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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Thriller Scripts  ›  Family Practice Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: December 16th, 2007, 3:29pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Family Practice by Raymond H. Smith - Thriller - A family's holiday plans are interrupted by a psychopathic psychiatrist who kidnaps them to replace the family he has lost.  After slowly gaining their trust by keeping them separate, events take a downturn after his first attempt at reuniting them.  The family's struggle for escape is met harshly by his struggle for control. 123 pages - pdf, format


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bert
Posted: December 29th, 2007, 1:16am Report to Moderator
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Hey, Gwydion.  It is pretty hard for a new guy to get feedback on a feature-length around here, but you have certainly been making the effort.  I liked this one, but generally focus on areas that I as one humble reader feel could be improved, so do not let all the negative stuff scare you.  I was feeling chatty, too, so you are getting the works.

*  Our opening scene might go on a bit too long.  Minutes without dialogue at the front of our story is a little off-putting.  You are certainly creating an air of menace, but I would look for places to trim.  And about that "sound-proof cloth" -- does that even exist, and would we recognize it if we saw it?  A minute or so looking on Google leads me to suggest that your good doctor install sound proof panels instead.
*  And let us refresh our conversation about "continued" haha.  First off, the ones at the bottom-right and top-left are merely clutter on the page.  The scene is obviously continued, right? I would encourage you to lose them throughout -- trade them in for some nice white space.  And as for the ones that accompany the dialogue, which we spoke of on Halloween Games, your Radio on pages 6 and 7 is a prime example of dialogue where you can do without them (IMO).
*  After the park scene (which might also run a bit long), you should use a SUPER to designate that four years have passed. (Perhaps you can get away without a super at the end though, given the children and such.)
*  Now, at page 30, I have to say that you have done a masterful job at creating a complete and likable family, dog and all.  But, given that this script is clocking 123 pages, you can stop now.  Again, if this script were mine, I would look for some trims.  It is too much of a good thing, and at the half-hour mark, I would be getting restless with this film.
*  At page 38, we are now getting started.  But we know absolutely nothing about Archer.  I assume his motives will be revealed, but it feels a little odd that we have spent no time with our antagonist.
*  Instead of Archer speaking to himself in the bathroom, which seems odd, perhaps have him dictating into a recorder, which seems more natural.  But the reflection, used later, is also a pretty good technique for getting his thoughts out there.
*  I have noticed a few times you go directly from a slug line into dialogue, with no description.  I have read this is incorrect, and it seems reasonable to me, as it does appear a little awkward on the page.  There is one on page 52, another on page 53, and at least one other that I can not seem to find now.
*  I do like how we are cutting quickly between the different family members now.  That is effective, and it makes the story move much faster than it seemed to during those early pages.
*  What is Chad doing with the cord on page 61?  Is he choking himself?  A very confusing passage that I read twice but still failed to understand.
*  The detailed lists of food on pages 67 and 68 are too much and should really be trimmed, and it would take minutes of screen time for Archer to prepare those plates.  Who wants to watch that?  Sometimes you need to think about how this stuff would actually play out on the screen.  The food should just be there, on plates, waiting for them.  No muss, no fuss.
*  During the flashback, on page 101, I think it is important to give their ages.  I assumed they were children, but then Kyle calls him Doc.  Are they adults?  When did this happen?
*  On page 106, that pistol is way too convenient.  Despite what happens with it later.  Is it even necessary, really?

For positives, you have a novel premise, a well-developed family, and nice, tense sequences where Archer interacts with your characters (or himself).  There is much here that you did well, and while there were a few sections where it was a tad difficult to suspend disbelief, it was nothing pervasive.

But it sure feels too long.  If I were to take a hatchet to this, I could whittle it down to less than 100 pages.  If you take a scalpel to this objectively, I'll bet you can hit 110 pages.  You should shoot for that.

Archer is a twisted cookie, for sure, but I never felt we knew him as well as we knew the rest of the family.  Perhaps that was by design.  But your Japanese doctor refers to him as a respected colleague, and we never see that side of Archer. Does he have any real patients, or a real practice?  A little of that might help flesh him out a bit, should you feel he needs it.  Maybe he doesn’t.  Just a thought.

Good story.  Good premise.  Good characters.  I guess the take-home message is to try and tighten things up a bit.  Let me know if there are specific questions or if I was not clear enough somewhere.


