Alternate Intentions by Marc Reeves, Jr. - Drama, Crime, Gangster - One man's life experience explaining his inevitable battle with following in his father's footsteps of crime and the devasting toll his decisions have on the ones closest to him. 113 pages - pdf, format

Looking for feedback...I know it is long but it was initially written as a 'production script'...  I did create a 'spec script' for those who are interested in reading a shorter version...

A shorter version would be excellent.

I'm reading the first few pages they're waaaaaaaay too detailed. Do you plan on filming this yourself? If so, that's fine. If you want to try and sell this, you're setting yourself up for disaster.

Almost every action on the first page either tells the director how to do his job or it describes something that can't be filmed.

Those are two big No-Nos in screenwriting.

Why is everything in a different color? Everything should be black. (Of course, if you're filming this yourself, it's fine.)

This is like some weird byproduct of a treatment and a screenplay and it's most definitely the weirdest thing I've ever read. I'm sure it's a fantastic story, but this script is so clogged with unneeded description that you couldn't find one if you tried.

Thank you so much for that feedback.  The corrections will be made in the spec script.  Does this site allow you to repost an edited script?  

I haven't quite made the decision whether I'll go the independent route or try to sell it.  Although, I have started the editing process to convert this material into a 'spec script' just in case I do decide to sell it.  

The color coordination is in place and separate by the gender of the character speaking in the dialogue.  As this script was initially written as a 'production script', there is dialogue spoken by 'no name' characters, in which I felt their gender should be defined to the reader...  That color coodination has been taken out of the 'spec script'.  

Thank you again for your feedback, and please don't hesitate to post more feedback as you feel necessary.  

"Does this site allow you to repost an edited script?"

Yes. Upload the second draft just like you did the first time, but write "Second Draft" in the Comments box.

I've never seen a shooting script that uses different color fonts. Colored pages, yes. Fonts, no.

I'm curious as to why you felt you needed to include so much material. Looking over your first page, most of it's un, but as it's written, it's useless. I copied your first page (up to the dialogue) onto a Word document. There were 382 words. When I rewrote it the standard, and accepted way, I used 79 words. I cut 300 words off your first page. What does that tell you?

Quoted from My First Page EXT. ABANDONED BUILDING – NIGHT As the black vehicle turns right at the corner, two gun shots ring out and echo against the surrounding buildings. NICK breaks through a high window from the abandoned building, and falls to the pavement. His legs break on impact. FADE TO BLACK FADE IN: NIGHT SKY We turn to the left and see a brick wall. We turn to the right and see nothing. Then - Dull blue and red flashing lights and sirens.

Screenplays must be short and precise. We don't have room to describe every little detail. As screenwriters, we must only write what's important to the plot. That's all we care about. If we can't show it visually on the screen, it must be cut.

I suggest you buy, or borrow, two books. Screenplay by Syd Field and A Screenwriter's Bible by David Trottier are two excellent books. Field's book covers concepts (character, story, dialogue, etc) while Trottier's book is squarely a format (sluglines, transitions, etc) book. There are a ton of examples for any formatting issue you'll have.

I guess it's good that you overwrote this script. It's a lot easier to cut than add.

I sincerely apologize if this post comes across as anything but helpful. It's not my place to tell you how to write your script. Write it the way you want to, but understand that if you send your script to a Hollywood producer, it will not be read, much less produced.

Hello, Andrew. I hope you don't mind me lending my input. I'm a young writer but I do have some knowledge on the screenwriting field.

You have to understand that each single page in a script must be equal to (roughly) one minute of screen-time. This means that, for example, if you spend three paragraphs describing a landscape, or a character, or anything else for that matter; you're throwing away about 20-30 valuable seconds of screen-time on something that could be shot with a camera in five seconds. Remember, movies revolve around action. This is why your sentences and descriptions must be short. Not necessarily "bare-bones", just short and concise.

I hope you understand what I'm saying. Sometimes, I have a little trouble explaining stuff.

As for spec scripts--those are scripts that are written outside of a studio. Any script that is not affiliated with a company and is your own private work could be considered a spec script. Generally, spec scripts only use camera angles and directions when it is ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY. Spec-scripts should be as close to a pure story as possible. But keep in mind that although camera directions in spec scripts are generally frowned upon, it does not mean that you cannot write them. Everyone chooses to write how he/she wants. There are no established rules when it comes to screenwriting (except for the text formatting), despite what some may believe. I still would not recommend using them though, because scripts littered with camera directions can be difficult to read and some readers might lose interest in it.

With production scripts, however, camera angles and other such technicalities can be safely included. Your script is not a story anymore--it is a tool that's gonna be used to make an awesome movie.



