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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Substitute Angels Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: September 11th, 2007, 9:41pm Report to Moderator
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Substitute Angels by Tyler Higgins (Higgonaitor) - Short, Comedy - What happens when you desperately need advice but your guardian angel has called in sick?  You get visited by the substitute angels. 28 pages - doc, format


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Shelton
Posted: September 12th, 2007, 10:28pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Higgs,

Decided to pop this one open for a quick read.  Here's some thoughts.

Your early descriptions are huge.  I think you could do with trimming these off or breaking these up a bit.

I think the Beauty School Dropout thing goes on far too long, and that's just the initial opening.  I liked how it picked up again after they started talking, but I'd get to that a little quicker.

I think this got a lot better when you started to get into the past, present, and yet to come portion.  Things seemed to flow better, and I liked the gag with the grave site.  I can see potential in the part with Frankie as well, but I think it needs to be tightened up a little bit before it matches the rest of the script.

I think the bits with Clarence and the Fairy Godmother were well done, but I definitely liked the three ghost portion the best, and thought it was the best written part as well.

Hope this helps.  On the whole, I enjoyed it.


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Blakkwolfe
Posted: September 13th, 2007, 8:46am Report to Moderator
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Hi Tyler;

This had some funny moments. Very Shrek-like in his outlook.

Liked the fairy godmother at the end the best. Very Un-Disneyed by this point in her career.

Liked the intial "beauty school dropout sequence," but I think the impact would be lost on this generation who may not be familiar with Grease. The others, Dickens and Wonderful life are timeless classics. Don't think Grease is in that class yet.  It does run a little long, and just the intial WTF shock of a broadway cast of singing angels decending into his bedroom would be good.

Liked the arguments with the ghosts, particularly the Ghost of present. Yeah, that is a pretty lame power when you stop to think about it. Funny visuals of Future just getting exasperated with this kid.

Kind of takes a dark turn with Clarence, but that is the moral of the story. Life's short, do what you can with it.

Didn't get the twins with bloody faces...

The ending didn't really resolve anything in Sam's character.
I'd rather seen Sam learn from this experience and start trying to get what he wanted out of life. Dump the homework in the trash, pick up his Fender Squire guitar and become the next Zakk Wylde. Or maybe start reading a screenplay book.

Take some alternative action so that his life doesn't follow that course of college, cubicle dweller, corporate clone or whatever.

Overall though, very well done. I enjoyed it and got a few laughs. Hope this is helpful.


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sniper
Posted: September 13th, 2007, 11:20am Report to Moderator
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Hey Tyler,

I thought this got more and more funny as it progressed. But I gotta admit though that the first 4-5 pages with Frankie didn't do it for me. I think that scene was simply too long - like overstretched - and it didn't really tie in with the rest of the story as far as I could see. Cos' when you shifted the story to the three ghosts it sorta came out of nowhere and I was like "Hey, what was the point of Frankie?".

But the story really did take off when the three ghosts came into play. That was really good. And funny as hell cos' everything they said sort of bummed out Sam even more.

It did get a little repetitive though and I'm glad that you decided to cut short Yet To Come's scene (though the fake tombstone was brilliant).

It was a nice change when you introduced Clarence and the fairy godmother, things got a little more serious at the point and that took the story to a new level. Also, it made Sam more active instead of just being reactive. Nice twist - well done.

All in all I enjoyed this script and I think you managed to get a rather serious point across (even though it was a comedy). The script itself could be a little shorter. Like i said, the scene with Frankie runs a little long.

Nice work - keep it up

Cheers
Rob


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Mr.Ripley
Posted: September 13th, 2007, 12:25pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Tyler,

It's been a while since I've read anything of yours yet. This was funny. I enjoyed the number of characters that you introduced here as angels and their interactions with Sam. I'm just slightly confused on how the Shinging twins are angels? However, it was funny to watch them.

A couple of things I saw that you can fix are:

You add too much detail in the beginning paragraphs. You should trim it down.

I'm curious in how the yet to come ghost of christmas get to paste the sheet of paper on the grave?

