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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  Nicky Bats Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: April 5th, 2008, 7:44am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Nicky Bats by Brandon Vega  - Drama, Mob, Romance -  After a lifetime of abandonment and rejection, hitman Nicky Bats wonders if even the girl of his dreams will take care of his fragile heart. 106 pages - pdf, format


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bwdial
Posted: May 16th, 2008, 2:31pm Report to Moderator
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I'll start with the negative... of which there's not much.
Some of the dialogue is a little too 'on the nose'.  It's not too bad, but there are a few places where there's a little too much dialogue... four lines when two would be plenty.
Also, some of the slug lines need to be corrected.  
There are places where they read:
INT. BACK IN NICKY'S CAR - NIGHT
That should simply be:
INT. NICKY'S CAR - NIGHT (PRESENT)
You don't really even need to say present, but if you think it makes it clearer, there's nothing wrong with it.

Also, there are a few spots where parentheticals need to be sorted out.  Some of them that are simply (beat) should be eliminated altogether, but there are areas where they appear like this:

                        NICKY
Talking about himself to Janet, but not about
what he does. (beat) Talks about not really
knowing much about his family.

They should look like this:

                        NICKY
I'm a loner.  I like to watch movies alone.
          (sip of wine)
Havin' a girl there distracts me.

Also, just a few technicalaties...
A .38 revolver can't be silenced since the chamber is open.  Only automatics can be silenced.
They can't watch a sunrise over the ocean in California... only the sunset.

As for the positives, I really liked the story... and not just because I'm working on something similar.  It moved along well and there were a lot of moments that revealed character traits without bogging the story down.  
One thing that you might want to change is the scene where young Nicky sits with Paolo.  I felt like it gave too much of the story away.  I thought it was his dad, but I felt like it kind of gave things away too early.  I did like the ambiguity of the family ties.  Reminded me of Chinatown.  Maybe add a little something with the other guys watching Janet could punch up the sense of danger for her as far as the audience is concerned.
I also liked the way you dealt with the who, how and why.  He's a mafia hitman.  You dealt with it in a matter of fact way.  I've seen too many screenplays where the main character is in some sort of double secret hitman society or where they sign contracts like they're buying a piece of property or a new car.  You handled it in a very believable way that didn't pull me out of the story with a "what the heck... they wouldn't do that" moment/
Overall, an excellent script.
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rollerp
Posted: April 17th, 2009, 8:22pm Report to Moderator
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Brandon, I'm new to the boards but of the scripts I've read, yours is *well* above average.  A pleasure to read.  Even if I wasn't bored out of my mind while sitting on the back side of my body clock in a hotel in Khazakstan (no kidding), I would have read all of "Nicky Bats" in one sitting.  Something I only do if the script really grabs me.

I haven't posted a script yet because in lurking this site I've learned that I need to be blooded first, and that means reading and offering .02 cents on others' scripts.  Yours is the first I've commented on.  I hope you don't mind that it is pretty detailed, only because the vast majority of my comments fall under the "cleaning up" category and serve only to make it more reader ready.  And I also hope I get to read more scripts this good.

Let me start by saying I agree with most of bwdial's comments.  He/she really has an eye for writing.

--I counted almost 70 BEATS in your dialogue.  You probably could have gotten by with 5 or less.  A more natural and less distracting technique of inserting a BEAT would be to either parenthetic an action in the middle of the dialogue, as bwdial had suggested.  Or add another line of action between dialogue.  To use bwdial's example:
              
                                    NICKY
                     I like to watch movies alone.

Nicky sips his wine, avoids Janet's growing smile.

                                    NICKY
                     Havin' a girl there distracts me.

Sure, this will add some pages, but in other examples you'd be able to add some character insight/pertinent info without the distraction of BEAT mid-dialogue.

An even better example is on pg. 22 when you write, "The Don excitedly looks off in the distance." before he continues his dialogue, "You really surprised us, Nicky."

--Recheck your sluglines.  A few of them need cleaning up.

