The Fate of Flight 700 by Matthew Chisholm (chism) - Short, Mystery - On a dusty shelf, in an abandoned warehouse, there is a box. How long it has been there, no one knows. But ten year old David is about to discover that some boxes should never be opened. For inside this box is a secret that could have devastating consequences for the human race. Based upon the short story by Matthew Reilly. 5 pages - pdf, format

Hey Chism,

Wow...what a story. The ending is really powerful. Its more a wtf good type of experience.

SPOILERS

Hopefully, I get the gist of the story: the aliens must be protected. Is that it? That's pretty much what I got.

I can't critque it much. I need to see if I got the gist right. If anything else comes to me, ill let you know.

Sorry if I was not much help,
Gabe

hey, just read it, here are my notes:

i was a little confused by the story.  i took it to be that he was bored, so he went outside, and the confrontation with the bully got him to the warehouse.  but i don't understand why that box, if it was so important, was carelessly left out.  it should have already been destroyed or at least looked after a little better, right?  there was also a shift in tone kind of.  it starts off as this drama with this lonely kid, then all of a sudden it turns into kind of a supense type piece.  and then at the end we have more questions than answers.  now if this was the beginning to a longer piece, that would make more sense.  like the rest of the movie was about the significance of that info and stuff and how it was eventually discovered and who was trying to suppress it (kind of like a horror movie-it opens with a normal scene of perhaps people on vacation, and then they get killed in the first 5 minutes and that's how we're introduced to the world of the film).  but if this is the entire story you want to tell, then i think u should spend more time on it

POSSIBLE SPOILERS:

Gabe,

Yeah, you got it in one. The government -- or whoever else might be protecting this box -- can?t risk letting the information about the aliens out, for fear of widespread panic. I really love government cover-ups and alien conspiracy type stuff, so I thought I would put a little of that into there.

Thanks for the read, I?m glad you enjoyed it and look forward to reading any further comments you might have. It was just something I whipped up in a couple of hours for fun, I?m pretty happy with the way it turned out.

dkw208,

Thanks for taking the time to point out some stuff for me to look at. I know what you mean about the box. I struggled with this as well, but there are several ways you can look at it. My personal favourite theory was given to me by a friend Alex, who suggested that perhaps the person who killed David had stolen the box from some government agency that was protecting it (possibly in some blackmail scheme?) and is just hiding out in this warehouse for a while. I wanted this to be the kind of script where you interpret for yourself what is going on. I try to do this a lot but most of the time I seem to end up confusing everyone, so sorry about that .

I completely get what you?re saying about the bully story at the beginning. That was just me trying to get David into the warehouse so he could find the box. I know it?s a big leap, and I was a little concerned that people wouldn?t go along with it. I?m planning another draft, so I?ll try to address the shift in tone as much as I can. Thanks for pointing it out to me.

This is the entire story I?m going to tell. It?ll always end with a gun being pointed at David?s head, but I?m going to go back and spend a little more time fleshing things out. I really appreciate you guys taking the time to read and comment on it. Every little bit helps.


Matt.

well since you want to keep it short, i will say this, i think the story would work better if it ended with gun being pointed, but we don't hear the blast. the blast gives it to much finality, whereas we are left with suspense if we dont know what happens

That's a pretty good idea. I'll take it under consideration.

Thanks again.  


Matt.

Hey Chism Schism,

Finally, something new from the Chismeister. This felt like two seperate stories and it worked as such. And that's a shame cos' the second part of the story (David finding the cockpit voice recorder) is actually the most interesting one. The lead up to that is very generic but I guess you had to find a reason for him to get inside the warehouse.

I think it would work better if you had opened the story on the warehouse and show a baseball or a football fly through the window, and then have David enter the warehouse in search of that (thereby eleminating the first 2 pages - cos' let's be honest, nothing really important happens on those pages).

Anyways - just my thoughts.

And I agree with dkw208, no need to actually show the gun being fired.

Cheers
Rob

Hi Chism,

Good little story, It was written well and managed to achieve the level of suspense you were aiming for. I did however get a bit confused at the end. What was the box? I thought it was just a radio on the pilots wavelength but it must of been more as all the kid did was hear an emergency message that other people could of got on radio's no?

Or by pressing the button did the kid actually somehow interfere with the alien spaceship, or make it appear? Maybe I have missed something here and am being really thick but never quite got it.

It was very well written though and I liked the build up, It made the ending much more of a surprise.


EDIT: I should have waited to read Snipers comment first shouldn't I? it is official I am thick!! Of course it was a "black box" recorder. That makes sense. Good job, jeez I feel stupid.

