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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Jeremiad Moderators: bert
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  Author    Jeremiad  (currently 2215 views)
Don
Posted: August 12th, 2007, 8:56am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Jeremiad by Christopher Reid (Xtopher) - Short, Horror - Jeremie enters a mysterious mansion and discovers that he has the ability to walk on air.  As he explores the mansion, strange music begins to play and he’s determined to find out where it’s coming from.  4 pages - pdf, format


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chism
Posted: August 12th, 2007, 10:26am Report to Moderator
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Well, this script was really interesting. Very weird, which I liked.

I noticed a couple of formatting errors and spelling mistakes. Your opening paragraph doesn't have any spaces between full stops and the beginning of new sentences and you have written "muzak" instead of "music" on page one, but those are minor things. The twist at the end I saw coming. But I wasn't disappointed, because I don't think you were really intending to blow us all away with a mind-bending plot twist. It was well set up and obvious if you think about it, but it's not a bad ending by any stretch of the imagination.

You had some very strong visuals in the script, particularly the funeral sequence. The way you described the decaying mourners was very spooky. The way their eyes are bleeding and the colour of their skin, very vivid imagary there. I saw it very clearly in my head and I liked it a lot. Overall, an interesting read. At three pages, you've created something that reads well, and it is enjoyable. Considering there is no dialogue, this would work very well as something purely visual. I'd love to see this one put together. Well done, Chris.


Matt.
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alffy
Posted: August 12th, 2007, 1:17pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Chris

Typo page 1, you missed 'an' when it reads '...left of the photo sits old man in a...'

Muzak? music I think.

Jeremie touches down outside the elevator and then again inside, did he take off again?

You have some format issues but nothing major, spacing really.  After full stops sometimes you space and sometimes not.  Mainly though you need to tighten this up, you have too many unecassary words in your action.

This was ok but I wanna know some more info like, how did he die and why is he trapped in the mansion.  I know this might result in you losing some of the mystery so it's your call.

The ending I saw coming probably because you have Jeremie floating about, if he walked it might prolong the surprise, oh and finally why's this called 'Jeremiad'?  Don't get it.


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Breanne Mattson
Posted: August 12th, 2007, 1:46pm Report to Moderator
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Just a note for the above posters: Muzak is the trademark name for a particular type of music - the generic background music played in stores, restaurants, elevators, etc. It’s sometimes called “elevator music.” Actually it should be capitalized and the elevator adjective is unnecessary.

I thought it looked really good technically. I didn’t see anything that stuck out. So good job on that.

****SPOILERS****

As for the story, well, it was a bit odd. I felt it was fairly predictable that Jeremie would see himself in the coffin. The rest was unpredictable, though. I don’t quite know what to make of it. I would say Jeremie is dead and doesn’t see it, based on his corpse in the coffin and the missing eyes in the picture. But there was another character in the photo with missing eyes - the old man in the wheelchair - who is never seen outside the picture, so who knows?

As best as I can tell this is meant to be just a visual thing, possibly based on an actual dream the author had. There isn’t much to say. If a director wants to make a weird indiscernible short just to show off some bizarre images, here’s the script. Actually, I think this would work better as an animated short.


Breanne



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alffy
Posted: August 12th, 2007, 3:48pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Breanne Mattson
Muzak is the trademark name for a particular type of music - the generic background music played in stores, restaurants, elevators, etc. It’s sometimes called “elevator music.”



My mistake, I never heard that term before, maybe it's an American thing?


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

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Takeshi
Posted: August 12th, 2007, 11:13pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from chism
Well, this script was really interesting. Very weird, which I liked.

I noticed a couple of formatting errors and spelling mistakes. Your opening paragraph doesn't have any spaces between full stops and the beginning of new sentences and you have written "muzak" instead of "music" on page one, but those are minor things.


Ha. ‘Very weird’. That’s what your mate Alex Cooper said about one of my other scripts. Maybe I’m a weirdo. Lol.  Anyway, thanks for pointing out the technical errors and thanks for the review.


Quoted from alffy
Hey Chris

Jeremie touches down outside the elevator and then again inside, did he take off again?

The ending I saw coming probably because you have Jeremie floating about, if he walked it might prolong the surprise, oh and finally why's this called 'Jeremiad'?  Don't get it.


He touched down in front of the elevator and then glided inside and touched down inside the elevator.

I like the idea of having him walk around the mansion. You’re right that probably would prolong the surprise.  

Jeremiad \jair-uh-MY-uhd\, noun:
A tale of sorrow, disappointment, or complaint; a doleful story; also, a dolorous or angry tirade.

Thanks for the review Alffy.


Quoted from Breanne Mattson

As for the story, well, it was a bit odd. I felt it was fairly predictable that Jeremie would see himself in the coffin. The rest was unpredictable, though. I don’t quite know what to make of it. I would say Jeremie is dead and doesn’t see it, based on his corpse in the coffin and the missing eyes in the picture. But there was another character in the photo with missing eyes - the old man in the wheelchair - who is never seen outside the picture, so, who knows?

As best as I can tell this is meant to be just a visual thing, possibly based on an actual dream the author had. There isn’t much to say. If a director wants to make a weird indiscernible short just to show off some bizarre images, here’s the script.



Thanks for explaning Muzak, Breanne.

