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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  The Competition Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: June 24th, 2008, 2:31pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Competition by Stephen Brown - Short - A lazy Sunday afternoon. Mark and Rich should know better at their age. 7 pages - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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alffy
Posted: June 24th, 2008, 3:11pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Ste, Jez you write a lot lol.

I love reading your scripts cos the wording so familiar, 'blokey-blokes' made me smile, dunno if Americans say things like that?  It reads like it happened just round the corner if you know what I mean.

Anywho, your opening with the barman reminded me of 70's horror film or something, where the narrator introduces the two lads and then they take up the story.

'Mackem get', I really do think most won't get this but I get the feeling you enjoyed this line!

It reads like maybe this actually happened, although a bit exagerrated.  I'd have thought most golf clubs would have barred them the moment the first dart missed the board lol.

I liked the Barman, he speaks the truth, in both senses.  Everything we do is a competition whether we own up to it or not...and no more so than with drink.

This was a good read but maybe a bit long for what is really a joke.  It doesn't really tell much of a story but it does its job.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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BryMo
Posted: June 24th, 2008, 6:41pm Report to Moderator
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Stephen, have you ever had any of your shorts produced?

You write as much as i do, and since your material always comes out better than good, i have to ask if you have had material produced? Cause if so, i'd like to watch.

Story wise:

Everything here is amusing to me, i liked it. However i will agree with alffy when he says its a tad too long since its based on a joke.


Shorts:
Good Golly Miss Molly
No Place Like Home
New Moon Rising
Yuno - BRAND-*SPANKIN*-NEW!
The Ballad of Uncle Sam: An Anarchists Melody
Toy Soldier
This Modern Love
A Virgin State of Mind

A GUIDE TO MY LITERARY BABIES
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stebrown
Posted: June 25th, 2008, 4:17am Report to Moderator
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Cheers Alffy/Bry for the reads

Alffy
Yeah, probably the most English script that I've done. I've written four shorts over the last couple of months, but with the blackout, they're probably all gonna be posted in the next week or so.
This one is loosely based on two of my mates (one being a Sunderland fan the other a newcastle fan). Note; Sunderland and Newcastle are two North East cities with a fierce rivalry. Mackem = Sunderland. This was really meant as more of a social comment than a joke, although it is supposed to be a comedy. Satire the word I'm thinking of?

Bry
One of my first scripts 'Big Stakes' was about to start filming in America but one of the main actors has just pulled out. Once they replace him the filming should start. Will post it here when/if I receive it. Communication with the guy behind it has been good so I'm pretty hopeful. Also, been contacted by a production company in London about a possible feature (not that it's written yet, but he's interested in the idea.)

Thanks again

Ste


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CindyLKeller
Posted: June 25th, 2008, 5:01am Report to Moderator
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Hey ste,

I thought this was cute.
Kinda reminds me of my old waitressing days in the bar, and things that happened.
I didn't think it was too long, myself, I enjoyed the build-up.
All characters kept me interested, and smiling...
but I'm not quite sure I know what a blokey bloke is though.

Good read,

Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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stebrown
Posted: June 25th, 2008, 5:12am Report to Moderator
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Thanks Cindy

A blokey-bloke is an English expression I guess. Just simple guys, into sports, void of all feminine connection.

Pleased you enjoyed it.

Ste


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sniper
Posted: June 25th, 2008, 11:50am Report to Moderator
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Hey Ste,

Just finished 'The Competition' and I must admit I don't think this is your best work. In fact I don't really like the script all that much. I liked that you kept the dialogue 'local' cos' that kinda set it apart (although some of the words went right over my head).

But I didn't like that pretty much nothing happened, just two guys doing the age old macho thing. No crisis, no twists or turns. It's very linear, which in itself can be a good thing, but it seemed to drag on without change. To me it was like listening to a one-note song.


Cheers
Rob


Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load
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stebrown
Posted: June 25th, 2008, 12:21pm Report to Moderator
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Cheers for the read Rob.

Hand on heart I agree with you. There isn't really a story here.

I've been trying different things with my shorts in view of when I do a feature, so I have some practise in different formatting techniques. This one was mainly the whole interacting with the camera. There's one more short waiting to be uploaded called 'A brief history of an Alcoholic'. Of the three I posted that's the one I liked the most.

I set myself a target of the end of the year to finish my first feature, so that's what I'm going to be concentrating on for the next few months.

What's wrong with one-note songs anyway? Tenacious D did a class one haha.

Ste


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sniper
Posted: June 25th, 2008, 12:27pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from stebrown
What's wrong with one-note songs anyway? Tenacious D did a class one haha.

And it was almost as good as Inward Singing.

"The most powerful tool in singing technology since yodeling, dude. Oh, my god, inward singing!"


Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load
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tonkatough
Posted: June 28th, 2008, 7:31pm Report to Moderator
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This was well written. But I couldn't understand half the dialouge. You really need some subtitles.

As soon as you had two drunks pick up some darts, I thought cool. But nothing happened.

This was sort of a non event short. Nothing happened.


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stebrown
Posted: June 29th, 2008, 5:13pm Report to Moderator
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Cheers for the read mate. Yeah, not a great deal happens. What I was trying to get was an escalation of their competitiveness but I ran out of ideas. It's just a comment on how blokes get when they're together with a few drinks. One of my mates once drank 34 pints based on a challenge from an american marine. He is who mark is based on. Let me know when you've got something new up cos I enjoyed the two scripts i've read of yours.                  Ste


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