance "Her perfect legs melt back and forth through the slits in the shiny gold dress. "  To me, to 'punish' a hard wood floor is to commit the unpardonable sin of stomping across a hardwood floor in heels.  I don't think she is stomping.

"It…moved itself" vice "It…moved it’s self"

This was more horror than thriller in my opinion.  Very imaginative, tho.  I did have a hard time visualizing a house boat invading the house.




Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 3 - 12
Breanne Mattson
Posted: August 6th, 2007, 3:14pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1347
Posts Per Day
0.20
I noticed immediately that there’s camera direction such as POV and BACK TO SCENE. That shouldn’t be in a spec script. Scripts should be in spec format for any challenge or competition.

You have a production note at the beginning that the entire film is one shot, yet you have POVs, cuts, and location changes.

P2 - intent to sale - sell

P2 - defiantly time - definitely

Some of your casual exposition was a bit much. For example: “He’s back on the clock now ladies and gentlemen.” Sometimes it did work toward setting the tone and sometimes it just came off as forced or worked against it. “Goddamn it” being in the description, for example, came off as juvenile.

By the way, if the “vulger” part of the title “Transvulger” is supposed to reference vulgarity, then it should be spelled vulgar with an “a.”

P2 - fiddles with is - it

We follow him - “we sees” should be avoided in a spec script.

P2 - the scars could date all the way back to the future? - This is an example of a description that sounds forced and I don’t think it works.

P3 -  Dad, we’re you doing… - were

I was confused at first as to why Mr. Morris went to get Riley so they could leave when he was at his own house. It could be made clearer that Riley is going to be left home. Maybe Dan can go over some rules or something before he leaves.

It doesn’t make sense for Cinnamon to say it’s Blake’s party when they’re at Riley’s house.

LSD doesn’t normally start working as quickly as sixty seconds. Don’t ask me how I know that. I just know things. Skin absorption isn’t a very effective method either. That would also slow it down considerably. LSD in the form of kiddy stickers however is a very frightening prospect.

It was unbelievable to me that Blake couldn’t break free from Riley.

But the most unbelievable thing is that all three of the kids on acid saw the exact same hallucination without any differences. It’s inconceivable that such a thing could happen. We know it’s hallucinatory because Blake - who was sober - didn’t see anything. I know one could have fed the other’s imagination but they could not possibly have all had the exact same hallucination.

This at times went back and forth for me. I liked some of the description and the story and at other times felt it didn’t know what it wanted to be - a drug story or a ghost story. As a drug story where we know everything is hallucinatory, the ghost at the end isn’t really a threat - just another hallucination. If it’s a ghost story and the ghost at the end is real, then that sort of negates the point of the drug angle.

It was an interesting take on the genre and theme but it needs work.


Breanne


Logged
Private Message Reply: 4 - 12
stampede331
Posted: August 6th, 2007, 7:39pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
68
Posts Per Day
0.01
This was my least favorite so far.  There are a phenomenal amount of problems in the story and the dialogue.  

However, I will say that Dan does have some very convincing fatherly conversations with the kids, conversations that felt very authentic.  Additionally, misquoting the father to justify tasteless behavior was a nice touch.

The big problem for me was that there were so many errors, I didn't know when your insightful wit was just lackluster writing.  

LSD taking effect in 60 seconds???  Are you kidding me.  I don't do lsd, I don't even do drugs, but I am knowledgeable about them and LSD takes approximately an hour to kick in.

Also, the kids just dying wasn't very dramatic.  Nor was the boat's entrance to the house.  Now I'll be honest, by that time, I was sort of skimming because the story had just lost me and the internal logic just seemed to be missing.  So if there was some clever wrap up and I missed it, then it's my fault.  But there was just so much wrong here that my attention span couldn't keep up with my eyes as they scanned the pages.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 12
Scar Tissue Films
Posted: August 7th, 2007, 6:37am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Posts
3382
Posts Per Day
0.63
Premise: Haunted houseboat that actually starts moving about by itself. Workable 6/10

Relation to Theme: Most imaginative use of boat so far but this is a straight horror IMO, not a thriller. 5/10

Story: A touch laughable at times. I think you took some risks which is to your credit, but I don't think they all played out very well.

I doubt you could make this is one shot for instance and if you did there would be some extremely laborious bits where people are walking up and down the stairs and outside.

There was little suspense and the characters apart from the Dad were all a little flat. 4/10
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 - 12
Sandra Elstree.
Posted: August 7th, 2007, 6:46pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

Location
Bowden, Alberta
Posts
3664
Posts Per Day
0.60
There are a lot of positive things I can say about this scripts; however, it definitely has some flaws which need attention.

You need to pay attention to the numbering of the pages.  Your first numbered page begins on page 3.  It could be 2, but not 3.

There are several typos.  I've already done a lot of long crits or reviews--whatever you want to call them; so, I'm just going to say.  Clean them up because I really thought this was one of the best reads, but I can't vote for it on principle and that's a real shame.

You've done some good wordsmithing here and my sixth sense tells me that maybe you work on more than just screenplays.  Be careful though because it's totally different than short stories or novels.

I had problems following parts of this.  

I didn't understand Tie: Later  What's going on outside: right now.

No clue about the Lamaze.

I don't have a clue about the drugs here.  I've got all the imagination I need without using drugs; but it's interesting how you've got the bit about tatooes and LSD.

I guess I'm stupid in regards to that; but when I read it, way back in my memory I remember hearing about tatoos being used that way.

This was interesting because I didn't know what was going on.

Where did the name Transvulgar come from?

I can see some real talent in this piece.  The reference to Mrs. Morris' gown looking like it was painted on was excellent.

