Pick Up 101 by Guy Jackson - Comedy - After a lifetime of failure with attracting women, college student Tommy Frazier decides to hire Kingston Battle, the greatest Pick Up Artist in the world, in order to help him attract a girl that he feels is the one.  But when Kingston becomes attracted to the targeted girl as well, he attempts to win her for himself.  Will Tommy be able to beat a master Pick Up Artist at his own game in order to win the girl of his dreams? 113 pages - pdf, format

Just finished the script. Read it in one read. I'll probably be fired because I couldn't put it down. It was awesome! The apple interview had me on the ground laughing. Coming up on the end when Kingston was after Angie I was going to suggest making his whole seduction part of his plan but you did it. My only suggestion would to be punch up Chases' jokes. He is a great character but his jokes come off as kinda infantile. Keep the vulgarness of his personality and run with the jokes just take the shackles off. Other than that great story, great plot ,great characters, great job!!

I'm excited about reading this, as I study social interaction... pick up if you will. Will write review soon!

EDIT: Okay, I've read up to page fifty, because I really should be in bed. It's really awesome! Few things if I may..

The red head with stun gun too unreal.

Some lines were too.. "textbook". Just a few though.

There is a movie called The Game coming out very soon, it's quite like this I'm guessing. Chump to champ. Do you know about this movie?

Copyright issues? Mystery made up the 3 second rule, so maybe you can't use that... I don't know how it works.

Every line Kingston said was really amazing. What a great character.

The dialouge was colorful as were the characters. The story  however  is well worn...most recently "Hitch". Its hard to sell anything but unique material. Find a great story and add your other skills to it.

Maybe it's just me, but I don't think it's that good.  The dialogue is very 'on the nose', and the direction seems very stale.  So far I am on page 14, and I don't want to continue.  I'm a  nobody, and if I don't want to continue, readers and people who matter most likely will not.

For instance, do you really need to tell us that she takes a lollipop, unwraps it, and puts it in her mouth?  That sounds like a job for Captain Obvious.  There has to be a better way to say it and do it with more interesting yet fewer words.

Now, having said that, I think that it has potential.  I am also worried though because so far it really isn't original.  I will go ahead and read the rest because I'm at work and it beats working.  I'm hoping to be surprised.

Wish you nothing but the best.

If you were just a misogynist, that wouldn't necessarily make a bad script.  If you just had no idea how people behaved, not necessarily a bad script either.  if you just were clinging to cliche after cliche to stretch out a thin story, maybe that wouldn't even be so bad.  However, as it is, you're a conceited, laughably talentless woman hater, and reading this script enflames me with the desire to punch you in the head.  

Back to the drawing board.  And, don't forget, not everyone was meant to be a screenwriter...

Quoted from Scar44face If you were just a misogynist, that wouldn't necessarily make a bad script.  If you just had no idea how people behaved, not necessarily a bad script either.  if you just were clinging to cliche after cliche to stretch out a thin story, maybe that wouldn't even be so bad.  However, as it is, you're a conceited, laughably talentless woman hater, and reading this script enflames me with the desire to punch you in the head.   Back to the drawing board.  And, don't forget, not everyone was meant to be a screenwriter...

Your comments are completely useless and unjustified. The script was well written and there is nothing in there to give your opinions above any merit whatsoever. Why don't you try posting constructive criticism, or better yet, post a script yourself and show us all how it is done, champ.

@ bitteroldman

>> For instance, do you really need to tell us that she takes a lollipop, unwraps it, and puts it in her mouth?  That sounds like a job for Captain Obvious.

FUNNY!

He lost me on page 1 with the desciption of his "hero" sleeping in a USC t-shirt! SO NEWBIE, it's ridiculous! And I am a USC grad!

I have to say, I actually finished the script.  That's what happens when you work OT and there is no one here to make sure you're actually working.

I found this script to pretty much be a compilation theft of Hitch and School for Scoundrels.  Do I feel like I wasted my time reading this?  Certainly not.  Like I said, I got paid for reading it.  Does that technically now make me a professional reader?

Funny thing is, as I allow myself to surf the unproduced scripts and read poster comments about how great some of these scripts are, I find myself wondering if I am the new kid in somebody's 8th grade class.  This script was just not good - plain and simple.  Do I think that you have some talent?  Definitely...IF you can be original.  As a writer, the last thing you want is to have your audience sitting there the entire time thinking about how much your story/movie reminds them of another story/movie.  That's just not good.

Keep up the work, though.  I am going to check out some of your other stuff and see if perhaps it was me who just wasn't into this script.

PS - I am the King of Nobodyville.  I have nothing produced to my credit, nor do I post my work on here.  Kudos to you for getting out there and doing it.  


PSS - Screw USC.  GO STANFORD!!!