You were spot on about the dream. I’d just finished reading a good book called ‘American Purgatorio’ so the theme of purgatory was on my mind, when I dreamt that I was walking on air inside a mansion. That was the start of the story and I made up the rest.

The old man with the missing eyes was another member of the family who had also died. The rest were still alive, so they didn’t have their eyes cut out. The elevator was Jeremie’s opportunity to go to his next destination, but he got scared and went back out. So I guess the theme is purgatory and the denial of death.

As for making it into a film, it could make an interesting show reel for a budding cinematographer wanting to show off their skills.

Thanks for the review.

Revision History (1 edits)
Takeshi  -  August 13th, 2007, 6:39am
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Harry_Tuttle
Posted: August 12th, 2007, 11:30pm Report to Moderator
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Bloody paperwork. Huh!

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Christopher,
I am not sure about this one. There are some creepy details, the eyes of the photo the MUZAK. It might be cool to consider a more specific choice of muzak, like Air Supply (I'm all out of love) or Don Mclean (American Pie.)

Without any dialog or characterization I don't know why you chose to make a screenplay. The idea is cool, but seems suited more towards a short story or sudden fiction. It could be expanded from an interesting (though hardly original) idea to a longer piece of literature. Thanks for the read.
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Takeshi
Posted: August 12th, 2007, 11:52pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Harry,

I wanted to have a go at purely visual story, so, it is what it is. I could expand it by having Jeremie visit different rooms in the mansion and see various stages of his life play out in each of the rooms. It could be like his life was flashing before his eyes.

Maybe he could go into a kid’s room at the start and see a scene from his childhood and so on. Perhaps as he continued to go from room to room we could see the various stages of his life leading up to his death, which would be revealed in the Muzak room. The Burt Lancaster movie 'The Swimmer' unfolds in a similar way.
However, I suspect if I was to do that it would probably blow out into a feature length script which isn't what I had in mind for this, but you never know, maybe somewhere down the track I'll have a go at it.

Thanks for your feedback, Harry.  

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Takeshi  -  August 13th, 2007, 6:32am
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chism
Posted: August 13th, 2007, 5:31am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Takeshi
Ha. 'Very weird'. That's what your mate Alex Cooper said about one of my other scripts.


Yeah. Sounds like something he'd say.

Anyway, if you got other scripts on the site, PM me with a link, I'd love to give some of your other stuff a read.  


Matt.

Revision History (1 edits)
chism  -  August 13th, 2007, 5:47am
Because I'm an idiot, happy???
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sniper
Posted: August 13th, 2007, 6:54am Report to Moderator
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Hey Xtopher,

I thought this was fairly good, a tad wordy though (you could trim a little of the descriptions away), for a four pager I think it took a little too long to read.

The story itself was really weird but that's okay, it felt like recuring dream.

About the scene where he's looking at the picture, I think it would help if you put an INSERT PICTURE in there. I know it's kind of technical (and I don't usually use INSERT in my scripts) but I think it would actually help here. Anyway, just a thought.

Good work

Cheers
Rob


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Takeshi
Posted: August 13th, 2007, 7:08am Report to Moderator
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It's funny you should mention that Rob. I actually deliberated over putting an insert in for that scene. I'll try it when a do rewrite and see if it works.

Thanks for the feedback.    
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Harry_Tuttle
Posted: August 13th, 2007, 10:38am Report to Moderator
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You could also just set up a new action line in ALL CAPS
_______________________________________________________

INT. EMPTY ROOM - NIGHT

Jeremy stops in front of the mantle piece and picks up a photograph

PHOTOGRAPH

He sees himelf standing in the middle...
________________________________________________________


I prefer this rather than INSERT. It just conserves language and gives a clear idea of what is on screen. It works best for things like televison screens, because INSERT TELEVISION seems awkward.

_______________________________________________________

INT. LIVING ROOM - MORNING

Karen is channel surfing

TELEVISION SCREEN

Home shopping network, MTV cribs, a clown juggling cats, a hair restoration infomercial.
________________________________________________________
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tonkatough
Posted: August 14th, 2007, 1:41am Report to Moderator
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I had a lot of fun visulizing   everything you had in this script. Lots of vivid. imagintive stuff going on here.

My favourite  was when he goes into the elevator and as the doors close all power and lights go off and when he panics and opens the door again the lights come back on again. Very kooky.

Plus the mourners all sitting in a row with blood weeping out of their eye sockets was like the musical Pink Floyd's The Wall but cranked up by ten.


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Takeshi
Posted: August 14th, 2007, 7:09pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks, Harry. I'll try that when I do the rewrite and see how it looks.

Thanks for the positive feedback,Tonka. I'm glad you liked it.
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DirectorG13
Posted: August 17th, 2007, 8:20pm Report to Moderator
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I liked it. I mean, the ending was particularly unsatisfying and didn't make much sense. I comprehend that he's experiencing a constant loop until he finally accepts death or at least that was my interpretation but generally, I didn't feel anything for the character. Perhaps that was the point but regardless, I didn't really feel anything for him. Although, I feel it'd be a terrific visual fest and put in the right hands could kick major ass but there's still that disconnection. Anyway, I liked it. I dug your writing style. I think you could've added a little more in terms of what the character's expressions were just to give us a hint of what he was feeling, something like that but I liked it. Keep writing. Good effort.
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