Grey by Alexander J - Short, Sci-Fi - A group of college students go searching for extraterrestrial life; they are found instead.  11 pages - pdf, format

Hi Alexander,

Interesting script, I'm a sucker for alien/ UFO/abduction tales. This was pretty straightforward, the students go looking for a UFO and surely find one. But the ending was flat, for me.

Derrick was the least vocal of all the characters here, he was obviously distrurbed by what he had seen before, and in the end we see the toll it's taken. He's haunted, obsessed now and has been tagged by the Greys with the implant.

I love the final image, the reflection of Derrick sitting there as the Grey sildes it hands over him. But the story just isn't there it seems. Here's the story outline as I see it:

1:The students go looking for a UFO, a few of them having seen one previously .

2:An alien ship finds them and spotlights Derrick.

3:A year later, Derrick is damaged by the encounter and we see the Grey come for him again.

There's no real drama however aside from the encounter with the UFO. It arrives and later, Derrick is taken again and again by the aliens. There's no real surprise or conclusion.  

Your thoughts?

I was thinking the same thing as mikep. Did his friends die or were they abducted too? If his friends did die, why was he spared. You also describe Derrick as lifeless when the trucker finds him. Lifeless would tell me that he's dead, but he's not. I would suggest another adjective.

Quoted from Pants I was thinking the same thing as mikep. Did his friends die or were they abducted too? If his friends did die, why was he spared. You also describe Derrick as lifeless when the trucker finds him. Lifeless would tell me that he's dead, but he's not. I would suggest another adjective.

Cool guys, thanks for the feedback. I wrote this script for a friend who wants to make it at USC. His instructions were, "make it easy [and cheap] to film and eerie." I took a liking to SIGNS and pulled from X-FILES believing that what is truly scary is not what you see, but what you can't see.

In my opinion, this script does come off as flat, but it's one of those scripts that truly comes alive when it's put onto the screen.

The entire 3rd act of the movie in Derrick's apartment is supposed to be very eerie and quiet, like some of us, sitting in the dark on our computers. What lurks around in the bedroom and appears only as blurs and apparitions is there to make the hair stand up on the back of your neck.

Good luck with it. I'd like to see the finished product.

'lo Alexander,

The script is almost a little too straight forward.  They go looking for aliens - they find aliens.  Then a tacked on bit at the ending that seemed out of place.  There really were no thrilling moments or moments of wonder, two things I think belong in any sci-fi/aliens movie.  

Also, the character's were a bit flat because you introduce them all together which made them indistinct from each other.  It would be better to build up slowly, introducing one or two at a time, on their way to meet the aliens.  It'd give you more time to build the character's personality so that we care about them.  It would also let you develop how each feels about aliens or being abducted by aliens.  They could discuss if they think aliens are peaceful or wicked creatures, or just a part of scientology.  This would also build up suspense, something a little lacking in the current script.  

Overall, a good effort.  It just needs more suspense, wonder, and character development.  It is almost there.

Dethan