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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Thriller Scripts  ›  Tatuuk Moderators: bert
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  Author    Tatuuk  (currently 1595 views)
Don
Posted: February 1st, 2008, 9:56pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Tatuuk by Bruce Marich - Thriller - An orphaned Wolf and two old college roommates (Bruce and Robbie) encounter unparalleled obstacles after finding a stone that had been buried in a cave at the bottom of a lake for centuries. The key to reading the writing on the stone is hidden in three maps and a family Bible that were left to Robbie after the death of his Grandfather. Three ancient maps of which one is written in human and canine blood are the Rosetta stone that’s needed to decipher the ancient writings.  137 pages - pdf, format


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bert  -  February 1st, 2008, 11:48pm
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mikep
Posted: February 2nd, 2008, 9:50am Report to Moderator
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From the very first line, the fomatting is 100% incorrect.
No slug lines, all caps - actions that should be 3 to 4 different lines of description are all in one line.
Am not sure who will sit down to go through close to 140 pages if the basic rules of screenwriting haven't been followed.


13 feature scripts, 2 short subjects. One sale, 4 options. Nothing filmed. Damn.

Currently rewriting another writer's SciFi script for an indie producer in L.A.
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Tatuuk
Posted: February 6th, 2008, 6:02pm Report to Moderator
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My wife sent in the wrong script. We were running out to get Married. No kidding!! I could send you the correct one if you would like. I'd appreaciate it if you would give it a glance. Bruce
brucemarich@yahoo.com
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mikep
Posted: February 6th, 2008, 6:26pm Report to Moderator
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Well congrats on getting married! Wish I could have stopped you beforehand but...so it goes.    

Yeah I'd be interested in reading an update. You can post it here or send to me mprevette@email.com.


13 feature scripts, 2 short subjects. One sale, 4 options. Nothing filmed. Damn.

Currently rewriting another writer's SciFi script for an indie producer in L.A.

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mikep  -  February 7th, 2008, 1:38pm
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mikep
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Hi Bruce,     
     Sat down and read Tatuuk last night and will be glad to offer you some of what I hope will be constructive feedback. Am glad you sent over the revised version as I quite like mythology themed horror stuff so was glad to give this a read.
     If I am following the story correctly, our heroes Bruce and Robbie come into possession of half of the original tablets the Ten Commandments were written on. The tablets were removed from the Ark ( Noah’s ark? Ark Of The Covenant?) ages ago and hidden as they were being used as weapons ( by who though? That isn’t quite clear), which violates the Commandments themselves. Now the pieces have been found and if they are joined together ( as is happening since out heroes don’t know the entire story) it will bring about the end of days, the beginning of the end of the world. Our lead, Bruce, has come to own a lone wolf cub named Tatuuk, but the wolf is actually the Arch Angel Michael, waiting for the beginning of doom to begin so he can stop Lucifer from using the tablets for evil ?
     Am curious, do you read much horror/fantastic fiction? Some of the mythology elements reminded me of Graham Masterton’s novels, many of which use Native American magic as their background. I love those books and at times it seems that’s the feel you were going for. That being said, I am not sure how the Indian angel plays into this, since the basic mythology and the one that directs the action in the ending. It seems you should go into one direction or the other, into Christian angel and demon mythology, or Native American Indian.
     The formatting is much better here than in the first version posted, much cleaner and easier to read. However, there are still many instances where you switch locales, maybe from inside to outside, or outside to inside a car, then traveling, then outside again, all happening under the same scene heading. If someone is in the car, it’s  INT. CAR – as they get out, EXT. HOSPITAL –when they go inside, it would be INT. HOSPITAL – etc – but there are instances where you have multiple scene changes not being set apart with their own scene heading. Looking at the typos throughout the screenplay and the messy scene headings, it’s a good guess this is just the first completed draft. The formatting needs to be correct all the way through.  Also we have the issue of a 126 pages screenplay where it’s not clear or explained what is happening or what the threat really is until over 100 pages in. There’s very little mystery – they find the “rocks” which hum and “zap” people – but aside from that there is very little at all to keep the story moving or exciting. Now it is fine that maybe the final mystery isn’t solved until the end but there has to be something along the way to keep things going – either mystery solving as in The DaVinci Code or the National Treasure movies, or more action/horror elements. You have this character HOPKINS appear in the end, telling us more of what we need to know…but..who is he…why is he needed? He says his piece then goes away. The longest story/action thread is the Indian man disappearing and being followed – but – in the end he serves no purpose as the main conflict is between two Angels. Also as said before…am not sure that the Ten Commandments are going to be connected to ancient Indian magic injustices done by the white man…
     The dialogue I would suggest needs to be re-written from page one. Too many characters speak with exclamation points. A few are fine yes, but here they run rampant. In some cases, there are pages of needless dialogue that is adding nothing to the story really at all – a case in point is the LONG interrogation of the Orderly after the Indian escapes. He’s hounded by CSI & FBI for 10 pages…when looking at the security cameras would tell them….hey, he’s not our man. The long questioning adds nothing that is of real value. That’s one example, but, too many times someone says “you know what, I’m gonna go to here and do this” and then they go there to do that – have them do it – not talk about it. That eats up a huge chunk of your dialogue. I was thinking as reading, if we edited down all the dialogue that tells us what we’re already seeing, the script might be 70 pages instead of over 120.
     I like the enthusiasm in the screenplay, you wanted to build a mystery that will endanger mankind and life as we know it, and you engineer a big special effects ending to be sure – the tablets are joined, the gates of Hell are opened, and out comes Lucifer – only to have a debate with Michael and then get dropped back into his cave. No drama – no real conflict – no action really. It builds, then just …..ends. I think maybe you had VISUALS too much in mind, and didn’t work on the drama of the situation. It’s a long haul of 125 pages only to have it just end on 126.
             I think there is the basis for a good fantasy/horror thriller here but you need to carefully structure the script so it keeps the audience involved, raise the stakes, make it thrilling - give them more of a tangible threat along the way.



13 feature scripts, 2 short subjects. One sale, 4 options. Nothing filmed. Damn.

Currently rewriting another writer's SciFi script for an indie producer in L.A.
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