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Gwydion
Posted: December 29th, 2007, 1:33pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, Bert.  I appreciate the in-depth.  You could have published a book on how bad this was (and I didn't get the feeling you felt that way) and still not have offended me.

Some of the longer sequences and the setup I have a problem with, too.  You mentioned the ones.  I've messed with trimming then and come away unsatisfied looking at it as a whole again.  I would like to do a pass with triage and re-post, but I wanted to be sure that people would be able to compare between the two.  I have goals with what those sequences say and get nervous that they don't say them after I cut them.  So, we'll see.

Yeah.  I know the cloth I need and I need cloth instead of the panels, so I'll just find the actually real name of it and use that instead - thanks for being confused.

I want the audience to be aware of Archer and his watching the family, but not so much that the actor playing him would be recognized until he comes into Leigh's room.  I do want to keep him more enigmatic and just throw his motivation out there, because I didn't want him to become more sympathetic in this story.  I have to keep the mirror and Reflection, so maybe I'll bring Reflection in from the get-go.  I like your recorder idea ("Sixth Sense"), but I can't make that work for me here.  I don't want to get into Archer's outside life any more than Mr. Tanagawa's remark.  It feels really important to me that the audience be trapped in the house with the family.  I really should put the ages in the flashback, don't know why I didn't.  Yes, they are adults.  Archer probably finished his residency less than five years prior to the flashback.

Usually, what I get about the pistol is:
Q: Why would Archer have packed up Derrick's gun instead of get rid of it?
A: That runs too high a risk of getting discovered and rousing suspicion.
Your question isn't as easily answered.  I don't feel like it's convenient because it was pretty well hidden.  It did only serve little purpose to the story and more of a device to play with the audience.  So, I'll see if it's purpose is enough to keep it in.  Chad is choking himself.  I'll make that clear.

I have to see now what I can do to get the continued indications turned off on FD7.  I'm sure there's a way.  I can't promise I won't use it on occassion in dialog, though.  The lack of description or action after the slug line never occurred to me before and I tend to use it when I want to get the feeling that the dialog comes in right after the cut.  I suppose I can at least throw something in there to give a sense of how we see who's speaking.  I dislike using SUPERs and would only use one if I felt like it was absolutly necessary for the audience to know exactly how much time has passed.  If they get a feeling of people are older or younger by their age and/or appearance, that's all I want.

Thank you very much for the read and the comments.  I assumed no one was getting past the first few pages.  This is helpful.


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Family Practice
Oh, What a Night
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bert
Posted: December 29th, 2007, 5:11pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Gwydion
I want the audience to be aware of Archer and his watching the family…I do want to keep him more enigmatic and just throw his motivation out there, because I didn't want him to become more sympathetic in this story.


I kind of sensed that was what you were doing, and while I got a general sense of his motivations, I never understood them specifically, if that makes sense.  This was a complete family, with a mom, dad, and kids.  What role did he think he was going to play, exactly?

I was never really clear on what he wanted from them besides company.  I mean, I knew it was supposed to go deeper than that, of course, but I never really got a firm handle on it.  I guess that is what I mean about fleshing him out -- I wanted to know exactly, not just generally, what Archer was trying to achieve.


Quoted from Gwydion
I dislike using SUPERs and would only use one if I felt like it was absolutly necessary for the audience to know exactly how much time has passed.


I'm not a big fan either, but sometimes you need them.  I think you need it for the four years at the beginning (although I wondered why four years needed to have passed, actually), but probably not for the 10 years at the end.
  

Quoted from Gwydion
I have to see now what I can do to get the continued indications turned off on FD7.


I don't know, but there are surely people here who do.  You can post a thread asking for help if you can't get it on your own.


Quoted from Gwydion
I assumed no one was getting past the first few pages…


It’s impossible to tell, but I have noticed that many of the scripts you read are from inactive members who simply post their stuff and leave for parts unknown.  We've got lots of those, and they probably will not even see your feedback -- leave alone return the favor.

From one of your earlier posts, it sounds like you are looking for scripts right off the unproduced page, which is an awkward way to do it.  Do you ever navigate the boards with the "home" and "portal" buttons on the upper-right?  I did not notice them for a few months myself, at first.  Try them if you haven’t already.  That is how you can spot the people who are most active on the boards and seek out their work.

Personally, I do not read anything from people who are not active on the boards.  Unless it is truly awful and I am in the mood to trash something  


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