Other Worlds by Billy Tucker - Short - Bounty Hunters search a hostile moon for the wreckage of a lost Space Freighter. 13 pages - doc, format

!!! SPOILERS HEREIN !!!




Hey Billy,

Ok, so this was an intergalactic reworking of the beginnig of Raiders of The Lost Ark.  An interesting idea.  

I think your action descriptions are too long and should be broken up into smaller chunks.

There were a few typos I noticed -

            RANA
I want too turn back (should be 'to')

Baki notices a tuft of long, course fur caught in the foliage and he examines it gingerly (I think you meant coarse)

With a high pitched WHIRLING sound the Dwarf Star dims and the reactor shuts down, the Dwarf Star is now in her hand, both Sierra and Rana relieved (You meant Baki right?)

AT THE LANDING, Sierra runs in full stride to the edge of the hole and broad jumps into space.  He doesn't make it.  (she)

             SIERRA
     (looking back at Rana)   << Baki not Rana
Nothing’s ever easy.

Other than that it was a pretty enjoyable read.  Dialogue and characters were fine, and the descriptions were vivid and easy enough for me to follow.

Well it was a clever reworking of the opening of Raiders - but - and not to be harsh - am wondering what was the point in the long run? It was fun to read and wonder how you'd handle the next scene from Raiders Of The Lost Ark, and you put nice Sci Fi enhancements on each scene.

What struck me most was, I'd like to see this gal in her own science fiction adventure.

I have to say, this really didn't tickle my fancy... or my anything for that matter. The scene descriptions were extremely long and drawn-out, the dialogue was little-to-none (and what did exist sounded too lazy or expositional to have an effect on me).

The idea of reworking a movie scene, and placing it into a seperate genre is an interesting idea. But I think I have to agree with MikeP on this one: give your heroine her own original screenplay to live in.