The opening sequence drags a bit long and I think Sam's reaction should be quick since there's a guy in his room singing to him about beauty school dropout. He should be already asking who this guy is rather than look glumly already.

Hope this helps,
Gabe


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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Higgonaitor
Posted: September 14th, 2007, 11:37am Report to Moderator
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Hey, thanks for the reads guy's, all great help.  Looks like I'll have to cut the Beautyschool dropout song a little shorter then.  I thought i might have to, although it's really more of a scene to be watched then read, like any dance scene.


Quoted from Blakkwolfe
Liked the arguments with the ghosts, particularly the Ghost of present. Yeah, that is a pretty lame power when you stop to think about it. Funny visuals of Future just getting exasperated with this kid.

Ha.  yeah, and little known fact is that Present only lives on christmas present.  It's a ne wone every christmas, he says in the book something about all his brothers stretching way back.  What alame life.  An it's not future, it's yet to come.  Come on.


Quoted from Blakkwolfe
Didn't get the twins with bloody faces...
From the shining.  NOty really angels, but i thought it would be funny for shock value, also I plan to film this this winter and I know a pair of twin girls and said I'd let them be in it.  I think it fits well though, reinstates the humor that had been a little lacking since the appearance of clarence.


Quoted from Blakkwolfe
The ending didn't really resolve anything in Sam's character.
I'd rather seen Sam learn from this experience and start trying to get what he wanted out of life. Dump the homework in the trash, pick up his Fender Squire guitar and become the next Zakk Wylde. Or maybe start reading a screenplay book.

Take some alternative action so that his life doesn't follow that course of college, cubicle dweller, corporate clone or whatever.


I really didn't want to do that.  I'm kind of making fun of the guardian angel films in a way, saying that things just aren't that easy.  My point is a bit of a somber one, but it is that you can't always get life just the way you want it, that life isn't perfect, and you just have to deal with it and get as much out of it as you can.


Quoted from Mr. Ripley
I'm just slightly confused on how the Shinging twins are angels? However, it was funny to watch them.
Thats just what I wanted, the humor of watching them.


Quoted from Mr. Ripley
The opening sequence drags a bit long and I think Sam's reaction should be quick since there's a guy in his room singing to him about beauty school dropout. He should be already asking who this guy is rather than look glumly already.

i find it difficult to write down how surprised someone would be in this scenario.  I feel like he would be too surprised at first to say anything..I think I will have to work on that part.


Quoted from Mr. Ripley
I'm curious in how the yet to come ghost of christmas get to paste the sheet of paper on the grave?
I'm not quite sure what you're asking.  If you're asking how he did it, he just did, before they got there I guess.


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tomson
Posted: September 14th, 2007, 3:07pm Report to Moderator
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Tyler,

This was a nice little script about contemplating the meaning of life. I think you did a good job. A "cute" low key story.

I don't know why you have the paragraphs on the first page be so chunky. I know you know proper formatting.

I agree with the others that the beginning was a little slow going. I think you can trim that up some. It got more interesting when the three ghosts of Christmas showed up and I thought it was funny how they wondered if it was true that Sam was Jewish. That of course lead nicely to the carpenter.

Although I enjoyed the three ghosts, I liked Clarence and the Fairy Godmother better myself.

You had a nice easy going thing with this script and therefore the twins with the bloody faces didn't seem to fit in at all. It's okay to explore the darker stuff, but blood doesn't belong in this script, IMHO. Visually it ruins what you've set up previously.

I agree with the comment by someone else here, that the ending with Sam just lying down on the bed listening to music is unsatisfactory. I think he needs to do something different. Either get busy studying or decide he's going to be an actor, activist or something, but not go back to what he was doing when we first met him.

You did a very good job overall, just needs a few minor adjustments.

Good luck with it.  
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tonkatough
Posted: September 14th, 2007, 4:57pm Report to Moderator
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You, know when I first started reading this I rolled my eyes and huffed and thought "ah not another bloody reimagining of Christmas Carol. But that didn't last long cause the more pages I read the harder iI was laughing.

You have the perfect "everything is lame" attitude in this script. This is my favourite type of humor and I like it how a narrative points out how stupid and pathetic a certain subject can be.

