The Scout by Shawn - Short, Monologue - The Scout is about a war that takes place in the distanct future. 8 pages - doc, format

Shawn -- Sorry dude. I just couldn't get through the story. Here is why.

1. You are giving us camara direction. In a spec script do not give us direction. Let the director have some creative decisions.

2. Your story line was "ho-hum." Needs a twist. We know all about war and platoons. What happens that is unique.

3. Your descriptions were waaaaaayyyyyyy too long. Break them up into short two to three line blurbs.... and.... and.... only show us the detail. Never never never tell us.

Go read some professionally written scripts for some clues, and maybe read a book or two to help you out.

Good luck in the future.

We should cut, if cut we must, to CAPTAIN, if we're not going to use names, as opposed to " then captain, an army captain."  But that's an easy fix.

The opening dialogue is very stilted.  I realize that it's to set up why we're sending a scout, but it felt as though we could've cut half the dialogue, but it makes the Captain seem a little indecisive.

Why would the platoon stand up?  Doesn't that make them vulnerable if enemies are around?  The text needs to be broken up and made more concise (for instance "After fifty feet, the private squints ahead.  An enemy soldier hides behind a log.  The enemy fires a red laser bolt, which fries the ground next to the private.") and active.  Where do these enemy soldiers come from?  Were they that well hidden?  We need a better description of the forest.  The problem is, if it is really thick, the sergeant is an nitwit for going based on sight.  Also, if this is futuristic enough to use laser bolts, wouldn't they have some sort of device, like a tricorder, to scout the area?

As I read further, I definitely believe the text needs to be broken up.  I got lost and had to read everything twice because it got so hard to follow.  When you consider this is an action piece, we really need to follow what's happening to get a clear view.

Wow, that private guy is amazing.  Disobeying orders to charge into action and then, after a brutal fight with the enemy, saving the captain's life after the sergeant failed to do so.  I'm a little concerned that this is a case of "I have an amazing character and look how cool he is."  It's a little unrealistic.  You may want to go back and create some backstory for us to understand how one private is able to do so much without being Captain America.  You have plenty of room to expand, as this is 8 pages, so build something.  Who are the enemies?  Do the soldiers have names?  Something with a little grounding.

My knowledge of the military is limited, but the way the Captain, Sergeant and Private interacted just didn't ring true to me: surely they'd order people to do stuff rather than ask?

For example: "I need to ask you to scout ahead while we get ready. Will you do that?" - wouldn't he just tell the Private to do it? At another point you have the Private telling the Sergeant what to do, which I'm sure is frowned upon in most armies.