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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    February, 2008 One Week Challenge  ›  Experimental Heroes - OWC
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  Author    Experimental Heroes - OWC  (currently 2871 views)
Don
Posted: February 24th, 2008, 11:07am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Experimental Heroes by Stephen Cameron - Short, Drama - Two men alone in a cell. What's the worst that can happen? - pdf, format


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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (3 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  March 8th, 2008, 4:07pm
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GM
Posted: February 24th, 2008, 1:51pm Report to Moderator
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I like the title. I like the tale. The characters seemed real. And I am aware of the page constraint that you could not develop this further. And it was written clearly and the tale flowed naturally. Overall, good job. Just do a rewrite after this competition is done.

Hope this helps,
Gabe
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mcornetto
Posted: February 24th, 2008, 1:58pm Report to Moderator
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That was a really neat idea.  I thought the action descriptions were done well and the way the story was laid out was pretty good too.  I think, however, that you need some work on your dialogue.  A lot of it was too on the nose.  Try to say what you want to say in your dialogue without blurting it out.

I am giving this a REWRITE.
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Soap Hands
Posted: February 24th, 2008, 2:13pm Report to Moderator
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Hey,

I didn't like this too much, but it was ok.

I think a lot of your dialog was too expositional and you were trying to get across a lot of stuff that wasn't that necessary. One line that stands out in my mind was the, "it was our anniversary, and you took that away from me". We already know he should be upset, this just came across as overly specific.

I'm not sure if this is the best way for this to be structured. You might have done it this way because of the page constraint but as it is I don't know if the reveal is as powerful as it could have been.

You also stopped labeling flashbacks as flashbacks. And if you were trying to convey the "2 days latter" thing to the audience you should superimpose it or something. This also came right before a flashback which was kind of confusing.

sheepwalker    
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Pete B. Lane
Posted: February 24th, 2008, 2:43pm Report to Moderator
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The good:

~I like the premise and the use of flashbacks to tell the story. Also, Jake's comeuppance was nice.

The bad (or not as good):

~I agree with mcornetto's "on the nose" comment.  The dialog is the weakest part of this script, IMO.

~"2 days Earlier" should be SUPER: "TWO DAYS EARLIER", since it's supposed to be seen on screen.

~Dave mentions that Jake is awaiting trial, but that doesn't make sense if he's in prison. A prison is for criminals who have already been convicted, not those awaiting trial. I think you have prison confused with jail. They're different. (And the setting for this OWC was a prison cell not a jail cell - I know, a nitpick, but I had to mention it).

This one needs a rewrite to really stand out, but the framework is there.

I'll give it a B-.



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Zack
Posted: February 24th, 2008, 2:45pm Report to Moderator
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I didn't like this one very much. Format was good for the most part, but I'm not going to go into the minor format issues.

The basic premise is solid. However, the execution is decent. But the believability of the whole thing ruined this for me. This read like a cheesy anime script to me. It was preachy and conversations drug on much longer then they needed to.

Also, the visual image of the 'crispy baby' was just hilarious. Sorry, but I really didn't enjoy this one.

I'll give it a D

~Zack~


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Zack  -  February 25th, 2008, 8:58pm
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Zombie Sean
Posted: February 24th, 2008, 4:13pm Report to Moderator
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This one was okay for me. I got confused with what were flashbacks and what weren't since you just stopped labeling them.

I got confused for why he was in prison in the first place. Because he blew up a building to stop terrorists?

The descriptions were good, but that's the only thing I liked about this script. The dialogue, like others said, didn't work for me. I got lost most of the time. Sorry.

Sean


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TheUsualSuspect
Posted: February 24th, 2008, 4:55pm Report to Moderator
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Like everyone else, it was a good idea. I liked how you presented it, but again the dialogue was indeed your weakest part.

I can see this being better if it were longer, so you should rewrite it so you're not restrained by length.

Good job.


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pwhitcroft
Posted: February 24th, 2008, 8:51pm Report to Moderator
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This moves well and is compelling. As other people have commented it is let down by seeming implausible.

And for my nit pick - In the coffee shop he should be sitting shielded by something if he knows the window is about to blow in. Why doesn’t he get killed?

Philip


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bert
Posted: February 25th, 2008, 1:51pm Report to Moderator
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I think I know who wrote this one, actually, though not many would recognize his style.

