Zombies at 4 O'Clock! by T. Joseph Fraser (blakkwolfe) - Short, Action - Video Game vixen Victoria Deane looks for action in a quiet...too quiet warehouse. 6 pages - pdf, format

I was really expecting zombies to be in this script... Though there was a mention of them, but I'd like to see them too.

This was a cool script, though, I have some stuff:

- Who was shooting at Victoria? Was it the ninjas or what? 'Cause there weren't, any, correct?

- I liked the reference to 30 Days of Night with the vampire/Alaska deal...that WAS a reference to 30 Days of Night, right?

- "amblers," Page 3...shamblers? I've heard of shamblers, but not amblers. Same thing?

Your descriptions were good, though, on the first page you describe the wall as "cool" (temperature wise), you can cut that, since, well, us as the audience can't feel it. I know, I know, it's not major but I have to do something about it. I liked this one.

I like zombies.

I missed them in this one.

Sean

Wow...That was wicked quick; Thank you Don!

Sorry about the lack of zombies, Sean...I should have let her have just one or two to get her frustrations out...

The shooter was meant to be ambiguous, it just was who ever she was fighting through in that level of the video game/action movie...Just some henchmen...Tried to set the tone right away, and also practice in trying to write an action sequence.

30 Days reference? Yep.

Cool wall? Deleted. Done. Thanks for the tip.

"Romero has said that he is against the idea of the fast charging zombie, preferring the classic ambler... These zombies don't need speed to be scary - they come on slow but inexorable like the ocean tide."

Ambler-Slow ones, Scrambler-Fast ones...Me, I like the fast, hard charging, non-rigor mortised undead best...

Thanks for taking a look, and I promise zombies in the not too distant future to make up for the lack of zombage in this short.

Joe

Well, this was my first zombie script so here goes.  

You establish a good hook right off the bat.  A latex-laden vixen running through a metallic corridor, avoiding laser fire.  The action desriptions are crisp, easy to follow.  Good writing here.

The twist mid-way through was unexpected.  On one hand I found this to be amusing, on the other, a little anti-climatic.  Not sure how I feel about it.  I think the tone shifts rather abruptly but I can buy into it.

Overall I'd say this a pretty unique premise but one thing I think you need to establish are the exact groundrules for this universe of yours that you've created.  I wasn't sure if this was some virtual reality game that Victoria was participating in or if it was real.  Her matter-of-fact conversation with Alyssa at the end almost suggests that it was the former, however overall I don't get that impression.  

I think you attempted to demonstrate that this was real by showing the coin vaporize in mid-air but I'd suggest you really hammer home this point by having Victoria injure herself in battle - just to show that she is, indeed, falible and could get hurt.

The ending was a little ambiguous but I think I get it.  Alyssa was setting Victoria up for Kyle to ambush her.  If she is indeed walking into a trap then I'd say you really ought to show this.  I think you may have ended this just a tad too early.

And finally - and this is a small thing - but you should include a 'Fade Out' at the end of your script, followed by a 'The End'. It's not a big thing but it can leave the reader thinking that there's more story.  It'll just make the ending more satisying if you include those two things.

Like I said the premise here is a good one and you exploited it well for both humor and drama.  It can be a tough balancing act but you pulled it off pretty well.

-Mike

Hey Blakkwolfe,

Just a few things that confused me first off.  I wasn't sure who shot the coin at first but I guess it wasn't Victoria.  The next scene confused me, it takes place in Alyssa's desk area when Victoria starts talking, I didn't know she was even there?  Did she enter or was she already there?

Ok the story...I found it alright.  Strange little twist.  Not sure about the ending, think I agree with mgj that it was a set up for Victoria to be ambushed?

This was interesting but the ending a bit abrupt, enjoyed it though, nice to see something original.

Hey Alffy and Mike; thank you both very much for your thoughts...

This is a real puzzler to me. I had this originally on MP, where it ran the gamut of %20 excellent to %20 fair. I tried to adjust some of the confusing elements, and I think I'm being kind of hard headed about it, to be honest...(A Mcfly knock on the noggin would be appropriate for me on this)

Victoria shot the coin to try and draw out bad guys...

Alyssa was just sitting at her desk drinking coffee and listening to John Mayer. Chicks dig John Mayer.

Yes, the whole thing was orchestrated by Alyssa and her supervillian fiance Kyle to get her to let her guard down with the promise of some Adults Only action...

It's set in a Aeon Flux (No lying- she inspires me greatly) kind of world where stuff just happens...Sexy girls in latex shooting lazers at all sorts of bad guys. A beautiful thing. It's very real to her as a character in an action short.

