Cupidity by Mike Shelton - Short - Barry's got a plan and a line, but is that enough to get him a date? 6 pages - pdf, format

Hmm...

I wish you would've chosen an ending, instead of giving us both. I like them both equally.

Hey Mike, cool script. Very clever little title as well, made me want to read it.

Your formatting and spelling was top notch, I didn't notice a single error. I'm not the most attentive reader, so I wouldn't take my word that there are no mistakes, but it all looks pretty good so well done.

The story was also well-written, it went very fast and your dialogue felt very real and natural. No stiff, awkward, on-the-nose movie dialogue, it flowed really well.

I liked being able to chose between the two different endings. While it's not general practice to have both endings in the same script, it was cool to be able to read both of them. Personally, I liked the alternate ending better. I think it's funnier and it's also a lot less cruel to Renee.

Overall, a pretty good short. Clever, fast-paced and well-written. I liked this one a lot. Well done.


Matt.

Who has an alternate ending for a five-pager haha.

This is cute and easy to do, which is what I am sure you had in mind.

I would go with alternate #1 -- with a small change in the scenario.

Since he is the vending machine guy, he should have her favorite snack, like a bag of Skittles or something.

Then, later, he can snatch it back, which might add a little to the comic effect you are going for at the end.

hey, i actually prefer the first ending.  it draws a more effective response.  the second ending is decent, but i think we want more for something 5 minutes long (although it would likely be shorter considering it's mainly dialogue).  with the first ending, i liked it because i wasn't expecting it, and also, i didn't think it was cruel, since she kind of did reject him, and then he was just telling the truth.  considering it was their first encounter, he wouldn't be able to gauge if she was interesting, so he shouldn't have to lie to her

bert makes a great suggestion.  i love the idea of him taking back her favorite snack

No FADE IN or FADE OUT?

I like how Barry just keeps rambling the same stuff over and over.

What's wrong with Barry? Is he blind or something? Can't tell one face from another? I don't think the mix-up works for me...

The alternate ending is better IMHO. Gives an explanation to the "mix-up".

Sorry if I sound grumpy. I'm not.   I just read a LOT of 5 pagers every day.

Pia

Hey all,

Thanks for the feedback so far.  I thought putting the alternate ending in there would be something different for a change, and I'm glad to see that they both appear to work, even though the preference seems to shift back and forth.  I guess that's a good thing though, since I wanted the script to be seamless no matter which one was chosen.

Bert,

Great suggestion with the snack thing.  I think I'd have to shift things around a little bit to make it work, but I like it.

Pia,

I NEVER use FADE IN or OUT.  To me, they're like MORES and CONT'Ds.  Unnecessary clutter.

It's just a case of mistaken identity.  He's just a vending machine guy who sees a girl in passing day to day, and when he finally gets up the nerve to talk to her, he meets a girl that looks just like her instead.

I don't think you sound grumpy at all.

Maybe I'm weird, but I NEVER mix up faces.

I do use FADE IN and FADE OUT though.

Pia  

Don't listen to Breanne, people mix up people's faces all the time.  Oops, I mean don't listen to pia.  Sorry, I have a bad habit of mixing up avatars.

Well, Zombie Sean,  

This was good.  I got a chuckle out of the end.  I think I like the first ending better, though.  But probably not for the reason that you think.  I don't know if you meant it this way, but I saw it as when Barry saw he was getting rejected, he knew that she worked on 8, but purposely said 17 both as a way to back out of the awkward situation and kind of shove it into Renee's face at the same time.  The wench probably doesn't even have a boyfriend, does she?

Maybe if you turn this into a feature we could find out a little-...   (just kidding.)

Pretty good, Mike.

- Mark

What no FADE IN or FADE OUT!?

Just kidding.

I liked it.  There were characters and a story and even two, count em two, endings.  As everything stands I like the second one best.

Lots of stuff popped into my head while I was reading this. Some of it I won't repeat in mixed company *ahem* but the stuff related to the script was:

I think it would be interesting if she gets his name wrong.  Calls him Harry or Larry and he corrects her.  She's too perfect as she is.

I thought the mix up ending would work better if she accepts his invitation and then they realise it's a mix up - especially if she mixed him up with the vending machine guy on her floor as well.  Love blooms, match made in heaven.

Well done though. A precursor to a Movie Poet entry perhaps?

Hey Mike,

Ha!  Short and sweet.  I liked it very much.  This definitely had the Shelton charm written all over it.  In the first ending, would he really mistake Renee for someone else, though?  I mean, all us dudes have been in Barry's position before and mistaking her for someone else I think just seems obscure to me.  Unless this actually happened to you, in which case I should just shut up.

Like everyone else said, both endings were great.  I think the second ending would allow this to work better as an SNL-mellow-type-skit-deal, but both put a smile on my face.

Very well done, good sir.

I love that title!  This was the first one I decided to read simply for the title alone(only after did I realize that you wrote it).  

Onto the story:

I thought it was really good -- one of the better "5 pagers" on here.  I think what really made it stand out was the Barry character.  His character was spot on in terms of his dialogue and just the way he acts when confronting her.

Ah the ending(s).  I think I'm more of a fan of the first one (it's the one that got an audible laugh out of me, whereas the other just made me chuckle inside).  I think you should take Bert and Mcornetto's ideas and add them for a bigger bang at the end.  Like he's already offered her the snack and she accepts the date and he says something like "Well, I guess I'll see you on the 17th floor tomorrow." and then she tells him and he snatches the candy back and just change the word "Interesting" with "Date" on those last 2 pieces of dialogue.

On the technical side, I don't think I noticed any problems.

I think this would definitely be a good, cheap short film with an effective punch at the end.  As it is, I give it a 4.9/5 because I still think you could easily throw 1 or 2 extra things in there to make it a bit funnier and better.  Still, it's a really good script.  

Hope this helps!

I'd have liked some more dialogue between "I work on the eighth floor" and "Hold On" - as Barry's switch in tone feels too abrupt to me. But aside from that, I can't find any fault with the script.

Hey all,

Thanks for another batch of reads.  Still looks like the preference is mixed in regards to the ending, but the first one seems to draw more logic problems.  I don't think mixups like the one I've laid out are common, but they are possible.  Especially when you factor a nervous, stammering man into the equation.

Mark,

That's an interesting interpretation of the first ending.  I hadn't really thought of it that way when I wrote it, but I can see how it could be taken that way.

Mike,

I don't think I'll be entering MP any time soon.  I'm positive I wouldn't have the time to devote to reading as many scripts as I would like to.

Greg,

I do think it's completely possible.  He sees her in a spot unlike where he normally sees her and it helps add to the confusion.  It's definitely a far fetched scenario, but that's the beauty of writing.  You can get away with certain things like that.

Hoody,

Funny thing about the title is that it's a real word.  I came across it and thought it was perfect.  I agree that it would make a nice, cheap short film, so we'll see if it gets any interest.  If not, I may revisit Barry with another idea I have regarding a bad date.

James C,

Congratulations on being the first person, ever, to say I should have had more dialogue.

Thanks to all for reading.