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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  Dreaming November Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: September 23rd, 2007, 2:06pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Dreaming November by William J. Hilliard - Drama - God, Family, and Football...What more can we ask for in life? 128 pages - pdf, format


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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (3 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  December 2nd, 2007, 3:19pm
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WJHilliard
Posted: September 24th, 2007, 9:50am Report to Moderator
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First off, I want to thank all those who may read my script This is my very FIRST script so please gentle with me, lol...  Please! give me any type of feedback, good or bad, I would like to know what I need to improve on and what things I can do to enhance this script.  

I am sorry for the formatting over to RTF, I have Movie Magic SW and a few things didn't convert over properly.  So please don't be discourage by the 174 pages, it's only 117 pages on the other format.

Again Thanks and hope you enjoy.  

William
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michel
Posted: September 24th, 2007, 10:10am Report to Moderator
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Hey William,

I didn't read the script but I felt like offering some friendly advice by which you could get your script read.

It's quite simple actually. Read scripts from regular members of this site and leave them a review. You'll see that many of them will return the favor.

Also: there is a script review exchange board when you can start a new thread or repply to an existing one, to settle this kind of agreements.

Good luck

Michel


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WJHilliard
Posted: September 24th, 2007, 1:44pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Michel,

Do you have a script for me to read/review...    Remember, I am a noobie, but I will give it my best shot and be honest.  Thanks for your suggestion.
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bert
Posted: September 25th, 2007, 7:08pm Report to Moderator
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Buy the ticket, take the ride

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I have a handful of things for you, William.

For starters, and I am just being honest, you will have a hard time getting people to read all the way through this unless you get it into proper format.  Most of the people who actually read stuff around here are used to looking at an industry standard -- or at least, something close to it.  Anything that deviates too far from that makes for slow reading, and not too many will be willing to trudge through 175 pages of this.

If you really want reads, it will be worth your time to fix this up and resubmit it.

Having said that, I buzzed through several pages.

Your dialogue seems good.  It flows well, and carries the kind of resonance that you want it to have in a dramatic piece like this.  But never use CAPS in your dialogue.  Your actors will choose the emphasis, oftentimes better than you.  

Your opening scene is a bit confusing.  You state that Jason and Morgan continue to talk, but then continue to give Morgan V.O.  I think the term you are looking for is M.O.S.  That is the one you use when people are talking, but we do not hear them.

You have somebody like Morgan Freeman in mind for Morgan, don’t you?  In that case, I would not name him Morgan haha.  You are spoon-feeding us here, and it is a bit patronizing for the casting people.

For the most part, your descriptive passages are fine, but occasionally you will lapse into huge blocks of unbroken text.  With the balloon for example.  If you must have long blocks of description, break them up into smaller paragraphs.  No more than 4-5 lines at any one time is a good rule of thumb to follow.

Do not use past tense.  Do not say the fans "cheered and screamed".  They cheer and scream.  Watch out for those.  You don't always do it, but sometimes you do.

My honest assessment of 20 or so pages (you do not have page numbers -- fix that, too) is that it is a little slow for me.  I know it will involve football somehow, but that is pretty much all I've got.

But that is just a matter of taste.  Emphasis on that last sentence.  I am not dissing your script after a few pages.  It is just that I am not a drama guy.  But there are plenty of readers here who do enjoy stories such as this.

Fix up this software snafu (it will be worth your time) and you might get some readers for it.  I am just trying to help you out a bit.  Hope I did.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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WJHilliard
Posted: September 25th, 2007, 8:08pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks Bert,

I really appreciate your advise.  I will make sure I go back and make those changes.

Using the M.O.S.  Do I use it from start to finish or just when the characters enter the script?

I have Movie Magic and I am not sure how to convert over to PDF, do you have any insight?

Also, I have a scene that has several quick flashbacks that I incorporated a (V.O.) from Zack in a melodic tone.  Its near the end of the script.  I was wondering how to display that on paper?


Jason's hair is wet, his eyes are dazed as he looks toward the field.  All is quiet around him.  Jason closes his eyes.

ZACK
NOTE: MELODIC TONE, REPEAT THROUGHOUT QUICK FLASHBACKS:  Jason, Jason, Let it go, Jason.  Just let it go, Jason.  

QUICK FLASHBACK--INT. FARM HOUSE YARD - DAY

Jason swings Zack on his shoulders in the rain.

QUICK FLASHBACK--EXT. BARNYARD - DAY

Zack yells as Jason cradles in his arms passed out from the accident.

QUICK FLASHBACK--EXT. MARTINSBURG FOOTBALL FIELD - NIGHT

Jason has his hand over Zack's shoulder as the walk on the football field.

QUICK FLASHBACK--INT.  HAY MOUND - DAY

Zack has Jason by his shirt collar in anger, then hugs him.

QUICK FLASHBACK--EXT. GRAVEYARD -DAY

Zack puts his hand on Jason's shoulder as they watch their fathers coffin being lowered into the ground.

EXT. WHEELING ISLAND STADIUM - NIGHT

Jason opens his eyes and begins to smile.

The fans are going crazy as several start jumping over the fence onto the football field.




Thanks alot for taken your time to look over my script.
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bert
Posted: September 25th, 2007, 8:25pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from WJHilliard
Using the M.O.S.  Do I use it from start to finish or just when the characters enter the script?


Not quite sure what you mean there.  "M.O.S." is just used in those cases when you need it.  I assume the confusing part of your opening scene is supposed to play out like this:


Jason and Morgan continue to talk M.O.S.

          MORGAN (V.O.)
     This way, you would see
     Jason and me talking,  
     but you would not hear us.
     You would just hear me.




As for your second question, what you got there is a montage -- or maybe a "series of shots".

Check out this thread for more:

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1176427434/

Or search the Screenwriting Class board for similar threads.  Just about any question you might have can be found there.  Use the "search" function on the lower left of that board to search for specific things.

And you would just give Jason his (V.O.) over these shots, noting that he repeats this melodicly.  Or do you mean methodically?


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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WJHilliard
Posted: September 27th, 2007, 7:54am Report to Moderator
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Thanks again Bert,

I am currently making those changes that you have suggested.  

If anyone else has any suggestions please feel free to let me know

Thanks
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WJHilliard
Posted: October 6th, 2007, 12:00am Report to Moderator
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Don was so kind enough to reload Dreaming November from RTF to PDF.  Hopefully, this will make it easier on some to follow the familiar format.  Anyways, I hope you all enjoy and I'll take all the advise/help I can get.

Oh by the way, you should check Michels great script Forever..and Again
It is a great romance comedy that you can't put down.

Also, check out Cindy's script Orange Juice, Vodka, Zig-Zags...A great attempt for her 1st screenplay.  She brought back many memories for me through this grungy script

Chao'
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WJHilliard
Posted: December 2nd, 2007, 6:48pm Report to Moderator
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I did some more work on this script.  I think the changes I made, helped the script out alot.  Thanks to this board with all your opinions and help, especially Cindy    

Anyways, let me know if you all like it or have any suggestions... Thanks.
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