Everyday Superhero by Kristopher Hoffman - Short - A wounded man goes on to become a true hero. 6 pages - pdf, format

I kind of like the idea, but the script needs some major reworking. Lose all the camera directions. They are distracting. The girl who almost gets hit by theb us does not need to be the same actress we saw earlier. It would be better if she wasn't. Basically Frank is roaming the city looking for a chance to prove his worth, which is a cool idea. I think him dressing up as a superhero is pushing it a little too far. He shouldn't really be crazy, just depressed. Just some thoughts.

Hi Kristopher

I liked the idea of this and to be honest even though it was a struggle to read I enjoyed it.

A few pointers that I've learnt that could maybe improve this;

Keep all action in the present -

"Franks is standing at the window" -- "Frank stands at the window"

All of your action is in a passive tense. It speeds up the read and keeps your action lines shorter.

To trim down your action segments more, what I do is try to have every shot on a different line -

"A little girl is floating face down in a pool. The grill is
set up and smoking. Frank comes out carrying a tray of raw
hamburgers. He turns after he closes the door behind himself.
Seeing the girl in the pool he drops the tray and dives into
the pool, pulling her out."

"A little girl floats face down in a pool.

A grill smokes nearby.

Frank walks out with a tray of raw hamburgers. He closes the door and turns. Sees the girl.

He drops the tray and darts to the pool.

Dives in and pulls her out."

I just think that's easier to read. Plus it makes it easier for someone to picture the scene, when every shot is seperate. There are a few parts where I got confused.

When you say the hours pass, you're going to have to show that someway. Either cutting to early evening or with a super of "a few hours later". Otherwise the camera is going to have to be on him literally for hours, which I don't think is what you were wanting.

Nice idea and I'm guessing you're filming this so I won't whinge about the camera angles.

Ste

Well, right off the bat I noticed the scene heading: "INT. DAY." This isn't exactly, how do I say it, correct. Haha. No, honestly, if you used the correct formatting, the following could be shorter:


INT. DAY
Frank is standing at the window of a mental hospital, framed
in the window. He looks down from the window, looking at a
pool.

Half the length:

INT. MENTAL WARD - DAY
FRANK (45) stands at the window, looking out at the pool below.

See, it's much cleaner, tighter, and you don't end up saying the word "window" three different times in the same action lines. Next comes

EXT. DAY
THE CAMERA CUTS TO A CLOSE UP OF FRANK
Frank has tears streaming down his face as he looks at the
pool.

This can be easily added to the first. Cutting out "EXT. DAY," unnecessary "CUT TO:" and "THE CAMERA CUTS TO A," the script will once again come across much more solid. Try something like:

INT. MENTAL WARD - DAY

FRANK (45) stands at the window, looking out at t
he pool below.

C.U. - A single tear streams down his cheek.


The next "CUT TO:" is necessary, and well-placed. But a "-" between "POOLSIDE" and "DAY" will be a small feature to add to the solidarity of this format.

I will continue to critique when I finish reading the script.