Gun Angel:  Dominance by Darren S. Winters (combichrist) - Short, Anime - Zara Riley a top agent for S.O.L.E. has covered many missions before. But her biggest Mission lasting two years is a complete failure. Now her own team want her dead to secure their own safety. They murder her husband, they want her dead. Gun Angle is about to be born. 10 pages - pdf, format

Hey, Darren.  I'm betting this is supposed to be "Gun Angel", is it not?

Let me know if the thread title needs to be amended.

Hey Bert man merry Christmas mate, and to everyone else.

Yeah man It is meant to be GUN ANGEL. Typos LOL sorry about that one!! My bad mate!!
I made the same mistake on the cover page of the script too LOL,, and in various other places...
TIP: Never write when tired, However I did notice I got the correct spelling at the end of the entire Script
on the line which reads NEXT: Gun Angel Vengeance!! LOL DUHHHH!!!


Darren.

Darren;

Like the Gun Angel way better than Gun Angle...Not sure about the colored text...Think straight up black is best. Good story though. Think Ben would have been a little bit suspicious about the skin care thing and would have moved on after not hearing from her in two years...People traipse alot...There are some other formatting issues, but hot spy chick Zara beats out lack of capitolized character introductions any time...

Suggest showing some changes resulting from Zara's failure...if "Our enemy has complete control over us, our country, and the world" might want to demonstrate that change through action or dialogue...

Warning: Political statement
(i.e can't take water on the airplane, govt. can tap your phone at any time without a warrant, people can be held in prison for an indefinite amount of time without a trial or any kind of representation, if you don't like a country, feel free to invade it...So long as you get the oil contracts afterwards...End of political statement.

The line "she had her cover blown for F***s sake" doesn't work...Unless Jeff has issues with taking the Lord's name in vain, I'd suggest using the obvious...

Liked it, and look forward to the next installment...

Joe

Cheers Joe for the feedback.

It's an old concept for an Anime I've been mulling over for a few years. FYI, the different colored text is different Draft Version, such as RED for the first revision or Blue for the second and son on. It show the writer what has currently been approved on and reworked.

The whole 2 year gap with her and Ben, it's sort of another story making itself ready for the Second episode... All will be revealed!! I was setting that up. Maybe not clear enough.

For the last 10 years of my writing career I have wanted to write a top action/sci-fi anime and within the last few years I got the idea for this so it's good to get some feedback.

Anyways, After being on Simplyscripts for over 4 years, GRRRR I've got under 100 posts LOL... Due to some being deleted and an account change not long ago!! Cheers Bert old buddy for the change mate!!

Combichrist

I liked the story, but there are a few things to fix:

would have been interesting to find out how she got discovered.

If it is a government policy to delete an agent, why didn't they do it at that instant when saving her? Asking her at that same time if she got the X-device?

I was thinking of the structure of the script. You follow a convential format, not a probelm. But why not show her going after the corportation she was working first  and then contine on with the story on how she got their. Just a thought.

Anther thing is that their are too many one liners. Why not try to put a couple of them together and describe them more? Like on pg. 3, the Jeff nods part. that part and the puzled portion should go together.

Hope this helps,
Gabe

I can easily see you building on this to make at least one full episode (right now it's up the first commercial break).  For instance, you have characters speaking that I didn't even know were in the room until they spoke and would have no idea what kind of importance they played if I wasn't reading it.  Beyond traipsing, there are a fair number of adjectives and descriptions that I felt gave off the wrong impression:

"coldly and unemotionally leers," "splashes effortlessly into," "gentle ripple forces," "succession of ropes," "strolls coyly," "teeming with life," "exhales in disagreement," "excepting the inevitable," "cradling like a little lost puppy," and many more.  There was a lot of traipsing, leering, effortless action, and things that sounded liked this was light-hearted.  I half expected someone to skip to a door.

There are many things I read that I wouldn't be able to see on the screen.  Was Special Operations and Law Enforcement spelled out on the backs of the agents?  Do you ever establish this as a covert branch of the U.N.?  How do we know why people are doing something or how they feel?  Are there visual cues?

I have some fundamental story issues.  If she needed to kill Zvesti, why did she hesitate?  If she didn't, why not?  Why did they wait so long before thinking about the truth serum?  Why did they hesitate so long after deciding to go that route?  Why does S.O.L.E. have a full-on public firefight to rescue a two-year secret operative they want to kill anyway?  I know you said that you are going to explain the husband over the two years later, but it's so distracting we need something other than him waiting two years and want to just throw it all away over their first dinner together.

