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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    February, 2008 One Week Challenge  ›  Flipped - OWC
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  Author    Flipped - OWC  (currently 4237 views)
Don
Posted: February 25th, 2008, 7:09pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Flipped by B. Peterson - Short, Drama - Two graffiti writers, incarcerated for violent crimes, reminisce. - pdf, format


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Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  March 8th, 2008, 3:57pm
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stebrown
Posted: February 27th, 2008, 1:35pm Report to Moderator
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****spoilers****





This is one of my favourites. Very, very quick read and I never saw the twist coming. I was thinking it was all getting a bit too cosy then "that's not your tag" was said and I realised what was going on. Maybe some others will realise the twist sooner cos I'm never good at that.
The dialogue is very good and the descriptions paint the picture well. One or two spelling mistakes but that doesn't really bother me.
Excellent job and I'd say the winner of the scripts based in a brick, real life prison cell.


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chism
Posted: February 27th, 2008, 7:50pm Report to Moderator
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This one was really good, a nice fast, sharp and enjoyable read. Youíre formatting is excellent and the dialogue flows really nicely. All of the prison and graffiti jargon added texture and layering. The twist at the end was totally unexpected, I really didnít see it coming at all and it was very enjoyable. Even though itís another revenge story (there have been quite a few in this exercise) this one is probably the best-written of the oneís Iíve read.

I donít really have any complaints. You used the time well and crafted an excellent and enjoyable short. Really great work.


Matt.
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pwhitcroft
Posted: February 28th, 2008, 1:18pm Report to Moderator
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This is good. The theme is a popular one but this is a good run at it.

For some reason I actually liked Clint so I donít know that I liked the big twist. It feels like the twist comes from nowhere. It might be a little easier to go with if there is some hint of it earlier on (maybe I missed the hints!).

Philip


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mcornetto
Posted: February 28th, 2008, 2:48pm Report to Moderator
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Not bad, good dialogue, real feel to the characters.  It certainly met the OWC brief. The only real criticism I have for it is that it seemed to try to stretch out a bit by adding the Reggie character because he doesn't really further the story as far as I can see.

I would give this an OPTION.
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Zombie Sean
Posted: February 28th, 2008, 7:11pm Report to Moderator
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I think this is my favorite out of the all I've read so far. The characters seemed real, the descriptions were good, and everything was evenly paced. The twist was great, and I didn't see it coming, so stebrown, you're not the only one.

One thing that I sort of didn't like was the character of Reggie. I forgot who he was at the end of the script, and when I saw his name, I was wondering why it wasn't capitalized. Then I remembered he was at the beginning of the script. So, basically, I don't find him really that important of a character until the end.

Sean


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Dr. McPhearson
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I agree with Sean that Reggie's character wasn't instrumental to the piece, but I did appreciate his reappearance in the closing scene. It allowed the imagination to wander, as to whether Marco was going to give this punk his just deserve too.

Even though this script was certainly satisfactory, I'm very surprised that it is so many people's favorite. True, the structure and format work well; as far as the plot goes, however, it really wasn't anything unique. Think about it:

The opening scene shows a prisoner newly-arrived. He's stuck into a cell with someone who, eventually, befriends him in a sense. They share their conviction stories. Something happens. One of them dies.

I know it isn't fair to simplify it so much, but in essence that's exactly what it is. Flashbacks show the men outside of prison, perhaps even committing the crimes that got them here in the first place. The twist in the end worked, though, again, it was very similar to Experimental Heroes in its avenging style.

Without the imagery of Redeemer, but with more substances than, say, Forsaken Seas, I would say that it is, at least right now, in my Top 3, despite the fact that, for me at least, the plot wasn't all that unique.


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Re-Right (short comedy)
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bert
Posted: March 1st, 2008, 11:39am Report to Moderator
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I liked this one for many reasons, but also had some complaints with it.  Setting it in the world of the taggers helps it to feel fresh, and many of the terms here were new to me.  Whether you found these phrases on the internet or through other sources, much of the dialogue here sounded real and lent the piece an authenticity that many of these stories lack.

I find that many of my complaints with this story are actually quite specific for a change.