--Julio

Quoted from Andrew Hey AB, I found your post very informative from a neutrals point of view. Could you please (for the novice) highlight the fundamental differences between the 'spec script' and 'production script' - I assume the 'production script' is more detailed with directorial pointers? I could be missing the point though. Also, you said "If we can't show it visually on the screen, it must be cut." Again, apologies for being dumb here, but, I don't really understand this? Are you saying that it is really only the job of the screenwriter to give the bare bones, and crucial story tenets? It's just the mention of the screen has thrown me a little, I think.

J Gomez and AB gave excellent feedback that needs to be considered when revising this. The script would really be maybe 20 or more pages shorter if the unneeded verbiage is cut down. One constant I noticed later in the script is a use of :

Doug says /  Nick Interrupts / He speaks / She speaks .... we don't need this. The character slugs and dialogue let us know they're speaking.  

And yes, as stated above - the main thing is you'll "telling not showing". The majority of your descriptions are things the director and actors would decide and implement.

Check out other scripts here, the ones with lots of replies, see the economy of words.

The problem with your examples is that emotions, the way they're described, can't be seen. Facial expressions can, which makes your second statement a little more suitable. Not by much, though.

Honestly, let the professionals write production scripts. I have no idea how to write one. I've never had to.

As an amateur, all I can do is write a kick ass speculation script. That means that I can only speculate that it'll be bought by a studio. No one is paying me to write the script.

I'd stick with just writing spec scripts. Focus on story, not on how to make a movie.

From what I remember reading, it was really good and it'll make a great script. You just need to realize that less is more.

I can't wait to read the newest version. Aim for your script to be around 110 pages. The max used to be 120, but not anymore.

The reason you don't want a script over 120 pages is that they're harder to produce. You don't want a reader or producer to look at your page length and say "Oh, that's too long."

Honestly, I do it all the time here. If there's any reason for me not to read a script, I will.

Hey AB,

As much as I would like to take credit for the script, alas I cannot!

Personally, I enjoy reading the scripts as I find them very helpful when compounded with the comments people make. Infinitely more helpful than me ruminating all day on what may, or may not make a good script!

I just reposted the revised version of this script.  The site stated that it may take up to 10 days before it is posted... so please look out for it and please continue to be critical.  It is significantly shorter.  It is 113 pages (with cover) opposed to the 165 page original version.  Your tips, insight, and advise has been very helpful.  I hope you enjoy the revised version.  Thank you.  

The latest version has been posted... Please, let me know what you think...

Some pieces of advice:

OK, here are a few things to take under consideration. You might read it all as negativity, but please don’t, I’m hoping you take it as constructive advice that every writer needs. It doesn’t speak to the quality of your actual writing, just about technical details that every screenwriter needs to adhere to. Hope you find it helpful:

Action text: Saying stuff like “the scene fades back in” is unnecessary. Trim this kind of fat and you’re screenplay will be far more streamlined. Also, you can’t use “the scene fades back in” to transition into another scene without a slug line. An example of this is on page one. You need another slug right there, for basic formatting purposes. This technical stuff may be annoying for the writer, but it makes life easier for the reader, and that’s all that really matters, right or wrong.

Dialogue: Absolutely anything said by any player in your work, no matter how minor, needs to be properly catalogued within the proper dialogue format. Remember the nurse who asks Nick why he’s sitting alone? That’s what I’m talking about. Her lines need to be properly formatted, again, no matter the importance of her part. Another example could be found in your drug awareness/career day scene. The reader needs to know what the educators are saying, it doesn’t have be a long piece of dialogue; just enough so the reader gets the basic idea.

Character introductions: When characters are first introduced, their names should be capitalized, along with a brief description of what they look like. You can even sneak in some details of their personality if you wish. This technique is designed to give the reader a sense and picture of the character in question, and it’s a pretty fun, imaginative exercise for the writer as well. To wit: when you introduce Sean, the class bully, you could describe his style of dress or basic appearance to alert the reader that he is, in fact, a bully, instead of just giving it away in a parenthetical. This process could help you as a writer as well, because if you really PICTURE this kid, it could help you get in his head, so to speak, and get a clearer idea of what makes him tick. Trust these descriptions and dialogue to get through to the reader, instead of just announcing Sean as a bully right off the bat.

Show the reader:  I also saw something similar just a bit earlier, when you say Nick is wary of talking strangers. Instead of just giving this fact away, SHOW it in the dialogue, or Nick’s actual actions. That is screenwriting, basically. Showing the reader with your words. Again, trust your writing. Sticking close to the subject, take a look at when Sean says “hope yo daddy don’t skip out on this one too!” Right after that, in the action text, you say “Sean laughs at his rude comment”. Unnecessary. As the reader, I already know that is a rude comment. Your strong dialogue took care of it, no need to exacerbate your point in this manner.