If It were a Virtual Reality sort of thing, I'd probably establish that right off the start, showing her put on the goggles, put the disc in the computer-

This is an attempt to jump right into the action...

Could have an establishing setup EXT shot of a futuristic Moon Base or something...That would establish the setting as real/science fiction world...

I'm going to re-work this in a little while, making it a little longer (since I no longer have that 5 page restriction), adding some courtesy zombies and try to clean up some of the details.

Thanks again, guys. I greatly appreciate it.

Joe

Hey Joe -- Love this one.

Had a few chuckles and a head nod at the twisted ending.

Was somewhat confused at the beginning about the coin. I thought, at first, she zapped it. Then we see someone else zapped it and Victoria dove for cover. You may want to clarify that a little better.

Overall, your story kept me reading. It was fun.

Quoted from spencerforhire Was somewhat confused at the beginning about the coin. I thought, at first, she zapped it. Then we see someone else zapped it and Victoria dove for cover. You may want to clarify that a little better.

Thanks, Spencer, I will. (She does shoot the coin)

Thanks for the read and the feedback...I'm glad you liked it!

Joe

Thought this was a great sequence.  Didn't have any issues with confusion.  Thought it was clear that she shot the coin to bring out the ninja...ducked for cover because she expecting their attack.  Dialogue was good...just off-beat enough to hold interest.

My only thought would be that it is only a sequence, and there is no real story.  When I realized I was at the end I was shocked...wanted to get the rest of it...see where this was going in the grand scheme.

Think this could be a real winner of a project when expanded to a full story.

Hey Blakkwolfe,

I must admit I some problems with this. I didn't really get what this was all about until a read your replies here. And that is problematic I think.

My main problem is that I couldn't tell wether Alyssa's desk area is inside the warehouse or not. Your "INT. ALYSSA’S DESK AREA - DAY" slug led me to believe that it was somewhere else. If it's still inside the warehouse, then you should lose that slug all together.

Another thing that bothered me was that you never really showed whether we're inside a video game, a movie or some kind of virtual reality world. If it's a video game then why the reference to 30 Days of Night - a movie? Why not a reference to another video game.

I think you need to explain the setting a lot clearer for this to work.

Quoted from Zombies at Four O'Clock!! Boxes and crates form a deadly maze.

How exactly are boxes and crates deadly? I mean, it's just wood and paper.

And please put a "The end" at the end of the script.


Rob

First off, nice title.

Now to the script.  

SPOILERS SO TURN BACK...



I think where the trouble with this one lies in the second block of description where someone is shooting at her.
I think you should lose it. Just have her running, ducking, and shooting at the coin, and the rat.

As it is now, she IS fighting someone, and wouldn't ask "Where are the ninjas" .  

and as it is now, When Victoria says, "You didn't get the memo?" Victoria's guard doesn't go up.

So that's why I say you should lose the second block of description, then it would all work together better.

Victoria's dialogue, All I know is that I have to shoot at something or I'm gonna way lose my edge. "Way lose" felt funny to me.

I had a problem with Alyssa's desk area, too. Maybe change the slug to
INT. METTALIC WAREHOUSE - ALYSSA'S DESK AREA

I missed the fade out and end at the end, too.

I liked the two twists in this short. I didn't get confused when reading like a couple other readers. I thought the descriptions were good, and clear.
Oh, I almost forgot, would high-heeled boots really "clang" on the steel floor?  Might think of a different word there.

All in all, I thought it was refreshing, and interesting. I'd lose that second block of description though.

Cindy

Certainly a surreal short piece, it's rather intriguing in all honesty.

I think an aim of humor was definitely imputed into the sci-fi action with that conversation bit between Victoria and Alissa, if that wasn't your intent, I apologize.  This just has a certain level of surreality that I find enjoyable.

A few minor things though:

Whenever you put characters' ages, you gotta put them in parenthesis (30's).

On page 2, She leans on the cold, steel wall.  How do we know the wall is cold?  And how do we know the reinforced door is heavy?  We can see it's a steel reinforced door, so no need to get excessive with describing it.  Only describe with what we can see with our two eyes, objectively.  Like someone had mentioned earlier, lose the "deadly" bit on the maze, objectivity is all we need in scene description.

Now, apart from that, your title DEFINITELY mislead me, shame on you for tricking me like that, I was expecting zombies, something outta "Day of the Dead" or "Resident Evil" but meh, the title still makes sense:

ALYSSA
I got three truckloads of ZOMBIES
coming in around FOUR-ish
though...depending on traffic.
Mostly amblers, but with some
scramblers thrown in here and there
to keep it interesting.

