The Long Road North by Joshua O'Neill (dreamlogic) - Short, Drama - An author suffering from writers block travels through the remote Australian countryside in search for inspiration. What he finds is far more chilling. 51 pages - pdf, format

Josh, Genius writing. I love the mellow tone throughout the whole story theme with brief pulse-thumping moments peppered in. I'm seeing beautiful screen shots of that tremendous country with colours and backdrops you can only get in the Outback. I'm sensing another very easy excuse for Chris to go out there again D.O.P.'ing. Good work.

Cheers Tasker! Great to hear you liked the script! It's definitely a good script for a cinematographer. I think Chris will be very keen to shoot this one!

Speak soon mate.

The logline here intrigued me but I am sorry to inform you that your script is not properly formatted. I won't go into detail about it. Every screenwriter should know basic text format. Look up on it and then resubmit the script.

I'm pretty certain that my script fits the basic text format. You make it sound like it is unreadable. Sure, mabe theres a few things that aren't PERFECTLY alligned, but nothing to make this an unpleasant & frustating read.  Can you please point out what you think makes this script unreadable? Because I find it quite ridiculous that you think my script needs resubmitting.
If you'd given me something constructive to work off I'd be thankful for your comments.

I'd be happy for you to point out to me the things that I could change to improve the format.

Gomez is wrong to make it sound unreadable.

His bad.

All of your dialogue is centered.

That is quite incorrect.

Your bad.

Hi Bert, what is the proper alignment for dialouge?
Did you read through the whole script? I'd love some feedback on the story, characters etc.

Thanks

I should know better than to make little comments like that by now.  I always get sucked in haha.

I do not know the exact margins for dialogue, Josh -- you can ask George, who I suspect knows them to the nearest tenth of an inch.  I just use my tabs and forget what they are.  But I assure you that centered dialogue is incorrect.  Also, when you first introduce a character, their name is in CAPS. You frequently have dialogue bleeding from the bottom of one page to the top of the next; and that appears sloppy and lazy, whether you mean it to or not. You also have no page numbers, which is not only incorrect, but also annoys reviewers when they can not refer to specific pages in their notes.

But moving on from the technical matters, I did buzz through your story.  A nice, creepy tone, with good dialogue for the most part, and a good central character that you might have betrayed a bit in the end.

On the one hand I found it too long, and on the other, not long enough.

For the first hand, there are several scenes here that feel padded. The two scenes with Libby could be condensed into a single scene, with less exposition. The mention of the "accident" feels a bit clunky, and in retrospect, once revealed, it really played a very minor role in the story. Also, his conversation on the cell phone as he leaves town is kind of meaningless.

But what he says while tossing the parking ticket is a good line. The first time that you have really let us peek into his character.  The fact that you have him using a typewriter might also be a character trait, but I do not think anybody would believe an author using anything but a laptop on the road.  Perhaps rethink that detail.

For the second hand, you do have a wonderful payoff -- honestly, you do -- but again, it is driven by so much verbal exposition.  And then we just cut back to Patrick in his study with his completed manuscript.  And I was disappointed by that, and thought you owed him a bit more.

It seems like Patrick and this tree is the really compelling story that has yet to be told.

I think the story you have on-hand here could be accomplished in thirty pages or less with a good trimming, and then more pages could be devoted to Patrick and the tree.  It seems this character would be drawn to it -- he could not help himself but investigate -- and the question of whether he ultimately triumphs or fails would be a compelling one.

My opinion is that this is a really good premise that you have short-changed. Just when things are really starting to get interesting, you end the story.

Thanks Bert,

I'm going to update the script to fit your formatting pointers.

I've been thinking about the accident and how I can link it back into the story. I read my script again last night and it definitely does feel pointless. This is something I'm gong to have to think about.

Im still not sure If my idea for the ending has worked. Some people seemed to understand what I was going for, but most want to read more about the town and tree.

The idea is that the ending is nothing more than a figment from Patricks book. The final line of dialogue from Charlie is 'And dont forget how powerfull the land really is' which is the same line that Terry used to give Patrick the idea to start writing again. I guess I wanted the script to be about Patrick curing his writers block, and by the end of this scene he clearly has. The manuscript at the end is the completed book that is about a haunted tree. Where as I didn't want the film itself to be about a haunted tree.

I'm still not sure about it myself. I have been thinking about turning this into a feature, I think theres definitely a whole new story (the story of Patricks book) to expand on.

Quoted from Dreamlogic Some people seemed to understand what I was going for...The idea is that the ending is nothing more than a figment from Patricks book.

Looking over the last few pages again, I can see that.  I did not get that at all upon my first reading, however.

I think the problem there is Charlie -- a character who exists for only one purpose -- to deliver a whole boatload of exposition in one long, unbroken breath.

It is Charlie's presence that confounds your true intent -- expanding those final pages and making it appear as if we are still in the here and now, instead of in Patrick's manuscript.  (Which I now see you have him completing in pen, which is even a bigger stretch than a typewriter haha.)