This one is ambitious, but goes wide left and misses the mark.  I think the complex narrative is compressed more than it should have been, and that is why some of the dialogue is too packed with exposition, coming off a bit flat.

Notably, Dave talks too much near the end, and I think it is out of character for Jake to apologize for what he has done.  Dave’s rage would be more powerful if it were expressed with fewer words.

I like the twist, and I like what the author is trying to accomplish with this story.  But sometimes you read these and can tell that the author would have benefited from additional time.  I think that is the case here.

OWC Score:  80%.


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mgj
Posted: February 25th, 2008, 2:29pm Report to Moderator
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As a concept I thought this was quite intriguing.  The whole issue with the scientists and the experiments gone wrong felt a little too sci-fi for me though.  Mainly, I think, because it wasn't necessary.  You could have just made him just some crazy radical and the story wouldn't have missed a beat.

The twist, when it came, was effective.  You played us along nicely.  The dialogue was a bit uneven, at times a little on the nose, other times it felt genuine.

-Mike


"If at first, the idea is not absurd, then there is no hope for it." - Albert Einstein
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James R
Posted: February 25th, 2008, 2:36pm Report to Moderator
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A good story idea. I liked the twist at the end, but like others have mentioned, it could have been more successful with a deeper set up.

The first line of dialogue bugged me and made me scrutinize the rest. The old "What are you in for?" line works best for prison, I think. Much of the dialogue is flat. I have to agree with Zack's comment that it read like an anime script (they're all cheesy, ha ha). I had to keep going back to the beginning to remember who was who (Dave and Jake).

The story was good, you knew right away something was up when Dave was taking a dump while they were talking. Good way to hint at the story while not giving it away.

James


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rc1107
Posted: February 25th, 2008, 3:43pm Report to Moderator
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The premise to this one for me was appealing and it is a pretty good story, but ultimately falls flat at a couple different points along the way.

The main thing that throws everything off is that... is Dave really a terrorist, since he's Jake's target?

If it's just an experiment, aren't the men Dave is talking to the people who are experimenting with Jake?  And they're the ones who told him to blow something up?  Seems to me Dave should have it in for them, if that's the case.  Maybe I have to reread this again just to make sure it isn't something that I missed.

It is a good idea and I really liked the writing, but I do think this one could definitely benefit from a rewrite later on.

- Mark


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ABennettWriter
Posted: February 25th, 2008, 4:05pm Report to Moderator
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I really didn't like it. I read it twice and I'm still not sure what happened. Even if Jake is crazy, he still needs a reason for going after Dave and I don't feel that your reason is good enough.

The most redeemable part was the twist. I didn't see it comin'.

There were also a lot of small formatting issues. It's okay not to have the time, but leaving a dash hanging like that's a little odd. You don't need the dash if there's no time.
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Dr. McPhearson
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Quoted from James R
A good story idea. I liked the twist at the end, but like others have mentioned, it could have been more successful with a deeper set up.

The first line of dialogue bugged me and made me scrutinize the rest. The old "What are you in for?" line works best for prison, I think. Much of the dialogue is flat. I have to agree with Zack's comment that it read like an anime script (they're all cheesy, ha ha). I had to keep going back to the beginning to remember who was who (Dave and Jake).

The story was good, you knew right away something was up when Dave was taking a dump while they were talking. Good way to hint at the story while not giving it away.

James


I have to say, that post also put my opinion perfectly. Very interesting story idea, but the lack of depth really didn't work well. Also, the dialogue is almost cardboard in times, and moves so fast that it throws reality out the window in exchange for cutting to the chase. Example:


JAKE
Those wounds look fresh.

DAVE
They do? I hadn't noticed.

JAKE
Who are you really?

DAVE
Your target.


Honestly, the jump from "I hadn't noticed" to "who are you really" doesn't even make sense to me. Two separate subjects in a span of a second. Try to link that; the dialogue fails to feel very tightened.

Much of the dialogue is blunt and cheesy, such as:


DAVE
You can never be sorry because you're sick. The real reason you're in here is because you're a terrorist...


No offense meant by it, but I found lines like that almost laughable (God knows I've wrote of few of these kind of 'gems' myself).

In the end, I really want to see this rewritten and expanded. It added a revenge plot in a Hostel-esque (paying to kill someone) theme.

Great story. Work and tighten the dialogue, please.

P.S. - Great title, by the way.




PLEASE review my first SimplyScripts submission....

Re-Right (short comedy)
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