The conversation between Alissa and Victoria sure as hell isn't something you hear everyday, but I liked this read, short, definitely original, and right to the money.  It all seemed to be strictly business between them.  WEIRD business, not the business you see every day, fighting off the super villains or monsters, but you got the point across.  She's in the mood for kicking some ass, but is disappointed, well odds are she won't be disappointed OR pleased when she gets down stairs and is facing off against Manning again.

What I liked was her last line at the end, where Alissa is calling up Kyle Manning at the end, after she had told Victoria the guys downstairs were from Espilon, with the big "you know whats" when we see at the end Alissa's playing Victoria, and luring her into another one of Manning's traps.  

*Note, you said he was "going to law school now" I still think he's going AND being a villain because this is the trickery you can expect in lawyers, hahaha....if anyone here is in law school, I didn't mean it, don't bite my head off.*

All in all, I don't see all too many things wrong with this script apart from all I mentioned.  I think you had a solid plot, she's expecting zombies at 4, until then, fighting guys with big "etc's" and is getting lured into a trap by a super villain, what's not to get?  It's short, solid, and to the point.

So keep up the good work, and best of luck in your 3rd revision.

Hi Joe,

I thought I'd read a short while cooking dinner and decided to give this one a go.

Didn't take me very long to get suspicious about where this one came from. As soon as I read the part with the "coin" that really didn't add too much to the story I had and inkling.    Sure enough. I checked out MP and there it was. I read the reviews there and as usual I always find it interesting that some people can rate a script low while some think it's totally awesome and genius. Regarding this particular script I would have voted "Good". Why not higher? Although you did keep my interest and I enjoyed it, the confusing parts of this kept me from giving a higher score. Seems like others found it sort of confusing as well. My thoughts at first was that it was some sort of videogame. I noticed some people at MP were convinced Alyssa is the writer and Victoria a carachter. I didn't get that feel, but was that what you meant? If it was then I think it would be more clever.

I think you have a really enjoyable piece here. The only thing standing in the way of it being liked by more people is the confusing aspect of it. If you can manage to clarify it some, I think it'll be great.

You had me hooked right away in the beginning btw. You can make the action even more exciting to read by streamlining some of your descriptions and cut out the word "and". It will make it read more suspenseful. At least IMO.

Good Job!

Pia

Wow...Thank's to Bill, Rob, Cindy, Mr. Big K and Tim Tebow's #1 Fan (Hiesmann, no doubt)

Bill- This was more of an action sketch, but I'm definitly going to expand on theme

Rob- I pictured the desk in being inside the warehouse, in the back, and off to the side...In the revision its a separate side office with a big window looking into the warehouse. As far as the setting, the warehouse is a place where action happens..To be honest, part of the idea sprang from that one scene in Waynes World, when Wayne opens the door and all these ninjas are doing stuff...It's now gonna be a secret base in the desert...

They would order vampires, zombies and other creatures from the same supplier for video games, movies, etc...A Monsters, Inc, if you will, with all apologies to Pixar and Mike and Sully...That's the reasoning behind the 30 days comment...

The Ending...Fade Out...Yeah, I cheated because of the 5 Page limit...

Cindy- I see your point...I'm going to tweak that whole intro part, hopefully make it a bit more suspenseful but with more action...Clang...Hah...She's not exactly a Juggernaut running around in there clanging about...She might clink softly...

Big K- Thanks for getting the title. The surreal humor is definitely intentional. It is business as usual for these girls, although a strange one.  I promised Zombie Sean a few zombies in the rewrite, and I got some. Bargain Basement perhaps, but undead none the less...Right on about the lawyers...

Pia- Thanks for taking the time. I wasn't planning on posting this version here on SS, but the MP reviews threw me, so I welcomed the opportunity to have some dialogue about it here. In the MP version, I had a few refrences from both of them that they were acting in a short film, which I cleaned up in this version.

Planning to re-write over the weekend...

Thanks again to all. I appreciate it...

Joe

Hey, Blakkwolfe,

I wasn't really confused by any of what was going on.  I thought it was pretty clear.

I'm not too much of a fan of this kind of genre, but I think this one was a bit refreshing.

A lot of people have already torn apart your story above, so I won't get into that.  (I only like reading and expressing my opinion about the stories I read anyway.  A person's structure is their business and I think it should stay that way.)

Just know that I did like it.   3 stars out of 5.

-Mark