I still contend that Patrick discovering these things for himself, and perhaps his own descent into madness, is the true meat of this story that remains unexplored.

Charlie strikes me as a very easy way out of this story, if that makes sense.

And note that none of these suggestions are at odds with your primary goal of showing Patrick curing his writer's block.  This story could easily accommodate all of that.

My thoughts on it, anyway, for what they're worth.  Best of luck with it, whatever angle you decide to pursue.

Thanks Bert,

I really appreaciate your feedback because there are so many different ideas to expand on if I turn this into a feature, which I am pretty certain I will do.  

I had a good think about it. I'm very interested in writing about Patricks descent into madness. This descent could possibly reflect the mental breakdown or alcohol addiction that Patrick experienced at the time of the car crash. After all, it would all only be a part of Patricks book which is inspired by his own lonely life. (I tried to imply this with the opening voiceover)

I think theres also a story to tell about Charlie dealing with the unexplainable.


Anyway, I just thought I'd share my recent ideas about where I might take this.

While I think the story is a very original one; I feared it was going to be about homicidal maniacs in the woods or something cliche.  This one is different, so congrats on that.

Just starting the read, I saw that you are a very wordy writer.  Descriptions need to be kept short (dialog, too).  Your first paragraph of description could be cut in half.

Quoted Text A middle-aged man sits at a desk, staring thoughtfully at a piece of paper.  He holds a pen in his right hand, which he taps against the wooden surface.  The room is lit only by a desk lamp which casts a warm glow over the man and his workspace.  The man’s name is Patrick Kell.

PATRICK KELL (45) sits at his desk, tapping his pen against.  He stares thoughtfully at a piece of paper.  A small desk lamp casts a soft glow around him.

When you first mention a character by name, it should be in upper case.  This way, we’ll know that you’re introducing him.

If you were to tighten what you wrote, you can probably take ten or fifteen pages off this script.  By removing unecessary scenes, you can double that amount:

The conversation between Libby and Patrick could also be cut back.  It takes up nearly ten percent of the script.  Not only could it be cut in half, it could’ve been done over the telephone while he was packing.

The green light scene was unnecessary.  The telephone scene in the car was unnecessary.

Jenny's obsession should build in this story.  You pretty much told us about it and BOOM, the story's over.  

Then you bring Charlie in and he wraps everything up nice and neatly.  As Bert put it, it's wrong to do this.  Patrick should find all this out on his own, but it shouldn't be through Patrick sitting and talking to people.  Have him research it.  Have him visit places where the clues lay.

This could be a nice feature, showing Patrick going mad and fighting the 'will of the tree.'


Phil

Hey Dogglebee,

Thanks for your feedback. I'll have a look at some of the descriptions and see what I can cut down. I must admit I do get carried away sometimes, often it's not until someone points something out that I realise it's unnecesarry.

I'm hesitant to remove or shorten any of Libbys scenes, simply because I personally like them so much. I dont mean to be stubborn, I think It would just feel wrong to change them.

The idea with the traffic lights is to symbolise the frustrations and lack of control that Patrick feels in the city. The Phone scene is to symbolise his final detachment from these frustrations. I'm not sure about them myself as I understand that they add nothing to the progression of the story.  I think It's something that would work better on screen than on page.  I'm still undecided on wether to leave them or cut them.

I'm about to start re writing this as a feature so I'll keep your comments in mind regarding Jenny and Charlie. As you said, I think theres a lot more to be expanded on towards the end.

Thanks Dogglebee.

Also, keep in mind that the actual story (Jenny and tree) is only a few pages long.  Everything else (80% of the script) is just lead up.


Phil

Hi dreamlogic
you've got a solid story, did notice some things though.
You need to put your character introductions in all caps.  They were capatilzed at times, but after their initial introduction. Watch out for errors with "there". Right off the bat, pg 3 has a couple of 'em.
I'd invest in either Final draft or Movie Magic screenwriter, it'll eliminate your formatting issues and let you focus on the story. the dialogue is stretched out by improper formatting, make it read much longer than it actually is. I think if the script were properly formatted it would easily eliminate four to five pages that bog down your story.
Right away the story reminded me of a mix of Secret Window and Misery, both in a good way.
Lots of your dialogue could be shortened a bit. The characters got a little talky at times. Maybe if they showed some non verbal forms of communication.
pg. 5: you put Libby as Libbys. I'll stop with the grammatical errors, you're on your own from here.
Ooh, I lied, pg 12 got to me. the exclamation points between the two suggest that they are yelling back and forth. standing only a few feet apart, when it actually would come across as a thoughtul "farewell" scene without them.
Patrick and Libby's discussion goes on for far too long to be all contained within one location. I always try to keep each scene of mine under 2 and 1/2 pages or else you're draining all you can from that location and you're left with two talking heads going back and forth at each other.

The chicken nugget from his pocket was a bit weird, but worked well.