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The No-No Door by Raymond H. Smith - Short - Jasmyn is about to find out that skeletons in the closet are in the closet for a reason… 5 pages - pdf, format
I don't think you have to say, "Her mom, MOMMY..." I think "MOMMY ... will suffice." Text that appears on screen (such as "me", "mommy" and "daddy") need to capitalized in the script.
I loved it.
I feel kinda dirty for thinking she's a big whore.
I don't know. I can understand the mom's reaction to getting busted, but what's with Jasmyn's reaction? She's definitely not old enough to know who that is, since I think I was about 8 when they were big...loooong ago. Does this take place in the late 80's?
I liked the way it flowed, and the writing was done pretty well, but after that much build up I would have liked to have seen a payoff that worked from both sides.
The pacing of the story was very well done from the start. Hooked from page one. I think the little girls dialogue was sometimes a little to grown-up. It always stands out like a sore thumb when movies make the kids sound like adults. (Signs)
Not that you do it alot, but a few places like when she says,
"In fact, I don't think I've ever done anything with my dad."
This line is also confusing and ambiguous. Her saying, "I don't think"... Has she never had a dad around, or is he just neglectful?
Again, I think the writing and pacing is really well done, and I did not expect that ending. I thought she might be dirty as well, or maybe a supernatural twist.
With that said, the script being funny is solely derived from the ending, until then we don't know what we are dealing with. And I just don't think, for that much set-up, that the punch-line hits hard enough. Not only would she not know who New Kids on the Block are, even if she was old enough to know the joke would be a little soft for such a build-up.
I like the fact that you carry a serious tone through-out to emphasize the absurdity of what’s really in the room, but you might want to a shorten it up to a few pages. I think it’s to long for were it goes. Maybe just show us the secret room, the girl, no dad, and punch-line.
In conclusion, great writing, I like the concept itself but the end made me feel a little cheated.
I thought it was a cute little short. I'm a bit iffy about the ending though - on the one hand it worked it was a surprise and it was an amusing surprise - on the other hand it really could have been much better and taken the piece into a more serious genre. As it stands now the ending cheapens the story, not that it isn't good, just not as good as it can be.
A few times during the story I had some difficulty with the way Jasmyn spoke. One of biggest offenders is this example:
I will think about your request and get back to you.
I thought this line was a bit old for Jasmyn. If she learned it from her mom, then you didn't show us.
I have to agree with the others about the ending though. You have a great set-up, with the mystery of what happened to the dad and what's in the pad-locked room, but the final gag fell kinda flat for me - it's embarrassing for the mother, but no more than that, and I doubt an 8 year old would react so strongly.
And, writing "Her mother" is completely redundant - we can guess that easily enough from her name.
'Wow', was the only thing I thought after reading this. Oh yeah, and I had a big smile on my face.
Personally, I thought this was great.
The brilliant part is what a couple people have been complaining about. That is was too much of a build-up for that kind of ending. I thought it was perfect, though.
I couldn't wait to see what was behind the door, and, to me, it wasn't a let-down.
Honestly, I think you'll also get a great reaction from the audience if this were on screen. Anybody old enough to remember NKOTB would laugh their asses off at this.
- Mark
QUICK POP TRIVIA:
Anybody who remembers this, I'll send them ten dollars through the real mail. (When I have it.)
What was the original band name for 'New Kids on the Block' before they were known as 'New Kids on the Block'?
Thanks to those who have posted so far. ABSteel - I'm a little confused by the capitalization thing, but I'm going to assume you are talking about the names on the picture. Pia - Thanks bunches - I was concerned about my silly grace. Shelton - I understand. I really do. And I think it is perfectly valid. Punchline - thanks for pointing out the ambiguity. Mcornetto and James - I'll elaborate in general notes. rc1107 - Thanks much.
In general, I am still trying to get a complete story in five pages or less. A big struggle for me. This is more or less testing out some more ideas and methods for accomplishing just that. I felt my way through a multitude of possible endings and liked this one the best. Because the build up was so big. It does make the scream less natural and an overreaction, but I like that. Sorry. I'm still trying to take shorts seriously. As far as Jasmyn's precociousness, she's less precocious than the few girls I've based her on and one of them is four. I understand that it's not what we see in movies today. But, I get frequently irritated at the way children are dumbed down in media. I know a lot of parents that think they've got a genius on their hands because their kid says and does things they don't even see middle schoolers doing on tv. I was six or seven when I won grand prize of a writing contest and beat out high-school seniors, and look where I am.
I'm going to make a few of the suggested fixes and probably shoot this someday. I like the fact that I'm getting the kind of feedback I expected, but at a higher favorable percent than I figured.
In response to Mark's throwdown, I will be willing to match the $10 prize money for the first person willing to post the correct answer for all to see. I know I'm not going to. Thanks again, all. And thanks for posting, Don. No worries on any lag time.
'Course I couldn't put anything past a guy with your apparent lack of shame, mcornetto. Private message me your address and it'll be on it's way, should cover some craft services at least. Congratulations and... congratulations.
Honestly Raymond, use the money to fund your film. You too, Mark. You don't need to send it to me. As usual, my payment is the satisfaction and pleasure of being the first to answer yet another useless trivia question.
Nice, Michael. And thank you for letting me keep the ten dollars. My probation officer thanks you more, I'm sure.
Just out of curiosity, though. Did you know it offhand or did you look it up online? If you looked it up online, you're a cheat. If you knew it offhand, you're a nerd.
Quoted from another_punchline
I think the little girls dialogue was sometimes a little to grown-up. It always stands out like a sore thumb when movies make the kids sound like adults.
I meant to comment on this earlier, too. I don't think Jasmyn's dialogue isn't beyond her years at all. It's amazing how well children can rationalize situations these days.
Just a couple days ago, I was babysitting a friend's daughter who's six and, well, let's just say the little girl's mother has been fucking up and not making the wisest decisions in life. I was talking to the little girl and, straight from her mouth, she looked at me and said "My mommy has to grow up and learn to take care of what's important."
That's got to be the worst feeling in the world when your own six year-old daughter can see you're heading down the wrong path.
Honestly Raymond, use the money to fund your film. You too, Mark. You don't need to send it to me. As usual, my payment is the satisfaction and pleasure of being the first to answer yet another useless trivia question.
Fair enough, I'm just saying when I read it, her saying "In fact," made me stop and think is that a phrase an eight year old would say? That and the I'll consider your request line, as mentioned I thought this would be something we would have to hear her mom for her to say it in that way.
I know an eight year old would know the words, but the phrasing is very adult.