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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    February, 2008 One Week Challenge  ›  I Dream of Freedom - OWC
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  Author    I Dream of Freedom - OWC  (currently 3556 views)
Don
Posted: February 25th, 2008, 6:24pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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I Dream Of Freedom by Joel Gomes - Short, Drama - A man lost in the city. Two men chasing him. A dream of freedom that ends bad. - doc, format


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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

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Don  -  March 8th, 2008, 4:03pm
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Pete B. Lane
Posted: February 25th, 2008, 8:37pm Report to Moderator
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What is this? Is this a serious entry? Three pages. It's almost insulting to all the other writers. Actually, I'm a bit surprised Don let this one through.

I don't mean to be cruel, but this "script" fails in every way. I have to five it an F, and I really didn't expect to do that.

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Zack
Posted: February 25th, 2008, 8:50pm Report to Moderator
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Don't get it right. Get it written.

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Well Pete, I think your review was a bit harsh.

This wasn't a great script by any means, but it was a drama and it did stick to the theme. It was also formated correctly.

For you(Pete) to say that this script fails is completely unfair. At least the writer made an attempt.

However, this was extremely predictable, and the ending is very cliche.

Also, I think this is the shortest OWC script ever. My review is nearly as long as the script! You had 12 pages to use.

Overall, I'd give this a D. But I'll also give you a pat on the back and thank you for participating.

Good luck in the future.

~Zack~


MY RATING SYSTEM

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bert
Posted: February 25th, 2008, 9:17pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Zack
Well Pete, I think your review was a bit harsh.

Also, I think this is the shortest OWC script ever.


How about that, Zack?  Here I am backing you up.  Doesn't happen all that often, but here it is haha.

It is about quality, Pete, not quantity.

Helio has submitted a one-page script, and I, myself, have submitted a three-pager for a past OWC on a lark.

Having said that -- yes, the story is lacking in several aspects -- most notably...erm...in the story.  There is only time to hit a single note with this piece, and it is a very familiar one.

The generic, nameless characters combine with the generic, nameless streets to create a story without resonance, I'm afraid.

To pull off something this short, you need a more powerful message to deliver.

OWC Score: 30%  


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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Pete B. Lane
Posted: February 25th, 2008, 9:17pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Zack
...At least the writer made an attempt.


But did s/he? An attempt was made at coming up with an idea, but the attempt at actually executing it was pretty feeble, right? C'mon, 3 pages? Yes, the script was formatted okay, and what was there was written competently, but doesn't that show the writer was capable of so much more?


Quoted Text
...But I'll also give you a pat on the back and thank you for participating.


And I'd give him a smack up side the head and ask "What were you thinking?

Keep in mind, if a kid wrote this, I am being too harsh.

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BryMo
Posted: February 25th, 2008, 9:22pm Report to Moderator
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This was too generic..

To make this better i'd offer this--
1. maybe add a time perdiod. Jazz era, 1980's, new york gang ways, etc. i say this because when you tell a story, its good to go into specifics. Specific things that take a further in it being different. And if you want to be a screenwriter, i think its your t job to be different from everyone else and make it the best and most detailed you can.

You have some random guy at a random place being chased by two random people. Then waking up in some random bed in some random prison.

I make a statement stating "obviously your new" becuase i dont want to offend. But this would be good if you had specifics.. Thats why other stories here can be near 10 to 12 pages. Add specifics...

And just be you.

Good luck with everything.

-bryan.



EDIT: Wow pete you were harsh. I thought this was a place for newcomers too.


Shorts:
Good Golly Miss Molly
No Place Like Home
New Moon Rising
Yuno - BRAND-*SPANKIN*-NEW!
The Ballad of Uncle Sam: An Anarchists Melody
Toy Soldier
This Modern Love
A Virgin State of Mind

A GUIDE TO MY LITERARY BABIES
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Pete B. Lane
Posted: February 25th, 2008, 9:24pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from bert
It is about quality, Pete, not quantitiy.


I agree. What really bothers me is that this just seems like a throw-away idea that the writer tossed together. As I stated above, it seems the writer was capable of more. That why I was so harsh.

I stand by my F.

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Pete B. Lane  -  February 25th, 2008, 9:37pm
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pwhitcroft
Posted: February 25th, 2008, 9:30pm Report to Moderator
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It’s distracting that the central MAN is not formally introduced even if he is going to be just MAN. Cute, but you’re either busy or lazy.

Philip


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James McClung
Posted: February 25th, 2008, 9:35pm Report to Moderator
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I love how at what is essentially the climax of your story, I had to scroll down an entire blank page to find out what happens. I can't say I was on the edge of my seat but still... not cool. I still don't understand how this ends up happening. This isn't the first script I've read with a big fat gap in the middle. Not that it's really escusable under any circumstances but in a script this short... no, just no.

Anyway, I've seen a guy get chased into a dead end alley plenty of times. Nothing new here. As for the whole "it was just a dream" scenario, I actually laughed at the end. The whole thing just seemed so pointless. This is a good thing though. Usually this scenario leaves a very bad taste in my mouth.

I'll give you two points for the amount of pages in your script. At least it was easy to read. Other than that, this isn't the worst script I've ever read but you haven't got much here. I say no dice. Sorry.


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Pete B. Lane
Posted: February 25th, 2008, 9:36pm Report to Moderator
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I fear my comments are being misinterpreted (it's my fault though).

I was harsh, but compared to other scripts, this one falls far short of the others. What I don't see is the effort made to make this a good script. Of course, I did mention the length, but that's not really the issue. It's what could have been done with this idea - but wasn't - that rubs me the wrong way.
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BPeterson
Posted: February 25th, 2008, 9:48pm Report to Moderator
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hmmm
I basically just got to echo everyone else here. Not the worst thing ever but painfully mediocre. There's also a few spelling and formatting errors which could be excused easily if this wasn't two and a half pages...

can't complain though, you technically met the genre and theme
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chism
Posted: February 26th, 2008, 4:07am Report to Moderator
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I don’t have much to say here. There isn’t really enough script to properly review and everyone else has pretty much said it all. Good formatting, noticed a few spelling errors and what not, but those are minor. You also stuck to the theme/genre pretty well.

It is what it is. Not a bad effort, though a bit of a wasted opportunity. Could have done a lot with the dream idea, but as it stands, its not terrible.


Matt.
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Zombie Sean
Posted: February 27th, 2008, 6:05pm Report to Moderator
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Man this was short. And clichéd. And actually alright. I liked it. Though the ending was weak and I didn't like the part where he comes to a dead end. Too overdone.

Sean


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ABennettWriter
Posted: February 27th, 2008, 6:31pm Report to Moderator
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I hate coming into these things late because it seems like I'm copying everyone.

Which I am.

I don't disagree with any of these comments. It's too short, too cliched, and too vague.

We're supposed to care about your protagonist, but you haven't given us any reason to care. Sure, he says he's innocent, but what crook admits to being a crook?

Next time, put more energy into your story. Give us a character we can care about.
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stebrown
Posted: February 28th, 2008, 7:49am Report to Moderator
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I have to back Pete up here really. There's no story to this and really not much of an idea either. A man in prison has a dream about being chased, so? I think this was someone who just wanted to enter and couldn't be bothered to spend too much time on it or didn't like the theme/genre and this is his protest.
The amount of spelling mistakes means I don't have to say anything positive.


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