--On pages 23, 40, 56 you have parenthetical action ending dialogue and preceding a slug.  You might want to either put the parenthitical info under the character name or add it as a line of action as you transition to a new slug.

--There were a few typos.  Some of them were added spaces between words, which might have been caused in the upload process.  But there are several dealing with possession, ie. missing "s" and apostrophes.  Might want to double check those before sending it off to readers.

Ex: Page 9  -- Need Paolo's instead of Paolos.
     Page 35 -- Need family's instead of families'
     Page 83 -- Need he'd instead of he (Top of page in Nicky's V.O.)

You get the idea.  There are maybe four or five other places where this occurs.  Like I said at the beginning, minor stuff and easily overlooked after the umpteenth draft.  haha.  

--There are a few places where you as the writer "tell" us in the action words of your script who or what somebody is instead of letting the audience "see" it.  Remember, telling the reader something doesn't translate to the camera.  Examples:

Pg. 3 -- You tell us Lisa is Nicky's girlfriend rather than let the audience figure it out by the conversation he has on the cell with her.

pg. 6 -- You "tell" us Freddie Demarco is a former mob member.  Either somehow let us see it, or tell us in Nicky's V.O.

pg. 13 -- You write, "Nicky hopes she can't see his legs shaking."  The audience won't know what he hopes.
Also, you "tell" us Nicky is a long time Laker fan.

There are a few other places where you do this.  If you want me to show you the ones I saw, let me know.  I don't want my comments to be as long as a script.  Haha.  An example where you effectively handled the "telling" is on page 82, where Nicky's V.O. gives a great description of Mario Ricci.  Well done and I could picture it as written on the big screen.

An even better example is how you let the audience figure out Ron is a cop by his comment about arresting people.  You didn't tell us, you let Ron tell us through natural and believable dialogue.  Caught me by surprise when I read it.  

--Pgs. 33, 81, 83, 96, 98, 105, 106 you use the number 2 or 3 instead of writing it out as two or three.

Again I agree with bwdial and commend you on the way you low-keyed the hitman aspect.  You made a bad man likable.  Not easy to do.  I especially liked the scene where Nicky decides not to kill Glenn.  It showed a softer, human side of a stone cold killer.  A "Saved the Cat" moment to borrow a phrase from Blake Snyder.

--Two places where I was a little confused (not difficult to do) and had to reread:

pg. 4 -- Nicky and Frankie talk for the first time but Frankie's name is never mentioned.  Then on page 7 Don Roma says Frankie's name when Frankie appears on the home movie.  Unless the young Frankie looks a lot like the Frankie we just saw in Denny's, the reader/audience are going to wonder who Frankie is.

pg. 99 Nicky's dialogue, "What the hell's he doing.  Something's not right," confuses me.  I wasn't sure who Nicky was talking about.  I assumed after reading further, that Nicky was talking about Paolo and not Charlie, which is whom it seemed like he was talking to at first read.

--One time lapse concern: On pg. 68 you write that Janet has been watching Nicky from a store's exit, and then all of a sudden she's sitting next to Nicky.  We don't know that she's been watching Nicky unless you show us.  And if you meant to write it showing her watching, you probably want another slug coming back to Nicky as she sits down with him.  This way it translates better to the camera.

The only big suggestion I might make to crank up some tension is to show Janet in danger after she finds out what Nicky does for a living.  Maybe she makes Frankie more nervous.  I don't know, just a suggestion.  

Okay, sorry for the novel.  All of the above suggestions are meant totally constructively, since the plot, writing and story far outweigh anything negative I could say.

Other positives:--Loved the dialogue.  Even where others might think a few (very few) words might be considered on the nose, you developed the characters so well that I could see them speaking those words in their own quirky way.  Good job making each character sound different and identifiable.

Good job connecting certain scenes/aspects throughout the story, i.e., the hands shaking (or not), the hit on Jerry coming back to haunt Janet and Nicky.

Excellent script
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