Graduation by Austin Bennett (absteel) - Short - A father helps his son get ready for his graduation. 5 pages - pdf, format

Thanks for posting, but... this is the first draft. I submitted a second draft a day or two later. Did you not get it?

Uh, I don't know if you're gonna take my critcism seriously because you've already written a second draft, but I hope you changed the story drastically because...nothing really happens here.

You're formatting and dialogue are spot on as always, but you seem to lack the ability to tell a story.  That just felt like a scene in the middle of a movie.

I don't know, I'll wait until I read the second draft before I post a more in-depth response.  

Quoted from ABennettWriter ... this is the first draft...

That's why we tell people not to post first drafts.  You should only post what you feel is your best work.

I read this before I saw your comment -- and like hoody up there -- I will reserve judgment until a new draft goes up.

But I do hope you've changed it up a bit.

I suppose Seth can come behind me and tell me I have no appreciation for subtlety -- but, darn it -- I am getting tired of reading shorts where nothing happens.

If you are going to write a five-page script, you need to justify its existence with some kind of payoff.

I have decided that is my opinion and I do not think I will change my mind.

Honestly, not much happens in the second draft. It's just a little more sentimental.

I'm beginning to come to the bitter realization that I'm a sucky storyteller. I think I'm better suited as a teacher.

Thanks for reading, though.

Quoted from ABennettWriter I'm beginning to come to the bitter realization that I'm a sucky storyteller. I think I'm better suited as a teacher.

Actually this is probably more a reflection of the stage you're presently at with your writing.  I call it, unoffically, stage two.  Stage one is when you're just starting out.  You're cocky and naively think everything you write is going to be brilliant.  Then stage two hits you and you come to the awful realization that, in fact, you actually suck.  Once you get through this though, you enter stage three which is where you officially become a writer.

How long does stage two last? Whether it is, or not, I'm going to take your reply as a compliment.

Hey AB,

It was a good scene. Dialogue not bad. It just wasn't a story. Just a glimpse of one. If that was your intention, then good show. If not, you need to realize that your characters have no arc, and while it was written well, nothing happens. People think shorts are easier and in a lot of respects they are but it can also be really difficult to tell a real story in such a limited amount of pages.

Quoted from ABennettWriter How long does stage two last? Whether it is, or not, I'm going to take your reply as a compliment.

We're probably talking years here - a good year of serious, nose to the grindstone writing anyway before you start to regain a bit of that confidence you lost - at least my experience anyway.  It's probably different for each person though.  You gotta write though - that's the key.

All this negativity you get now is bruising but it's also invaluable.  You learn more in this stage than in any other.  

Writing is a process so time is really beside the point.  These stages I've come up with are pretty arbitrary anyway.  




[EDIT] Since I'm here I was going to review your script but the link doesn't seem to be working - at least for me anyway

Austin,

Your format is clean.  Descriptions are tight.  However, I've gotta agree with what's already been posted.  This just feels like the first scene of a larger story.  You dropped what could potentially be interesting plot threads (the son's reluctance to let go of his childhood, a dead mother, the morose father.)  You might just have a deep, character-driven piece about loss underneath this opening.    

Oh, and what's with this lack of confidence in your writing ability??  Self doubt tries to poison the minds of all writers.  When it hits there are only one of two things you can do.  Give into it and in your case teach or fight it, get writing and use it to improve yourself one story at a time.  I've taken a few screenwriting courses but most of my knowledge on the subject came from books.  There are great books on screenwriting craft and technique out there.  My advice, if you want to put the time in to improve, is read as many books on the subject as you can.  Also, make use of simplyscripts.  Read as many, authentic screenplays as possible.  Not transcripts but actual, properly formatted shooting scripts.  Read scripts of your favorite movies and see how scenes that played out onscreen were originally written.  Just by reading scripts you'll learn valuable lessons in plotting, story arc, dialogue and structure.  Plus, I've only been here a short time but there is a great community here of people who will offer you their advice, insight and assistance.

You did alright, Austin.  Keep that pen moving!

Pete
        

Austin,

I don't know if this was the second (or later drafts) that I read, but I enjoyed it.  The story is extremely simple and I mean that in a good way.  The characterization is there and it's very believable.

While I would extend this a little, I wouldn't add additional scenes to it.  It should just be about Jonah (and Phi) getting ready for graduation.


Phil

This was well written, easy to follow.  It had at its centre an emotional anchor to hold it all together as well.

The ending is a little ambiguous though - and I think this is why others are saying that nothing much happens or that it feels incomplete.  This is easily fixable though.  

I get what this story is about.  Jonah's dealing with a tragedy in his life.  He feels lost but must take that first step and forge ahead.  I guess therefore, Jonah's graduation can be seen as both literal and metaphorical.  The final scene where he takes to the stage to accept his diploma should be the climatic moment of your story yet it feels sort of glossed-over almost.  There's no sense of anticipation, anxiety or nervousness from him.  We're sort of left to fill in the blanks a bit here if you know what I mean?

Just my opinion of course but if you fix this I'd say it'll add a lot more punch to your story.

-Mike

Thanks for reading.

Don's posting the second draft tonight. I didn't make a lot of changes. Just made it more emotional, I think.

I've been thinking about what I would do in the third draft, and I think y'all will like the changes. I don't know when I'll actually start writing it, though, as I'm 40 pages into a new script.

I'm glad y'all like it.

Hey Austin,

I noticed your post at MP. I promised I would read it so I will, but I honestly didn't notice this one. I was still waiting for it to be posted. I'll read it tomorrow no problem... Feel free to read Old Wounds. That was my MP entry for the "One" assignment.

Pia

I'll try to get to Old Wounds later tonight.

Thanks for reading Graduation!

PS: The second draft is up!