Fatal Wounds by Trent Chapman (dexpac) - Horror - A recently divorced alcoholic is bitten by his undead best friend at the onset of a zombie uprising. Now, along with his latest one night stand and a drugged out neighbor, he must find his daughters and get them to safety before it's too late. 97 pages - pdf, format

Spoilers"

Right I Read this last night.

I have to say it's a pretty good script, well written and formatted. Perhaps the only thing I could pick about is writing the characters full names, instead of every piece of dialogue beginning with HENRY MORT, HENRY or MORT would probably look a lot tidier.
Also descriptions of the characters would be good.

The story is well crafted and there is actually a story line there, unlike most zombie films. I think if you dramatized things a bit more you could have a pretty touching story with henry and his wound, trying to get the others safe before he turns.

Characters are all pretty likeable, altho as I mentioned decriptions of them would be helpful. One thing I have to say is Jared's death? Seemed pretty pointless really and I liked that guy too! haha. It wasn't really needed I don't think, as Henry had worked so hard to protect everyone and given his life and all and then for one of the main characters to just die in the last few seconds of the film at the end of a montage.

It was really fast paced and I think that's good for zombie film, and it could have gone two ways into a character-driven piece or into an action-packed piece and it sort of stayed neutral, showing flashes of both.

Hopefully you're around on the site to respond to my feedback.

But a good read overall 8/10 I reckon!

****   THIS WHOLE RESPONSE IS SPOILER FILLED   *****

The fulls names were actually a conscious decision. Originally they all had last names, but I thought it would have more impact if I only used last names with the Mort family, and then it just seemed silly to have a news reporter that was just called NEWS REPORTER #1.

As far as Jared is concerned, I always wanted to kill him. That's kind of why I made him so likable. I wanted to remind people that this was a tragedy. He was originally supposed to die when Ted did and Ted was supposed to die much earlier. As much as I love him, Jared was born to die.

When I came to Henry's obvious death I didn't wanna do it in a way that all zombie movies have done before. (I.E. zombies over take someone and they shoot themselves to avoid becoming a zombie)  So I had Henry pull out the pistol (hoping people would assume that he's about to kill himself) then mixed it with Sam pulling his gun on Zombie Jared. The idea was that people can believe that Henry was capable of suicide if they want, but in truth the last thing you hear is Sam killing Jared.

As far as character descriptions go though, I think you're right and I can see how all the different people might have gotten confusing. My goal was to start with those first few pages being really slow/everyday and then the rest of it would kinda be a "race against time". So in my desire to keep things moving I kind of neglected things I probly shouldn't have neglected.

First off, this wasn't really the type of story I was expecting going into it.  It starts off rather ambiguously, but once the zombies begin attacking, the script clearly manifests itself as a comedy rather than a horror.  I was ok with this, as there are quite a few decent jokes in the dialog (mostly Jared's lines).  I was shocked once again when the script took a sudden dark turn near the end, beginning with Ted's suicide (which seemed rather out-of-character).  I'd really recommend rewriting the ending to follow the zomedy theme.  It's going to be much easier than trying to rewrite the rest of the movie as a horror, I think.

The first 27 pages move a bit slowly, particularly the scene at the bar.  Unfortunately, the bar scene does little to set up the characters, either.  Both Henry and Ashley came across as boring and shallow here, and not the strong, motivated characters that they later show themselves to be.  This scene actual works against their character development, as I had to overcome the images I had already of them.

Try using this scene to set things up for later in the movie.  Have Henry break out a picture of his daughters - that way I'm not floored later when I find that they're about ten years older than I expected.  Show us he's an alcoholic by contrasting his drinking with the others - as is, he just seems to be on par with them.  Explain what the heck SERE is, since it's actually relevant to his role in the movie!  Dropping the term in there without explaining it really alienates readers who don't know what that is (and I doubt I'm the only one).  Also, "what do you do?" is a topic that comes up nearly first thing in American culture.  I can't believe that they would've gone the whole evening without covering that already.

The majority of the "morning after" scene felt clunky to me.  The dialog flow seems a bit unnatural and unbelievable.  Things move too slowly.  If Mark's neck wound is that nasty, I think both he and Henry will be more concerned with it than with what happened to Krystal.  Ashley seems to accept Mark's corpse a little too easily.  The truck stop diner bit - doesn't really add anything to the story.  Detective Dambers - is this really who they would've picked as a spokesperson?  A detective?  Also, his "oh sorry" line of dialog seems a bit unrealistic.  I'd recommend adding an incubation period length here, too.  It gives us a timeline for Henry.  Finally, I'd recommend adding Jared to the scene sooner.  Why would he wait around before going after Henry?  Also, he can cut to the chase a bit on the "what's going on" situation.  Heck, maybe let him off Mark.  Followed by a snappy one-liner.  