Please flesh this one out before moving on.  You will need a strong foundation before tacking on sequels.

Thanks for the post!

Hey,

I thought this was kind of so so.

I agree with one of the commentators that some of your phrasing was odd and I found that distracting.

Also, during the opening scene was confused about what was going on. Were we on the street seeing this, or did the scene go to the balcony. If it did you should make that clear with a slug. There was some other stuff like that through out, but I think that was the worst.  

Also, your pace was really frantic. I know some animes are like that, some of the ones I really like even, but still as a matter of personal preference I would have like it slowed down some.

Story wise I don't think you've done anything new yet and thus I didn't find it all that interesting. This is just the beginning so you could still pull something new out but so far I don't think you have. Not to say that you have to, some of my favorite animes aren't original at all(or even blatantly ripped things off) but usually the do what they steal really well. So far, I'd just say you're doing things adequately, not really well.

Also, plot wise, I thought the thing with Ben was kind of odd. It seemed like they were pretty distanced, as they probably should be, and then she vows vengeance after he gets killed. I suppose it's justifiable, but still it seems like you're reaching to me.

sheepwalker

Well FYI, I appreciate your feedback guys but as mentioned about the pace of the story? and the length, Erm yeah it needs to have that pace it is a SHORT!! when writing shorts you need to get everything to do with the story and development in there as quick as 10 pages will let you!! As for the Ben thing, I can see why many of you seem puzzled by this, but all will be cleared up in Episode two. LOL.

As for originality I would agree, it's not original but hey look at the current cinema state right now!! Not a lot of original things there... I had a basic story that people know, hence connect with!! I built it up and worked on it.

Not to mention this is only the second revision of the script and not the final draft!! LOL... So Ride with it guys, all will be clear in the second part of this two part story.

Thanks for the feedback,
Much appreciated!!

Darren.

Hey,

Quoted from Combichrist Erm yeah it needs to have that pace it is a SHORT!! when writing shorts you need to get everything to do with the story and development in there as quick as 10 pages will let you!!

I think part of what makes this feel like it has a frantic pace is your writing style. I think it's great for an action scene when a lot of stuff is going on really quickly but it seems to me like you don't really turn it off(or I guess you do it some, I would just like more). It reads quick and feels fast. Sometimes I think it's nice when things slow down and that down time can help accent the times when things really pick up.

Another thing is I don't think there is a rule that says its has to be 10 pages. You could up the page limit and let us breath a little. Or, if you insist on have the 10 page limit per episode(understandable) you could put less content into this episode. I don't know your story or where it is going but the scene with the council seemed like an alright part to go out on. You could leave the dinner scene for the next episode (or compress that scene in this episode and revisit it in more detail next episode). Ultimately I don't really have enough information to go on so you know better then me.  

Really though, it's a matter of personal taste. A lot of people like that kind of pace. I've liked some animes with that kind of pace, but generally speaking I prefer a slower pace. Thats just me.

Quoted from Combichrist As for originality I would agree, it's not original but hey look at the current cinema state right now!! Not a lot of original things there... I had a basic story that people know, hence connect with!! I built it up and worked on it.

Judging from the multiple exclamation points I'm guessing you didn't take that well. That's alright.

You're right, a lot of stuff is not that original. I don't think that's necessarily a justification for you doing it though if you can avoid it.

Like I said a lot of stuff I like, a lot of good stuff, isn't that original at all (I'd even say there are very few truly original ideas) All the stuff I've done myself is very reminiscent of other things (I'm even kind of self conscious about it, maybe thats why I tend to bring it up).

I also think thats a great point you made about people connecting with familiar things. I totally agree with that.

I just pointed it out because I think it's important to be aware of. I think its important for you to put your own funk on it. I know you have only had ten pages but thus far I don't know if you've done that.

If you do do that, I think your story will be more distinct and it will stand out more. I think it will be better for it.

sheepwalker  

Their is a thread floating about in this site about the short length. I think you wanted it to be 10 pages. But it can go on to 20pgs if you wanted. You'll get to flesh out the story a bit more; not everything, but enough to keep the reader interesting and lead it to the other episode.

Just a thought.
Gabe