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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Sci Fi and Fantasy Scripts  ›  28 Moderators: bert
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Posted: October 21st, 2007, 3:00pm Report to Moderator

So, what are you writing?

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28 by Kaiman Lycurgus - Sci Fi - It's about a graphic novelist who creates this character named Hybrid when she was thirteen and every five years on her birthday, the creation ask if she wants it power. She has denied twice and now at age of twenty-eight. It comes again, however, she might need to accept the power. 96 pages - doc, format

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James Carlette
Posted: October 22nd, 2007, 12:28pm Report to Moderator

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This really needs to be formatted properly:

...and what's with the blue font?

Quoted Text
EXT: Outside

EXT = exterior, so we already know we're outside. You need to be more specific.

Quoted Text
Hey Cass, itís me. I wanted to let you know that your uncle is dead.
I know youíre not going to shred any tears but you might want to now. Thereís blood everywhere, itís like whoever did it took out every organ and threw it everywhere, literally. I know it wasnít you. You have an alibi at the time of the murder you were with me. Anyway, give me a call.

Nobody speaks like this - you're using the character to dump a load of plot information.

It'd probably be a lot better if you actually showed the murder taking place. It'd grab the reader far more than listening to a chunk of unnatural dialogue on an answering machine.

For the first 10 or so pages there's nothing to make we want to read on further. It's an interesting idea (though without the log line I'd little clue what was going on) but you need to look at other scripts to get a better idea of how to structure and write.

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Posted: October 24th, 2007, 4:59am Report to Moderator

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I think the script should have a strong story line
as James says without the logline I would not know what is
the story about . I cant make out when the writer is
assuming her power and what type of war is it ?
Is it between human and some alien forces I am not clear in this matter
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Posted: October 24th, 2007, 6:46am Report to Moderator
Old Timer

My UZI Weighs A Ton

Northern Hemisphere
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You really should re-submit this in the proper screenplay format because you will not get many reads as it stands now.

Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load
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