I almost think you have too many zombies in the script.  They are literally everywhere.  All over the apartment, all over the streets, in all the houses, in the strip mall.  And there's not really anything special about them, or any of the kills.  This really seems much further into an outbreak than a few hours.  If that is the case, then set it up ahead of time.  Show us some zombies the night before.  But more importantly, rather than sprinkling zombies throughout the script, place them lovingly and specifically.  Give us some detailed descriptions.  Give us a few unique kills.  But ultimately, remember that a zombie movie is really about the survivors, and you don't have to throw zombies into a scene just for the sake of it.

While I'm on the subject of providing detailed descriptions, I want to mention that your script is almost devoid of scene descriptions.  These are a good opportunity to set things up for yourself.  You did it once, early in the script, with the hockey jerseys on the bedroom wall.  It worked well there, and you could have done something similar at the Williams house.  For example, there could be deer heads or other hunting paraphernalia on the living room walls to set up the fact that the dad has a small personal arsenal.

Some minor issues:

Do the Mort family members and the Williams brothers really need their last names listed?

Is stopping off at the gun shop rather than heading straight to the safe shelter really that great an idea?  I would expect Henry to know better.  If you want it to happen, maybe the car can need gas, and Henry knows a station with a nearby gun shop.

Jared's relationship to Henry could be established better.

Melanie, Stephanie, and Sam all have fairly vague personalities.

The interaction with the guys in the white truck has no bearing on the story.  Nor does the appearance of the Rangers.  I'd incorporate them or ditch them.

I really liked the postman, and I was disappointed that you just killed him off.  Why not give him a handgun and let him keep doing his rounds?  It sets you up for a nice "going postal" comment.

I think Henry is a great character, and with the roles of father/military survivalist/alcoholic, he has a lot of options to explore.  I think you cover the military angle pretty well, and he really shines as a natural leader.  I would try to incorporate the other aspects into the script a bit more.  Ashley is also a fairly good character, but maybe give her a little more room to shine.  What family does she have?  What's she thinking about them?  I don't think she needs to be developed quite as much as Henry, though - this is really his show.  Jared is fine as is - solid comic relief.

The more I think about it, the more I realize that this is really a unique take on zombie movies.  There is no zombie movie that I know of in which the lead character is  infected at the beginning and left with a ticking clock to accomplish what's important to him.  Anyway, I gave most of this feedback with the vision of your script as a comedy.  If you really want to go the horror route, I'll let you know what changes I think you should make.

I just want to start off with a big ass thank you. That's probly the most in-depth review I've ever gotten and it will no doubt have a significant impact on the next re-write. I just feel the need to clarify myself and the script a bit. Which essentially clarifies the fact that this draft was a 'failure'.

Quoted Text First off, this wasn't really the type of story I was expecting going into it.  It starts off rather ambiguously, but once the zombies begin attacking, the script clearly manifests itself as a comedy rather than a horror.  I was ok with this, as there are quite a few decent jokes in the dialog (mostly Jared's lines).  I was shocked once again when the script took a sudden dark turn near the end, beginning with Ted's suicide (which seemed rather out-of-character).  I'd really recommend rewriting the ending to follow the zomedy theme.  It's going to be much easier than trying to rewrite the rest of the movie as a horror, I think.

It was never meant to really be a comedy or a horror, it just sort of happened. Jared was always supposed to be the comic relief but, going into it, I didn't really expect it to end up as comical as it was. I may try to tone down the humor a bit in the next draft but I kind of like it as a sort of "distraction" from the fact that Henry's dieing. I think the relatively light hearted atmosphere gives Henry's inevitable death a little more oomph.

Quoted Text The first 27 pages move a bit slowly, particularly the scene at the bar.  Unfortunately, the bar scene does little to set up the characters, either.  Both Henry and Ashley came across as boring and shallow here, and not the strong, motivated characters that they later show themselves to be.  This scene actual works against their character development, as I had to overcome the images I had already of them.

