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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Vixen Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: September 23rd, 2007, 3:46pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Vixen by Martin Lancaster - Short - When a farmer finds his livestock slaughtered, he sets out to hunt down the culprit, but encounters a predator far more deadly and cunning than a fox. 12 pages - pdf, format


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Don  -  September 23rd, 2007, 4:52pm
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bert
Posted: September 23rd, 2007, 9:13pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Martin.  This was the one for the Midnight Madness challenge, right?  Mystery and farming, as I recall.  Or something like that.

Congrats on placing.  I could hardly wait to give this a look.  And this is a nice piece of work, for sure -- but I might have been even more impressed had I not read Old Shuck in the past. There is a lot of that earlier story in this one, isn't there?

But most people will never be the wiser, and truth be told, it did little to diminish the story for me.

We get a nice quick start -- perhaps a few too many "we" in the opening -- but that is quickly forgiven once we see where we're going.  I'm not sure that scene would have been as effective written any other way.

This is followed by a nice, quick introduction to our characters. We know Ted right away, and Jess we know well enough for her limited role.  Aspirin for breakfast haha.  That line rings a little too true.  Perhaps you have had this line used on yourself before by some angry lass, Martin?

The mystery and menace rise quite effectively, given the length, but I do think you made a bit of a misstep when you had our schoolgirl tell Ted that he "will be front page news tomorrow."

I think you are telegraphing a bit too much there.  Telling us where this story is going, and giving too much away.  

But then, when we ultimately do find Ted, I was hoping for something a little better.  More graphic, more explicit, and somehow more appropriate.  Something where the punishment actually fits the crime.  But maybe that is just me.

Or are you implying that Ted did this to himself?  Because that works, too.  Thinking about it now, I'll just assume that kind of ambiguity was your intent.  I like it better now.  Let me know if I am giving you too much credit haha.  But I'll bet I'm not.

Nice work, Martin.  Not your best.  But damn fine for a week.  Good luck in the next round.  Show those guys who they're dealing with, OK?


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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The boy who could fly
Posted: September 24th, 2007, 10:59am Report to Moderator
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Hey Martin.  This was a pretty c0ol script.  It never dragged on and it moved along pretty quickly.  I liked the way it started off, at first I was wondering why there were all these "we see's" but it made sense later on.  I actually didn't know where this script was going and it kept me interested.  Once the fox morphed into the girl it all started to make sense.  I also liked how Ted seemed like a regular fella, i would never have seen him as the kind a guy that would do what he did, but you always see people on the news after a killer is caught they ask his neighbors what he was like and they are always like "He didn't seem like the kind of person that would do something like this", so that all made sense.

All in all this was a fun and tight read, it also had some good gore and I'm always up for a little gore .  good job


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Souter Fell
Posted: September 24th, 2007, 11:22am Report to Moderator
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Hey Martin,

Nice read. I have to agree that the pacing worked very well. I like how it was actually somewhat restrained. It could have easily gone over the top, the "Schoolgirl" being overly explicit or Ted being filleted by the schoolgirl/fox. I didn't initially think about Ted commiting suicide until I read Bert's review. If that's your intent, you may want to tweek it a little more to that direction. If ambigouity is your goal though, it was perfect. Good show.


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Martin
Posted: September 24th, 2007, 12:28pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks guys.

Bert, if this feels familiar to you it's probably not just because of Old Shuck. I've been playing around with the fox/temptress idea for a while now and I think you read the first act of 'Without Sin' which is pretty similar in concept. In fact, I lifted the opening description directly from that script so I've resorted to plagiarising myself

The ending is deliberately ambiguous but it could probably use some tweaking. It could be a dream, it could be the ghost of the girl he killed, it could be some vengeful underworld spirit righting his wrongs. Either way, the idea is that he's driven to suicide and hangs himself by the girl's school tie- a symbol of his wrong-doing. Whether it's some spiritual being that drives him to this, or merely his own guilt is something I wanted to leave open.

Whenever I see reports of missing/murdered schoolgirls and the media frenzy that so often surrounds the case, I always wonder what goes through the minds of the culprits when their crime is so prominent in the news to the point where it's inescapable. That's the kind of feeling I was trying to explore with this and it's something I'll focus on if I ever get around to a rewrite.

Thanks for your comments.

As for the final round of the contest, I think I wrote a bit of a turkey and I'm ashamed to let anyone read it...

Before you ask, the answer is no
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bert
Posted: September 24th, 2007, 12:56pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Martin
As for the final round of the contest, I think I wrote a bit of a turkey and I'm ashamed to let anyone read it...


Yeah...but you always say that kinda' shit.  You are like those geeky kids in school that whine about how awful they did on the test and then get, like, a 95.

I had forgotten "Without Sin".  That would explain the deja vu for sure.  

Good luck, anyway...


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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tomson
Posted: September 24th, 2007, 1:06pm Report to Moderator
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I read this one at NYCMM. I thought it was good.

I agree with Bert, I bet your final script is great even if you only had 24hours.

If it really is a turkey, maybe you'll let us read it for Thanksgiving?
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Martin
Posted: September 24th, 2007, 1:48pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from tomson

If it really is a turkey, maybe you'll let us read it for Thanksgiving?


