Health Club Adventures by Danny Beaudry (avs1996) - Short, Comedy - Darren is going to the gym for the first time, hoping it will improve his chances with the ladies. 3 pages - pdf, format

Hey Danny, I really don't see the point in this. A guys shits on himself(which I admit was kinda funny) and then he looks at some old dudes junk in the showers. Then it ends. Just like that. The dialog was a bit wooden throughout as well. Go back and freshen up. Also, you'd have a better ending if you just ended it right after Darren shits his shorts. The entire shower seen feels drawn out and pointless. Good luck in the future.

~Zack~

I think that Darren said it best in your script, "You got some issues, man."

What was this?  Really!  This wasn't a story; I'm not sure that I would even call it a scene.  It was, like, this really weird idea popped in your head and you wrote it down as a joke.

I know I'm supposed to say something positive or constructive here, but there is nothing positive to say.  In regards to constructive... people will quickly learn to avoid your scripts if this is what you post.


Phil

Whoa there Phil, how bout you ease up a bit? He may be a young screenwriter who really wants to learn how to write. You ripping him to shreds isn't going to help. If you have nothing constructive to say, why say anything?

~Zack~

Wow. Just....wow. What exactly is the story here? What is the resolution? This was simply abyssmal.

But...well, at least it was  well-written on a technical level. Other than that, this script is pretty much--well, I really dunno what to say.

--Julio

Quoted from Zack Whoa there Phil, how bout you ease up a bit? He may be a young screenwriter who really wants to learn how to write. You ripping him to shreds isn't going to help. If you have nothing constructive to say, why say anything?

He is a young screenwriter; I would guess twelve years old.  If he wants to learn how to write, he's going to have to learn how to take criticism.

And I consider the warning I posted to be very helpful.  Hopefully it will prevent him from writing more scripts like this and encourage him to think about what he writes..


Phil

Quoted from dogglebe If he wants to learn how to write, he's going to have to learn how to take criticism.

Sure, but why should he have to take a verbal beating?

~Zack~

I gave the script an honest review.  If we cannot do that, here, then there's no reason to be here.  Glad you liked the shitting-in-his-pants scene, though.


Phil

I don't wanna get into it with you Phil. I just think you could have offered SOMETHING constructive. Maybe even a "better luck next time". But no, you're Phil.

~Zack~

And that's why I usually get two or three e-mails a month, asking me to read their scripts; because I'm Phil.  I wasn't in an encouraging mood after reading this script.  I thought I should give Danny a warning, instead.


Phil

Hey guys sorry to cause this argument and waste your time reading it.  I definitely posted this in the wrong place.  I'm new to script writing and have written a full script, but wasn't sure if it was written correctly format wise.  This was just a couple pages I took out of the script in hopes of getting critiqued.

You picked a weird passage to post, Danny.

If you're not sure about formatting, just read some other scripts here.


Phil

Alright kiddo, where do I begin?

Format is far too off, your description is too long, your dialog is rather blocky, you waste a lot of words in description, "he is walking," "built and attractive" - condense, condense, condense.

Now, on to what LOOKS like the main point of your story:

"Darren strains and pushes as hard as he can. He lets out a
slight fart. Diarrhea runs down his leg."

Putting aside "Diarrhea runs down his leg."  THAT is the key point of this short?  Now, I know you're a kid and all, and I know we can be childish, but I mean, this goes beyond the pale lad.  It's childish, sorta pointless, and is incomplete.  If this was a clip in a full script, then, that would be something else, still a bit pointless, but if it's the entire short script, then do you honestly expect anyone to want to watch that?

When you write, always always ALWAYS ask yourself, "Is this something my audience will enjoy?"  Because an audience will not respond to this what so ever, except the select few childish folks.

"MATT
Nah, its just I always end up
running into people I know in here
when they're naked. They always try
to strike up conversations with me,
and I can't pay attention to a
thing they're saying. The whole
time they're talking all I can
think about is MUST CONTAIN EYE
CONTACT
(beat)
If I accidentally glance down at
their balls they'll think I'm gay."

Blocky, blocky, blocky.  4 to 7 lines MAX, anymore and you're pushing it.

I was reading this script and I had absolutely ZERO clue as to what the story was, between Darren being homophobic, shitting himself, trying to please the ladies, it is WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY too incomplete.

I mean no, you didn't come to the wrong place to post this, because at least we're giving you honest feedback so you can prevent yourself from embarrassing yourself posting this elsewhere.  Part of writing is being able to take criticism.  So you gotta understand that.

To conclude, I honestly suggest scrapping this short and buckling down to read and study professionally written screenplays.  I mean I'd say 12 is too young to be writing, but I've been wrong before, of course, you might not want to start writing just yet until you can further grasp the concept of story.

Potentially funny stuff that we worry about at the gym. You may want to develop the characters a little more and use a less obvious title.