It's funny you say that because what I was trying to do was establish them as bored and somewhat empty inside. Henry's not strong and motivated because he has no reason to be. His Army kicked him out and his wife took his kids and ran off with another man. On the other hand, this is one of those scenes that got re-written so many times that I think I just kinda lost sight of what I was trying to do with it.

Quoted Text Try using this scene to set things up for later in the movie.  Have Henry break out a picture of his daughters - that way I'm not floored later when I find that they're about ten years older than I expected.    Explain what the heck SERE is, since it's actually relevant to his role in the movie!  Dropping the term in there without explaining it really alienates readers who don't know what that is (and I doubt I'm the only one).

That's kind of what I was doing. I wanted to try and bring up his daughters somewhere in here but just couldn't find a way to make it make sense. Pulling out a photo of your teenage daughters isn't the best way to pick up chicks. I don't think it's necessary to telegraph where the script is going anyway. And I don't really think you being shocked about how old his daughters are is really a bad thing. In fact I kinda like the fact that I fucked with your perception of things.

More than anything though, with that scene I was trying to establish an immediate bond between Henry and Ashley. That's pretty much the whole point of the SERE comment. The fact that most people don't know what it is makes it almost like the two share a secret, which I tend to find romantic in it's way.

Quoted Text Also, "what do you do?" is a topic that comes up nearly first thing in American culture.  I can't believe that they would've gone the whole evening without covering that already. Show us he's an alcoholic by contrasting his drinking with the others - as is, he just seems to be on par with them.

I don't really know how long they've all been there or when they moved to a booth, but Mark's been doing the majority of the talking and most of it has been bullshit in an attempt to win over Ashley, which left Henry to Krystal. It leaves people to wonder, "is she fucked up because she's trying to keep up with Henry, or is she fucked up because she's already been bitten?". As far as Henry's alcoholism is concerned I think him stealing his buddy's drinks establishes that pretty well. And really, Ashley is the only one on par with him which goes back to the whole 'them bonding thing', but even she can't keep up in the end.

Quoted Text The majority of the "morning after" scene felt clunky to me.  The dialog flow seems a bit unnatural and unbelievable.  Things move too slowly.  If Mark's neck wound is that nasty, I think both he and Henry will be more concerned with it than with what happened to Krystal.  Ashley seems to accept Mark's corpse a little too easily.  The truck stop diner bit - doesn't really add anything to the story. I'd recommend adding an incubation period length here, too.  It gives us a timeline for Henry.  Finally, I'd recommend adding Jared to the scene sooner.  Why would he wait around before going after Henry?  Also, he can cut to the chase a bit on the "what's going on" situation.  Heck, maybe let him off Mark.  Followed by a snappy one-liner.

Yeah, I never have been able to get this scene to really flow right, not really sure how to fix it though. I'm thinking about having the morning after start in Mark's room and showing Krystal attacking him rather than him try to explain himself while bleeding to death. Ashley doesn't really just "accept his corpse", she's just worried about her cousin. The diner bit establishes the fact that she sort of knows what's going on and therefore is willing to accept that Mark's corpse was not Henry's fault. She turns on the news and confirms this.

Quoted Text Detective Dambers - is this really who they would've picked as a spokesperson?  A detective?  Also, his "oh sorry" line of dialog seems a bit unrealistic.

Well, he's not necessarily the police departments spokesperson, but it isn't all that uncommon for the press to interview the lead investigator. The "oh sorry" bit is meant to establish that he's been shook up and isn't thinking clearly.  Also, just before this line I established that the first signs of the outbreak were over twelve hours ago. Odds are he hasn't slept for awhile.

Quoted Text Finally, I'd recommend adding Jared to the scene sooner.  Why would he wait around before going after Henry?  Also, he can cut to the chase a bit on the "what's going on" situation.  Heck, maybe let him off Mark.  Followed by a snappy one-liner.

I don't really know what he was doing before he met up with Henry, but he wasn't just sitting around waiting. What he was doing may have been really interesting, or he might have just woke up, or he might have been getting high and didn't think to leave until he ran out of weed. Either way it's not really relevant to Henry's story. As far as cutting to the chase on "what's going on", Ashley's truck stop bit and the newscast pretty much summed that up pretty well, I thought.

Quoted Text I almost think you have too many zombies in the script.  They are literally everywhere.  All over the apartment, all over the streets, in all the houses, in the strip mall.  And there's not really anything special about them, or any of the kills.  This really seems much further into an outbreak than a few hours.  If that is the case, then set it up ahead of time.  Show us some zombies the night before.

