The Stolen Santa by Gary Murphy (gm) - (Wych Elm) - Short, Drama - 30 years ago a tragedy ripped one mans life apart, now he is looking for answers and thinks he has found the man who might have them. Sometimes the truth is better not known. - pdf, format

Hello Elm,

This is my first read for this OWC; so I can't rate this one against the others, but I will say that I think the storyline is top-notch.

What you need to work on, as most of us do, are the technical aspects, meaning: pay attention to tightening up the work, try to catch grammatical errors in your proofing, integrate action with dialogue, determine what should weigh heaviest in sections (How important is the dog? Would a scene showing Nathan stealing in a Christmas prank help reveal his character more? Would it tie the title into the story better?)

At the end of this, I was thinking that writing this from a more linear perspective might be better. By that I mean taking the story and writing it present tense where Nathan and Roy are in their prime and their relationship is deteriorating. Then you could move forward into the future.

I don't know how feasible this is for the length of the script, but it would be interesting to try it that way.

Here are some of my notes:

The white space on a page is easily visible to readers who determine whether something is going to the slush pile or not. This is something to be aware of and it's easy to fix. Well, maybe not easy, but it's easy to notice.

If you've got more than a few lines consistently running together on scripted pages, you don't have enough white space. Even without reading a line, a junior editor hired to get rid of the real slush before the slush can give quick glances to determine if something is going to pass the first stage.

>There is a Full Moon outside and...

Look at the blocky looking paragraph and figure out ways to trim it. This is my little go at it:

A full moon beams barely enough light inside wide windows of a large room. Follow the light to an illuminated English Sheepdog, 9 yr. old Jed, lying near a marble fireplace. His dreams: Chasing cars; digging bones.

>an elaborate and ornate

Cut one of these words. Ornate is good enough.

>Its ticking is monotonous and reverberates around the large room.

I cut the words "its, is, and" by the following:

Monotonous ticking reverberates around the room.

We might even write:

Monotonous LOUD ticking.

I've taken this:

>Into the room steps JASON GRANTHAM. Mid 30’s and unshaven he
looks like he has slept in a hedge for a week.

And got rid of "mid" and "and".

I don't think that you can tell the different between 32 and 39; so I figure save a word and buy a farm. If age is important to context, you can be specific, if not, don't worry.

Additionally regarding:

>Into the room steps Jason Grantham, 30s, unshaven and so sloppy he looks like he might have slept in a hedge for a week.

Note here, that I LOVE "slept in a hedge for a week".

Some might say it belongs in a book; not in a script, but if you wrote it from point of view. (If there were someone seeing the guy and imagining, then no one could argue it's not cinematic.

There are a few possessives that weren't marked:

>fathers funeral
Should be possessive.

>get get
I think you meant "can get".

>each others

Should be possessive.

>It certainly doesn't happen now.

I was thinking:

If it happened then, it probably happens now.

I was confused by;
He may even have been on something else...

I was just wondering what Nathan was thinking by saying this. How crazy was his friend behaving before he went down? Was he getting into all kinds of drugs?

I see here that all of the dialogue without some flashbacks don't use well the form of "moving pictures". (But again it's a matter of context. A serious conversation done right on screen works for me. It just depends.) I just thought I'd bring up that point though.

This has a great storyline like I said and I think there is plenty of room for character development. The story shows how things can really go downhill and in retrospect, people are left wondering why.

I love your work with the clock. It's a good strong motif in addition to The Stolen Santa. The thing I would think about is the title compared to the story. Perhaps you might make the broach that he gave his friend's wife be a "jeweled Santa broach".
That way it fits more with the title. Or maybe it's a cheap plastic light up Santa that gets his friend's wife all teary eyed and makes Roy upset. "How could she get that way about a cheap plastic thing like that? When I gave her a gold bracelet!"

Okey dokey, I'm finished here.

Good job!!!!

Sandra

Not bad, but a little sluggish to get going...Some random thoughts...A little overdone on the descriptions...Got a nice flavor to the house, but could be trimmed down a bit...Don't know that a Seventy year old guy would say "Chill", unless he's always been a trendy, hip dude...  Got a good visual of Jason and William...I would have swung the 3 Wood and asked questions later, but that's just me...9 Iron could have some damage, too....Why is it important that it was a truck full of mothers day cards? Sets timing, perhaps? ...Nate does have some good lines..."what do you think he would do once you miss his head?"

A lot of dialogue ( like the death of Sally) could be effective as a flashback with Nathans Narration, but thats just a thought...

The introduction of the Stolen Santa tradition works nicely, and serves the story well.

The end struggle is a little tragic for William, and in a sense, a bit unfair because he was not really an antagonist in this story...I guess it's more in a Karmic sense.

All in all, a solid effort and fits the theme well...

Hey guy. (or girl)

I thought I'd give this a look as it was at the bottom of the board, so I'd give it a little jump.

This, over all, I thought, was good.  Good story line, believable dialogue real characters ( Although william was a bit weak).

I suppose my main problem is that this is really more of a play.  The whole story is told through dialogue, as opposed to action.  While it makes an interesting play, by movie standards, its a little boring.

