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Ghost Train by Patrick Sweeney and Chad Underkoffler - Short, Horror - A young outlaw on the run unwittingly boards a mysterious train of famous dead gunslingers bound for Hell, and must face up to his own misdeeds to escape before the end of the line. 34 pages - pdf, format
Thanks, Don. This is a fun horror-western shorty that my writing partner & I cooked up as our first complete screenplay. It's now in the semifinals for the PAGE Int'l Screenwriting Awards, so we're very happy about that. I hope you enjoy it, and welcome any feedback or comments - we're still very new at this & eager for input on how we can improve. Thanks!
I loved your story "Ghost Train". Very well developed. If there ever was such a train I don't think that events on it would be any different. Very good concept and execution.
I loved hearing them fellers speak in Cowboy.
I liked the way it explored the human dimension and played with many themes, justice, redemption etc. not just a mindless shooting-fest.
My only comment is at the end. I don't think the camera can film the words "he begins to walk home", (unfilmable).
Just say that he starts to walk in the oposite direction, towards a bright blue sky, the hellish horizon visible behind him. That's all.
Hi George, Thank you for your feedback! I'm glad you enjoyed Ghost Train. Good point on walking home, I'll make it walking toward the distant lights of town or something.
This is a quality script Patrick. Very well written and the story flowed really well. Enjoyed it all the way through.
It's basically the tale of a young man on the cross-roads of life, does he choose his father's path of crime or his own moral path. I like the metaphor of the train to show the choice he faces.
Old Pete is a bit of a throw-away character. I guess the reason he's there is to show the murder, but I think you could maybe leave him out. I think the character's action and dialogue can show the crimes he's commited. If you want to keep Old Pete, I'd maybe look at changing the start a little. Just felt too expositional.
I'm a massive poker fan and my game is No Limit hold'em. I know they're playing 5 card draw, and hold'em anyway is a really old game. What is new (at least as far as I know) is No Limit. I think if you made 'All in' feel a bit more...unusual? it would work better. Just this felt like it's set in the wild west days, so I don't think it should sound as casual. Not a biggy, as it's not that key to the story -- I'm struggling to come up with critique here, haha.
Staying on the poker, I liked how you had the 'Dead Man's Hand' story. Saw it coming but it fitted well. The saying of 'No one likes sitting in a dead man's chair' could be used too? Just how he takes the guys chair after he's shot.
Overall, it was really creepy. All the workers looking the same gave it a bit of a Shining feel, think they were well worked. The images you set up are clear and you're obviously a talented writer.
Thanks for the read and the feedback! I'm glad you enjoyed the story. I'll take another look at Old Pete and the exposition, maybe there's a way to make things more indirect in that scene.
This concept really started with the poker scene, then the rest of the story kind of flowed out from that. I'll look into the dead man's chair thing, that might be a good taunt for Hardin to use as he's goading Wright.
Right now it's in a bunch of contests, so I'm not really looking too hard to sell it as that will DQ it, but after September or October we'll be more open if someone wants to turn it into a film. I also have an idea for expanding it into a feature, with a stopover in a 'ghost town' for Act II, but it would take a lot of restructuring.
Have to agree with every one on this. It is very solid piece of writing with a nice flow. One of the rare scripts here that feels like a movie as you read.
The very first page was brillant. a perfect opening with fast action that pull you right into the story.
I like the Poker scene where you have a cowboy who aint gun shy who is the same as Wright. Or sort of Wright's role model.
And you reckon this is both your first attempt at writing a script. Wow! I just find that hard to believe that you could just wake up one morning and say "yeah I might write a script today" and write something so perfect as this. If you haven't written a script before you must have done some sort of writing be it fictional, journalism, technical or something.
This is a tough one to critique, so many things done well and so many great ideas. The lightning revealing skeletal figures and angel wings, the entire poker game, Joey giving up the watch, the entire feel of a western captured in a spiritual ghost story, definitely loved the idea of mean-spirited prayers to God being redirected to hell.
If you had to improve anything, I'd suggest examining Deacon Jim's character a bit more. The idea of a man of God killing people yet reading a bible on the train to hell... it sounds like he's accepted his fate (JOEY: Hardin says we’re on the train to Hell. That true? DEACON JIM: For John Wesley and most of the rest of us, I reckon so.) but his actions, reading the bible and defending the Lord's name, seem to suggest he's still looking for a way to repent.
I wasn't quite sure how they ended up on the roof at first, though looking back I see the "He climbs" and I probably just skipped over it.
Still a great script, not much to critique, and best of luck in your competition!
Wow! Thanks to everyone for your feedback. It's great that people are enjoying 'Ghost Train.' This really is our first finished screenplay, though I have 20 years of newspaper writing & editing experience, and Chad & I are both authors & publishers in the roleplaying game industry.
Deacon Jim is a paradoxical character, which is why I like him. If I expand 'Ghost Train' into a feature, his character definitely calls for a bigger part to better explore his conflicting natures. In real life - Deacon Jim, Hardin, and Clements are all historical figures - most historians assume his churchly ways were just a cover.
pg 4. I would like to see some sort of reaction from from joey when wright shoots pete
page 7 "plug baby jesus" LOL this is a really good line
Characters all well rounded. each sounded different and all their exposition was delivered nicely thru out.
This short i think has real merit to win in short contests. Had beginning middle and and end. I never questioned anything you through at me.
Description were good and format was spot on.
Joey, Wright and even big bill..to the devil- all great characters. Hardin was my favorite We knew Joey had his death eventually coming but was fun t see his really try to out do ghosts and be cocky as a bad guy.
With your grasp on western talk and mojo, I would love to read a full length west/thiller/horror
Good job on this! I would like to see this filmed.
This really interesting. I read it without stopping.
The characters are drawn pretty well, i like the characterization you made with them.
A Ghost Train, really cool idea, i mean there's Ghost Ship, Ghost House you name it, and it is... i think Ghost Bathroo... what an idea lol...
Anyway i really loved it, nothing much to say, my only "complain" would be to make it into a feature script, add some more to the characters expanding their story and it would be great.
A really good script here, I liked the story and particulary enjoyed the old west lingo, you really made the characters sound believeable and genuine. I have no constructive suggestions to give that havn't already been raised.
I wish you all the best with this in the competitions you've entered it in, and should you expand it into a feature, I'll definitly look forward to reading it.
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