Well, it's over twelve hours into the outbreak. The fact that the "real" News was on instead of SportsCenter was supposed to be the clue that shit's not right. I think to have zombies roaming the streets unnoticed the night before would have been too "Shaun of the Dead", which I already fear the script is. I'm not saying they weren't there, I just didn't feel the need to hit readers over the face with it. I want them to learn about it as Henry does.

Quoted Text But more importantly, rather than sprinkling zombies throughout the script, place them lovingly and specifically.  Give us some detailed descriptions.  Give us a few unique kills.  But ultimately, remember that a zombie movie is really about the survivors, and you don't have to throw zombies into a scene just for the sake of it.

Well, I certainly didn't just sprinkle zombies in at random, there's always a reason. I can't think of a zombie that didn't serve the story and severely affect the living.

Quoted Text Is stopping off at the gun shop rather than heading straight to the safe shelter really that great an idea?  I would expect Henry to know better.  If you want it to happen, maybe the car can need gas, and Henry knows a station with a nearby gun shop.

I don't know, I think Henry's been trained to always have a Plan B, and his experience in the military has taught him not to assume that they'll take care of you when "the shit hits the fan". They'll just teach you how to deal with it.

Quoted Text Melanie, Stephanie, and Sam all have fairly vague personalities.

I'm not sure who Stephanie is but I thought Melanie was pretty well established as the typical teenage girl who blames her life on Daddy for not being around. Sam is the guy that Henry is subtly training to take over for him as his daughters' protector when he's gone.

Quoted Text The interaction with the guys in the white truck has no bearing on the story.  Nor does the appearance of the Rangers.  I'd incorporate them or ditch them.

Yeah, the White truck guys are from a much earlier draft. Not sure how I managed to not remove them completely.  The Army Rangers are supposed to represent all the US soldiers that Henry treated like POWs over the years. He's just hallucinating them as a result of the infection/fever. You'll notice that it starts with nightmares and evolves into hallucinations. It's basically his "ticking clock of doom".

Quoted Text I really liked the postman, and I was disappointed that you just killed him off.  Why not give him a handgun and let him keep doing his rounds?  It sets you up for a nice "going postal" comment.

People like him are the reason the disease spread as fast as it did. You know how people feel all noble about never taking a sick day? Those are the people that make the flu season four times worse than it has to be. They get sick but show up to work anyway and give whatever it is they've got to everyone else.

Once again I can't even begin to tell you how helpfull this review was. I didn't completely agree with all of it but it did force me to see it all through another set of eyes and will profoundly shape future drafts.  I've always known the direction I wanted to take with this but now I have an honest view of where I missed the mark. Thanks, again.  

No problem, glad you found my feedback helpful.  I don't think I'd call it a failure, though.  First drafts are first drafts.  

If you're going to focus on making it a more dramatic script, I'd suggest slowing the pace down a bit.  It reads through really fast, so there's not a lot of tension until the end.  Work on adding more detailed descriptions like I mentioned above.  Use these to convey the mood you want.

If Krystal's been infected, how did that happen?  The reader has no reason to suspect that she has...no bite marks are shown, no stories are told about it.  If they had heard about the zombie breakout earlier, wouldn't they talk about it at the bar?  Seems like an interesting thing to bring up in conversation.  This also allows you to establish it earlier, rather than having Ashley mention it later as an aside.  There's a difference between telegraphing and foreshadowing, though I'll admit the line can be a bit blurry.  In any event, I think you want to shoot for subtlety.  Which is hardly easy, but hopefully nobody told you that writing was easy.  

Quoted from DexPac I'm not sure who Stephanie is

Whoops, meant Tiffany.   In my defense, those names do sound a lot alike.  

Quoted from DexPac The Army Rangers are supposed to represent all the US soldiers that Henry treated like POWs over the years. He's just hallucinating them as a result of the infection/fever.

Two things.  If they're just hallucinations, why did Jared swerve to avoid them?  Second, that first part is a really great, rather creepy concept that I didn't get when I read the script.  I'd really encourage you to involve it more in your rewrite.

Quoted from DexPac People like him are the reason the disease spread as fast as it did. You know how people feel all noble about never taking a sick day? Those are the people that make the flu season four times worse than it has to be. They get sick but show up to work anyway and give whatever it is they've got to everyone else.

I think this is another really great concept, and also one that I didn't get when reading through the story.  I think this is another idea that could be more developed, to good effect.

I look forward to seeing your next draft!