How might this be remedied?  The obvious option is through flashback.  Don't have them tell us what happened in the past, show us.  What makes a movie different from a play is the freedom to quickly and efficiently change scenes, allowing you to move the story line along in a way that isn't simply just talking heads.

-Tyler

Santa scribe:

- Most reviews have covered my thoughts but I'll throw some new things at ya.

- Have to agree with the last review.  Read more like a play.  All one location.  Mostly dialogue but that's not necessarily a bad thing.  Lotta young filmmakers and producers look for short scripts that can be shot on nearly 'no' budget.  This certainly has that potential.  However, I think the dialogue needs tightened and spruced up to hold our interest.  Just the thought of listening to a 70 year old man ramble on so much makes me very sleepy.

- Also, a little confused by the details of the whole Jason/Nathan/Roy/Sally relationship.  Got the gist of what was going on but didn't easily sink in during the normal flow of reading.  Think the banter just needs trimmed and tightened up to help the reader focus on the most important facts.  

- I understand the reason to make a very detailed description of the room because this is the only setting.  So I can live with it but does make for a slow opening.

- Agree with others about the dog.  Probably a symbolic gesture but didn't quite work for me.  If he really did just 'let it go', don't really think a faithful old dog would just flee his home.  Maybe I'm just being picky.

-  Finally, I honestly believe this would work better as a straight drama.  Maybe eliminate the thriller type aspects and really focus on Jason's pain and questions that have haunted his life.  The whole breaking into the house/changed his name/became mailman/faked his own death/ actually hurts Jason's character.  Instead of feeling his pain, It made me focus more about him being a 'nutcase' instead of the sympathetic and complex figure that i think he could be (and that we can all identify with).

-  Keep up the writing my friend.  Hope this helps ya a little bit.

This one is hard work to get through. The story works but the other comments are right about it being potentially a lot shorter.

The biggest problem I had with it for this challenge is that it felt like they were in an old country house in England and I didn’t feel like any of these people would ever have worked at a Post Office. Fortunately outside this challenge you can change the business and that problem would be solved.

I'm guessing you have a background in more formal writing. It is very challenging to get into the style required for screenwriting but you can certainly put a story together and that's a great place to start from.

Interesting story, but not appropriate for a short. Maybe a longer short or of a feature tale if you want the details in there. Things are not developed well and too many things simply come out. The quote fit well though, but the tale just complicated things for me.

Gabe

I agree with what others have posted on this script that it's simply to drawn out. It felt like it took forever to finish and that's not something you want for a 16-pager. But the storu itself had merit and the premise I felt was solid (which was my main reason for finishing this piece). At about halfway though it did get somewhat repetitive, Jason wanting to know the truth and Nathan telling him that it was the truth and everything else he has heard was a lie. That was pretty much the story for the remainder of the script. "Tell me the truth", "I did", "No, you didn't", "Yes, I did", "No, you didn't", "Yes, I did" etc.

You need to introduce some action elements in between all the talking, cos' it gets boring after a while and it will not hold up on screen. The end was a bit of a letdown imo. I was left with more questions than answers at the end and part of me also felt that it was totally unnecessary - storywise - to kill William. What point did that serve?

To be honest, I think this story should be stretched out a little bit. The retelling of the story made it hard to follow, both because it was hard to stay interested, and also because so much is being thrown at you at once.

Rather than the story being retold, I think it would work much better if we could watch it all take place, easier to follow, we see the build-up exploding in the final confrontation here and also we can find out whether or not Nathan truly is telling the truth (since that isn't completely clear in this script).

As it is, I don't like it. However, I think it can be very good if it were to be fleshed out.

Also, your descriptions are very literary and well done. I could picture the room very well, even if I couldn't always figure out what was happening inside of it.

I loved the story and the emotion it had, I think that was conveyed pretty well through your writing.

My only real problem was the reliance on dialogue, there just seemed to be too much told to us. I don't really know how you could change that but I just don't think it is the most interesting way to get your story across on screen.

With regard to the challenge I think you did really well with the quote and this had a lot of drama to it. Maybe if you wrote this out as a short story it would give you more ideas of how to show the backstory and the emotions rather than have the characters tell us.

Good show.

I liked the beginning and the end, but I found the middle a bit slow.  There was way too much dialogue in there.  I would recommend maybe showing the story through flashbacks.  Or maybe restructring so it happens in a more linear fashion.  

I think you met the challenge but I think your use of the quote seemed somewhat forced.

The only problem I had with this script is that it was too wordy.  All the descriptions (and some of the dialog) could be cut down, making this script a ten pager, instead of a sixteen.  You can leave out details like Jason picking up a twelve year old bottle of single malt.  A liquor bottle will do... especially when you consider that the room was dark at the time.

The story, itself, was a nice one, though three characters talking for as long as they did could be broken up a little with some action.  It doesn't have to be anything great.  Just something to break up the talk.

The story of the relationship was good and was a complete story in itself.  I would like to have seen more of it.


Phil

I must say this is a strong story compared to the others in this competition.  I felt this was a lengthy story that could of been shortened by removing the dog part and reducing the amount of dialogue where Jason needed to be convinced that Nathan was telling the truth.  If it wasn't for the police I felt this would of gone around in circles.

But overall this was a good effort.

All the best with your future.