Actually, I have another turkey coming out around Thanksgiving but I shouldn't really talk about that one...
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Mr.Z
Posted: September 24th, 2007, 6:48pm Report to Moderator
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Good job, Martin. I’m glad this one kicked some midnight a$$. Got a couple of comments, with spoilers of course.

The opening dream sequence was mesmerizing and it felt organic to the story since it foreshadowed the events to come.

I liked the chase. With a good score and camera work, this guy following the bloody trails would look very creepy on screen.

I saw it coming that Ted was going to shoot the schoolgirl. I wonder if the opening scene didn’t foreshadow too much, making you loose the surprise factor on this plot point. Yet this wasn’t much of a problem for me since I was immediately intrigued where you would take it from there.

Then the hunted becomes the hunter with a subtle sexual tone which gives this tale a cool additional layer.

The schoolgirl’s motives and the revenge angle is nothing out of the ordinary. Not one of the highlights of this script, but appropriate considering the time/page constraints. And it was well executed. The TV session was a good resource to reveal the back story through visuals.

Overall this one worked pretty well and I can’t see any major flaws in it; you left only room for nitpicking.

I wish you good luck on the next round.


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Sham
Posted: September 24th, 2007, 7:07pm Report to Moderator
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Great job on this script. You tell one heck of a story in a very short time.

Aside from a few grammatical errors, I have no problems with it. The pacing, action, and dialogue were all seamless. You really paint a picture for the reader without revealing too much. It feels like something we want to know more of, even though there's nothing left.

I really liked the title, too. Very sensual and eerie. Keep writing.


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James McClung
Posted: September 24th, 2007, 7:09pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Martin,

This was a pretty good read and I'm glad I'm not the only one who thought so; congrats on placing for the next round of Midnight Madness. Anyway, definitely an interesting concept you have here. The school girl was creepy and rightfully so, considering the dark past her and Ted share. I also liked how you were able to balance her human form with that of the fox in terms of screentime. Not often an easy feet. Good job on that. I can't find anything particularly wrong with this one. The ending was a tad predictable and I was a little disappointed by how much the intro gave away but then again, it certainly made the later scenes more suspenseful.

Overall, I liked it and I'm glad it got you to the next round of the contest.

BTW, Ted Askew? As in a tad askew? The name seems like an interesting play on words and led me to assume there was something more to him than just a hangover. Was this intentional? I'd think it would be.


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ReaperCreeper
Posted: September 24th, 2007, 8:57pm Report to Moderator
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Oohh. Fox woman. WTF?? O__O

Okay well that is kinda creepy so well done.

There were a few misformattings (is that even a word? haha) throughout such as a piece of dialogue treated as an action sequence here and there. Just read it over and you should spot them.

I really, really liked your descriptions. Tight and satisfying without being too wordy. I wasn't bored once and I could picture absolutely everything in my head.  

A producer could easily pick this up, maybe if extended, as a MoH episodeor something. I dunno. I just think it has potential.

Excellent writing, pacing, characterization, and dialogue....Everything was there. The concept may have seemed campy but you pulled it off amazingly well and managed to make it creepy and suspenseful.  

The fact that you managed to turn something as cheesy as a Fox/Woman and make it into a REAL Horror short shows you have great talent.

Great work and I hope to read more from you. Damn . My first fully positive review in a month -.- Oh well, life goes on...

--Julio







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BryMo
Posted: September 24th, 2007, 10:25pm Report to Moderator
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I really really liked the opening sequence, definetely my fav part of this script. The pacing in the first half was was great, never lacking, never left me bored.

The one thing i had a problem with, personally, was the line "you want me don't you?"... You seem to be a good writer, was that the best that popped into your head for her big opening line?

And now i'm more than half way through, and when this girl/fox/vixen talks, it feels like nails on a chalkboard for me. Midway through, when her mystery is gone, she sounds like a 15 year old dirrty horny girl who's looking for "playtime" and revenge...But mostly playtime, in a dirrty way.

OVERALL: loved the idea, LOVED the first half and everything about it (lines, descriptions, ect ect) THEN came the second half, which personally i've seen done plenty of times, only better.

Good luck with whatever projects you're working on now.


Shorts:
Good Golly Miss Molly
No Place Like Home
New Moon Rising
Yuno - BRAND-*SPANKIN*-NEW!
The Ballad of Uncle Sam: An Anarchists Melody
Toy Soldier
This Modern Love
A Virgin State of Mind

A GUIDE TO MY LITERARY BABIES
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Blakkwolfe
Posted: September 26th, 2007, 2:03pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Martin; great story!

Great descriptions without being overly heavy. Really caught the visual of the country farm.

I liked the girl/fox although I don't know if staring down a fox would cause me to run in terror. Wolf, sure, but a fox, maybe not, unless it was rabid.

I got a kind of Poe-like impression with the fox and the murdered girl. They work within his tormented mind like the Tell-Tale heart, until he finally snaps and kills himself.

Joe


Failure is only the opportunity to begin again more intelligently - Dove Chocolate Wrapper
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Martin
Posted: September 26th, 2007, 3:14pm Report to Moderator
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Wow, lots of reads. Thanks a lot guys, glad you enjoyed it.

James, Ted Askew isn't an intentional play on words, might just be my subconscious because, now you mention it, his moral compass is a tad askew

I've been busy at work the last month or so and I'm off on holiday for the next two weeks, but when I get back I'll dive into reading some scripts and I'll do my best to return the favour.

Thanks again.
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