Requiem For A Broom Or: How I Would Make A Swiffer Commercial by Justin Neegan (jutt) - Short, Drama - The tragic story of a man dealing with temptation and desire. A spoof of some of the more recent Swiffer commercials. 6 pages - doc, format

Hey Justin;

That was, to sum up quickly, really bizarre...Not really drama, considering the subject matter. More of a dark or absurdist comedy.

Could see easily see it as a SNL skit or a Youtube video. It's a good concept, following the commerical through to it's "logical" conclusion.

Figured Travis would come home to find the Swifter in bed with the vacuum cleaner, but, that's alright.

Liked this line the best as it seems to define the nature of thier "physical relationship."

"Travis sweeps everywhere using the Swiffer.  Getting into corners, hard to reach places, etc.  He’s having a ball."

Funny and very imaginative piece.

Joe

Hey, thanks.

Bizarre, dark, absurdist, and funny was what I was going for. I called it a comedy/drama, but I guess I forgot to checkmark that genre when I submitted it. And it is, in fact, on YouTube. Directed by and starring myself.

The final version is actually a lot different from the original script. It's now called "Requiem For A Mop." This is mostly because I shoot random little movies purely for fun and we ended up improvising a lot of stuff as we went along.

I have other movies on YouTube, but they were all made on the spot. "Requiem For  A Mop" was the only one that I had written a script to. I've written others too, that have yet to be produced and you can expect them popping up on SimplyScripts soon.

Thanks again.

- Justin

Personally, the comedy just didn't work for me. I almost immediately lost interest. Your writing read smoothly and despite all the green lines under various words, the grammar wasn't bad at all. I like your writing, but the story just simply didn't click with me.