Hey Rob... Bob

Comments appreciated as always. Yeah, the first part of the story feels pretty disjointed and it always bugged me, but I thought I could get away with it. Should've known I couldn't fool you.  

I like your suggestion about starting in the warehouse and having something come through the window. It would sure simplify things. Thanks for the suggestion.

Anyways, thanks for the input. I'm glad you liked at least half of it.

Murphy,

Thanks for the read, I'm glad you liked it (and don't worry about feeling like an idiot. Just go back and change your post, make it sound like you're a total genius. I do it all the time  )

Anyways, appreciate the reviews, guys.


Matt.

Hey Matt,

Nice little script.  

But I'm going to have to agree with Rob.  Cut the first two pages they don't add anything important. Start it with the basement, something crashing through the window, and him entering.  Maybe have some kids taunting him to go inside - if you want to explore that aspect of his character or maybe give some mythos to the building.  

I don't mind the gunshot at the end.  However, I do think that short shorts have an advantage when the ending leaves you hanging, so not having the gunshot might actually work better for you in the long run.

Michael  

This is good, Chism.  Could be better.

I agree with losing the bully, but it seems you have already been convinced of that.

For me, I would like to hear more of that voice on tape.  That is your compelling hook, and I found it underutilized.  Is there some way David could hear a series of recordings?

Like one recording, then some dead air?  Then he hears a sound in the warehouse.  What was that noise?  But then a second recording begins and he listens to that.

You can tell a mini-story with those recordings, where the final reveal is the ultimate fate of flight 700, you know?

My thoughts, anyway.  I’ve never heard of the author you cite.  Is he famous or a friend of yours?

Hey Matt,

Not too bad of a little piece.

I read that some of the others are advising you to lose the bully in the beginning, and just start the story inside the abandoned warehouse with the keys crashing through.  That wouldn't be a bad idea, but if you do keep the bully, you might want to fix one of his lines of dialogue.  At the bottom of the first page, you have him say 'Let's talk a walk.'  I'm pretty sure that's not what you wanted him to say.  I wasn't sure if he was supposed to say "Let's take a walk", or "Let's talk a while."

The ending, to me, did seem a bit brash for not having too much information about the person hiding out in the warehouse.  But I think Bert has a pretty good idea in drawing out the recording a little bit more.  Maybe throw in a couple more secrets about the u.f.o. or even something very incriminating about the person hiding out in the warehouse.  Make it seem important that Dave could never tell anybody what he has found.

Still a pretty good story.  Was there more to the short story you based this on?

- Mark

Michael,

Thanks for the read. Don't worry, the first two pages will be gone in the second draft. I'm going to start in the warehouse and just get to the point quickly as possible.

I haven't decided what I'm going to do with the gunshot yet, it might stay or it might go. We'll see when the second draft comes around. Thanks for the read and the comments. Much appreciated.

Bert,

I suppose it's possible for David to hear more than one recording. It's a pretty good idea I think, especially with him hearing something in the warehouse, then a second recording starts. Could be a good tension-building device. The only problem is there would have to be more than one box in there, because why would there be recordings from other aircrafts on one blackbox?

The author, unfortunately, is not a friend of mine. He is a bonafied bestseller. He's written six or seven big action novels. He's huge down here, I'm not sure how his work does over in the U.S. He did just sell a pilot script to ABC with Darren Star executive producing and Jenna Elfman starring. So once the writer's strike is done, he's going to have his own series out there.

Anyway, thanks for the read and for the suggestions. You've given me a lot to think about. Glad you enjoyed (most of) it.

Mark,

Thanks for pointing out the typo, there's always one or two that slip by. The line is meant to be "let's take a walk". Thanks for that. As for the recordings, I'm going to have a think about it and see how I can extended it, put in a few more conspiracy type nuggets of information, make it a little more interesting. Thanks for the suggestions, they're greatly appreciated.

The short story ended before the recording even finsished. So, no there's nothing more from the short story. Anyway, thanks for the read and and I'm glad you liked it.

Thanks for the reviews, guys. They're very helpful.  

Matt.

hey, i dont think u should start in the warehouse.  just shorten it.  otherwise the question will remain, how did he get in there?  exposition is tedious, but important

Quoted from chism The only problem is there would have to be more than one box in there, because why would there be recordings from other aircrafts on one blackbox?

No, Matt.  One box, and multiple recordings from the SAME aircraft.  The box records everything from the flight, right?

I mean one recording, "Hey, something weird is going on" and then later, "Hey, it is getting weirder", and the final one, "Holy Crapp!"  Each subsequent recording would build on the previous one.

It's still just a suggestion, but if you lose the bully, you should have room for it.  Sorry I wasn't clear.