The opening scene where Marco pulls money from his gullet is silly, and really serves no purpose, even if this is intended as some sort of bribe, which is never made clear.  Why not simply have Marco retrieve the tainted coke later in the cell by these same means, and then have all of the events here occur in a single night?  

I think a single-night scenario would really strengthen this, and you can do that, because the character of Reggie also serves no real purpose.  You do bring him back briefly in the end, but then having Marco threaten to kill him -- for no real transgression -- cheapens Marco's character.

And while much of the dialogue was quite good, two specific passages hurt my ears.  I did not care for Marco's passage at the end, turning his brother into a saint.  The jealousy angle is fine, but the volunteering for the church stuff seemed out of place.

The second dialogue transgression occurs when Marco offers Clint the ill-fated coke, to which he responds, "Yes, please".  Haha.  That was so out of character I actually laughed.  Please give Clint a line more akin to "Fuck yeah!" or something.

One of the better entries, but with enough potholes to hold it back just a bit from the top spots.

OWC Score:  85%


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Blakkwolfe
Posted: March 2nd, 2008, 11:50am Report to Moderator
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Good job. Shows some research on the topic of tagging and the guys that do it. Good characters and the plot moved along well...I don't know why Marco had to pull up his string of money while walking to the cell (that would be really disgusting to film)Why? For a bribe? I'd imagine the guard taking it and holding it like a dirty diaper "Gullet cash?"...What was in his sock? Poisoned cocaine?...Imagine Clint might have known right away that something wasn't right with it... Well written, gritty, a very good short.


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James R
Posted: March 3rd, 2008, 4:31pm Report to Moderator
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The opening description made me laugh because I thought maybe the shoes were walking along without feet in them. That would have been hilarious.

I also wondered about the beginning when Marco pulled the cash out. I never found the purpose in it. Or the Reggie character. Or why you decided to have Clint help Marco out. You could have made him more of an a** so that we would hate him more.

pp. 6 "Could of" should be "Could have"
pp. 8 "I use to" should be "I used to"
pp. 11 "What to see my tag?"

A great idea, though it could have been shortened a bit to make more of an impact.

And the "Yes, please" line had me laughing as well. I thought of Austin Powers (reading a form "Sex: yes please").

James


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Takeshi
Posted: March 3rd, 2008, 9:37pm Report to Moderator
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This was a good tight script. I enjoyed the story and I didn't see the twist coming at all. The dialogue seemed authentic and having taggers for prisoners was a nice change from the usual fare.

You stuck to the theme and genre and nailed the page count, so kudos for that. My only criticism would be of the opening scene with the money down the throat. I was little confused about what was going on and at first I didnít think it was necessary, but then again, if you didnít have it people would say that it was a little bit too convenient that Marco just happened to end up in the same cell as Clint. So I guess you did the right thing. However, if you wanted to rewrite the opening scene and make it a bit more obvious that Marco is paying to be in that cell, you could have him say that he wants that particular cell because it has a window or something.

I also thought it was interesting that Marco tagged the wall with a piece of soap; I didn't know you could do that, but I'll take your word for it.  As for Reggie, I disagree with a previous reviewerís call to lose him. I think he's necessary to the story because he adds an interesting element and Marco's exchange with him at the end was a nice way to tie it all up.

Well done.  
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Old Time Wesley
Posted: March 3rd, 2008, 9:42pm Report to Moderator
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This is probably my second favorite simply because it involves a unique and original subject that not to many scripts cover.

The writing and descriptions are good. The characters are believable and written well. I liked the story as it evolved.

Okay, so here's what I didn't like.

The scene with the couple was weird. Take out the part where he shoots them in the leg and just have him say it. Then the fact that the couple has no real point in this story which makes the scene pointless as you have him murder someone later.

The final line "You're next fish" was silly and just does not work.

Otherwise I enjoyed this.


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BPeterson
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hola all!
I'm the author of this entry. Thanks to everyone who took the time out to read this and give me some great criticism. I don't want to defend this entry, i'll be the first to say it's flawed but I just wanted to add some notes.