When Dan's talking about the light being wavy.  I thought this was excellent.  It was so natural sounding to me.

This is easily the best script I've read so far in this challenge; besides my own of course.

Pay attention to the grammar, spelling and all that jazz because if you don't you're going to be shooting yourself in the foot and otherwise good work will land smack on top of the slush pile before you can say "Edit."  

Nice effort!

Sandra






A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 7 - 12
Blakkwolfe
Posted: August 10th, 2007, 6:48pm Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
Florida, USA
Posts
706
Posts Per Day
0.12
Formatting was a bit awkward. Terri, forties, would probably not have been OK with her son's drug use unless its established early on that she is a user herself. Descriptions are bit wordy, (the scars covering its beaten shell could date all the way back to the future) but liked the painted on dress. One deep breath doesn't equal lamaze. That'd be like hyperventilatiing. Didn't understand why Cinnamon was bleeding. Could have shown that scene, that would have been creepy. Dad would have noticed everyones hands were cut and that they were trying to hide that fact. They also weren't acting like kids who got caught. Why were they rummaging through his backpack? Hard to imagine this boat moving around the corners of the walls and such. It should have had the house collapsing around it as it knocked out support beams and such. The girl/dog was cool; could have her chasing kids around with her slasher lollipop...A good effort, but I would have liked to have seen more of the seance as the set up, maybe some indictation that it DID work would have added to the suspense. Also, some more book/web research into the effects of hallucinagenics would have lent some more credibilty to thier delusion.


Failure is only the opportunity to begin again more intelligently - Dove Chocolate Wrapper
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 8 - 12
mcornetto
Posted: August 10th, 2007, 11:32pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



Formatting:  Poor. Lose the camera directions.
Actions:  For the most part they were ok.  Some were better than others.  You had a few too many asides to the reader for my tastes.  Sometimes WE don't enjoy that.
Characters:  A bit shallow.  Could have used fewer characters and more substance.
Dialogue:  Started out ok but the quality decreased as the page count increased.
Story:  Fair. There was no motivation for the ghost. Ghosts definitely need a backstory and hers was minimal.  The revenge happened far too quickly - I like my revenge prolonged. You should also do some research.  LSD would take 1 hour before its effects are felt.
Verdict: Below average.  I reckon you are pretty new at this, but you have a good imagination and the beginnings of a writing style.  So, by all means, do not be discouraged.  Keep writing.
  
Logged
e-mail Reply: 9 - 12
punch66
Posted: August 11th, 2007, 2:29pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
14
Posts Per Day
0.00
Promising start, then went south.

some typos "their" for "they're" on p. 2

"The scars covering its beaten shell could date all the way back to the future."  huh?

the story of Fran Dodson -- I think you could've SHOWN this instead of TELLING it... perhaps a combination of the two would've been cooler, more script-friendly

Marcus dies because of cut glass?  then Blake?  man, people are super clumsy in this story.    

The LSD thing has been criticized by others, but I'll add this: I think you could've done completely without the LSD.  It undercuts what could be a real houseboat invasion.  We never really know if it was real or imagined... plus, Blake didn't do LSD, so... he's seeing it too?

My favorite part: Fran's appearance at the end of the script.  Blue hands.  How she was licking the lollypop.  Very creepy.  Awesome visual.  But then it justs ends.      
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 10 - 12
chism
Posted: August 12th, 2007, 3:42am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Posts
1053
Posts Per Day
0.16
Okay..... wow. This script sure was something. Very imaginative use of the boat, but other than that there was really nothing to like. Your dialogue was very stilted and on the nose, your characters all seemed very two-dimensional and similar. It was like they were all the same people. Could've used a little more development.

Some strong visuals and one or two laughs don't make up for the script's other mistakes. As I said, you had a very imaginative use of the boat, but that was about all I liked. Better luck next time.


Matt.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 11 - 12
EBurke73
Posted: August 16th, 2007, 8:14pm Report to Moderator
New



Posts
124
Posts Per Day
0.02
The set up was very horror movie:  On a boat where a girl was killed by a pit bull years ago, a bunch of teens try to use a ouija board and - maybe? - summon a ticked off houseboat spirit.  The drugs are an interesting idea to have the viewer think they might be getting killed by their own imagination.  Maybe.

I think Terri is not Riley's mother, but his dad's girlfriend based on the "Terri and my Dad's whiskey" line.  That was one of the few subtle lines though.  By the way, I don;t think Riley ever got introduced in the descriptions, poor sod was a hanger on in his own house.  I also didn't buy that Dan would keep a boat where a killing occurred on his property for so long because he was lazy.  I would think the police would take the boat to the impound, not just leave it on the property where any thing could muss their investigation.  Between that and the fastest acting LSD in history, when the houseboat (!) started attacking people, I knew that this needed another draft to really think out hows and whys?

So did the houseboat come alive or didn't it?  If the idea is that it didn't we would need a lot more creative deaths than the ones we see, especially Riley's spontaneous death, which left me shaking my head wondering what happened.  We could cut the dad, though he;'s the most interesting character and Riley could tell the story since this on his property.  Blake's LSD tattoos should be found before we start, then Blake sees them on the kids, points out they're LSD, and the trip begins.  That way we have time to better set up the kids getting knocked off one by one.

If the houseboat did come alive, we need a REAL good explanation.


It's the trial of the minute

Houseboy - The Time We Were on Trial

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1188312962/

Now available:  Houseboy: The Series
The girls of Sigma Kappa Pi have a secret...
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1197232302/
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 12 - 12
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    July/August 2007 One Week Challenge  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Thread Rating

There have been 7 votes for this thread.
 
Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006