Your main character is so jaded it's cool.  Plus the concept that we all live a meaningless life, die then go to heaven and have to endure a bunch of freaks is pure soild gold.

Have to agree with everyone above to lose the twins. I don't get it.


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James McClung
Posted: September 16th, 2007, 2:43pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Tyler,

I'm basically going to mirror what everyone else is saying but I'm going to add a little to it as well. I agree that the begining is too slow. This guy basically sings "Beauty School Dropout" in its entirety. This is no good. Trim it down some. Also, the song's copyrighted. You might try changing the lyrics around some if you're really set on using it. It'll be funnier that way anyway, which is good considering this is sort of a parody. Same goes for Bippity Boppity Boo.

Also, lose the twins for sure. A lot of people didn't seem to get them. I did. I've seen the Shining enough times to spot a reference from a mile away. Still, they don't fit into the guardian angel genre and certainly not into a guardian angel parody. Chuck 'em.

Overall, I liked this one a lot. Timeless classics/moral values and cynism go together like peas and carrots. They always make for good comedy. Sam was a big time cynic so it was fun to watch him interact with these other guys. I liked the ending too. A good way to wrap up a story like this. I liked the twist on the happily-ever-after as well. A major downer, in a good way and definitely consistent with the tone. You could downsize the font though. It still works without the huge letters. Probably even better. The large font looks a little silly to me.

Anyway, I enjoyed it. Good job, Tyler.


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Higgonaitor
Posted: September 17th, 2007, 2:35pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks guys,
I guess the general consensus is to pull the twins. I'd like to put something quick and light in their place though, something that really just goes for a visual shock laugh.  I was thinking drop dead fred, but i don't think enough people would get that, plus it's not that funny.

Maybe a heffalump?  Thats not really a guardian angel either though....  I'll give this more thought.

As for the ending, I'm not sure what to do.  I definetely don't want him doing his homework or becoming a "Free Spirit".  I just wanted a sort of "life goes on" ending.  I think it kind of fits.

-Tyler


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marlinmarko
Posted: September 18th, 2007, 2:20pm Report to Moderator
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Hey there,

glad I opened this one up, both for the read and the large amount of comments the story generated. My comedy taste tends to run somewhat dark so i dug the whole concept of your story. Initially moved really slow for me though and i did not get the bloody faces portion at all. However it started moving well right around mid pg 6 and all three ghosts were brought our extremely well. Very funny, natural dialogue and I had a few outload laughs throughout. The fake tombstone idea was really sharp.

good work on a very overworked concept but I'd keep the dialogue blocks down to 2-4 lines. I have had that issue myself and when you force them down to that length in rewrites it really does keep the flow of the script moving much better.

peace

mark
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Higgonaitor
Posted: September 20th, 2007, 2:30pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the read man.

I've always been a little wordy in my scripts, but am able to cut it down once I get over myself, and it does seem to help a lot.

-Tyler


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bert
Posted: September 28th, 2007, 7:22pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, Higgs.  Thought I would payout a little payback for some your reads over the past week or so.  And I was glad I did, as I enjoyed this new one from you.

The concept here is good -- it is always nice to find something unique on the shorts board -- I suppose it helps that it is more than 5 pages -- and you even have a message for us.

But, yikes...what is up with that first page?  Yammer, yammer, yammer.  You know better than that.  Lose the laundry list of homework, for starters.  And why the baseball?  All of that is empty calories.  And Frankie goes on too long.  By the time Sam has had enough, I was already well beyond that point.  Trim that song down a bit.

I like the ghost of Christmas past, though.  What a useless loser haha.  Those bits are funny.  And then the baseball comes back.  My bad on that one.  Nice set up and payoff.

This story actually picks up pretty well by the time these three arrive.  This is when you find the correct pacing for this story, and you carry it off well.

Clarence is a wee bit obscure, but then you tell us who he is, not trusting us to get the joke.  But the twins are even more obscure, and you just leave that one hanging.  Jokes told specifically for the people who get them are always risky.  I enjoyed it, though.  Just saying.

And I am sure that ending is breaking all kinds of format rules, but screw it.  Keep it just as it is.  I think it's perfect.


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