This was my first OWC entry and my first short screenplay. I'm more used to features where I can dabble and draw things out. It was hard to stay under twelve pages.
My main goal with this OWC was to tighten up my formatting and aside from some small errors, I feel like I got everything I wanted out of it. This story, as it shows, was more secondary. I wanted to do something very simple, that's why not much happens. I wrote the first thing that popped in my head and I didn't realize until the first batch of screenplays went up that revenge would be such a popular topic. It seemed so obvious in hindsight but oh well. I'm not a competitive person, I wasn't out to win.

anyways, as for the graffiti stuff and 'research', I am an ex-tagger and have seen friends throw alot away for this addiction. I have a 'pet project' that I have been writing for awhile that is a more realistic look at the graff culture. All the slang in 'Flipped' is common and basic terms.
'Flip' is when a tagger crosses another tagger's name out.
'Get up' means the person vandalizes alot, possibly every night.
To 'bomb' just means to go out and paint.  

I was afraid of including it because I didn't want to make it too confusing for anyone but I'm glad I did.

Putting taggers in prison seemed like the easiest thing to write off the top of my head because:
A) i had been writing this other script about graffiti and:
B) taggers/writers/vandals who are seriously into the graffiti culture have a 'code' of conduct which isn't much different then the prisoner 'code'

If I did a rewrite, the first thing to go would be the 'cash down the throat' part. I don't know why I let it go, I didn't like it from the get go. The point of this transaction was to foreshadow a little that something wasn't quite right with Marco. As Chris pointed out, I didn't want to make it too convenient that he got a cell with Clint.
I needed a way to get money from Marco to the guard and I had remembered something from a book I read a few years back about prisons. Incoming inmates would sometimes wrap up small amounts of something (drugs, gullet cash , etc.)
in a condom and tie it up with thin string or fishing line. The point of this is that sometimes when doing searches in processing, a guard may not see the thin string between the gums and cheek. As for cleanliness, money is dirty anyways. I'm personally not above taking a few hundred bucks from the inside of an unused condom. Does this way of sneaking things in work? I doubt it but it was a random nugget of information I decided to throw in and now regret it.

Then there was Reggie. If I do a rewrite I actually wouldn't cut Reggie out, I'd do the opposite and flesh his character out more. The whole point of Reggie is that he's an 'icebreaker' for Clint and Marco. In prison, inmates don't get nosey. It's part of the prison code, everyone minds their own business. Marco is seen as scrawny but that doesn't stop him from running his mouth. He starts to get bullied a little by Reggie and Clint decides to intervene. I didn't get a chance to go into detail why he helps but I figured he's gonna be sharing a cell with this guy and maybe even thinks they may have something in common. After Marco acts ungrateful, Clint sets him straight and they open up. The last scene with Reggie is there to show Marco is still the same scrawny guy with a big mouth but now he's killed somebody. He wants to start the rumor of what happened in order to protect himself from anyone else who wants to mess with him.  

The scene with the couple getting shot is just Clint explaining what he's in prison for. He never got caught for killing Marco's brother. With this scene , I was just trying to show a little more of Clint's character. He's cold hearted and likes to boast about it but he's also envious. I also wish I would have had a second flashback about Marco's brother's murder. The story Clint tells is suppose to be fake but I only hint at it at the end. I would've liked to show another version where what really happens is shown. As for the infamous "Yes please" line, I wanted him to say it with the attitude of "fuck yeah" but with sarcasm. This is just the case of a line sounding better in a writer's head then everyone elses'.

I can't believe I wrote "What to see my tag?". Thanks for pointing that blunder out, James. Good looking. I was like 'how the hell did I miss that?' That's what happens when you write mostly to curb your insomnia.

The thing I want to change the most is Marco's final speech about his brother. It was rushed and I never polished it. I wasn't trying to make a saint out of his brother but I wanted to show him as very different from Clint. The church stuff is based on some friends of mine who went to jail for graffiti and after they got out, they started working with churches and volunteering to use their art for something positive for once.  

Alright, enough rambling. Thanks to everyone again who read this. Thanks for any praise or fair criticisms. Like I said, this was my first OWC and I can't wait to do this all over again.
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