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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  My Fifteen Minutes Moderators: bert
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  Author    My Fifteen Minutes  (currently 5821 views)
Don
Posted: August 21st, 2008, 8:09pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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My Fifteen Minutes by Anthony Hudson (alffy) - Short - Edward's big day has arrived, can he finally become famous? 4 pages - pdf, format


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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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Murphy
Posted: August 21st, 2008, 8:52pm Report to Moderator
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Hi aiffy,

I liked this one, the tone of the piece was good and it was extremely well written. Did it really need the narration? I think the narration was done well and did suit the story but I wonder what it would be like without the narration? You told us about the rejection letters and then showed them later on, so maybe not need to tell us that. You told us that they had split up but maybe your action could have easily told us that too. it would be interesting to read it without any narration at all and have it as a silent piece.

I reviewed one of Ste's scripts the other day and was banging on about Narration then too and worried I am coming across a member of the narration police now. But i feel narration while it does have it's place sometimes makes us lazy in our writing, as if it is all too easy to go for narration and thus not have to work harder in getting the action right. I wrote something a little while ago for a Movie Poet competition that was narrated and most of the feedback I got was about the narration and I full understand now where it was coming from.

But apart from that it was good and a fitting ending too. It was probably a touch predictable, not the exact ending but I guessed it would not end well for him.

Nice effort and some nice writing.

Cheers


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bobtheballa
Posted: August 21st, 2008, 10:12pm Report to Moderator
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Interesting read, I like the idea of the man preparing for what he thought was his first acting gig, but instead culminating in a different way of gaining fame. I liked this one, but I think the ending could use some tightening. For instance, Edward mentions early on that he has recieved several rejection letters so there's no need to show them all at the end. At the beginning, he could set the latest letter down on a table (rather than crumpling it up and tossing it away as written) and then at the end we could go back to this letter and see that it's a rejection letter just like the rest. Along the same lines, since we already know his wife left him, I'm not sure the letter from her at the end is necessary. It doesn't really bring anything new to the story as opposed to if she took a harsher tone and said something like "your acting career will never amount to anything." That would be more likely to send him over the edge.

One last thing, I'm not sure about having the driver die as well. The fact that he took an innocent man's life makes him less sympathetic to the readers, unless that was what you were going for.

Anyway, just a few small spots that I think could use some improvement. Overall though I liked it and I think you'll have great luck making/getting this one made since it doesn't require any expensive effects, more than one actor (and a voice) or props.
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sniper
Posted: August 22nd, 2008, 1:41am Report to Moderator
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Hey alffy,

I didn't like the first three pages. They felt long and too detailed and the VOs were not doing it for me. I knew something was coming up on that last page and I was really hoping it would be worth the time.

And it was.

I did not see that one coming at all. Nicely done, mate. I don't know why but I thought something funny would happen in the end. Imagine my surprise That last page put a totally different light on the first three pages and I felt completly sorry Edward. What a sad character.

Small nitpick: Edward mentions that it "takes planning". I not sure exactly what he had to "plan" by taking that step off the platform.

Anyway, good read.

Cheers
Rob


Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load
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stebrown
Posted: August 22nd, 2008, 2:47am Report to Moderator
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Good stuff Alffie, haven't read anything new from you for a while.

This was a sad tale. I don't know if the VO works that well, did you try it without? I think just music over the top of this would look good, no dialogue except for the end. Maybe have a TV on that's playing music? He leaves it on and then time passes when he leaves the house. Then there's a news bulletin saying what's happened. I think you can easily show the things he says.

You mix up tense in the first lines of dialogue mate.

This is my big chance,  my big day,
the one I’d been waiting for, for
as long as I can remember.

Should be '...I've been waiting for', yeah?

The emotion of the piece was spot on though and it was a good read.

I'll have a read of yoru other one later, as I've skived enough today haha.


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mcornetto
Posted: August 22nd, 2008, 3:07am Report to Moderator
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Hey alffy,

Good four pager that packs an emotional punch.   And your writing is improving as well.  I'm impressed.

The only issue I had with this was the VOs.  There was just too much of it. I think you probably could have gotten away with making some of them actual dialogue, like

Funny how things work out.
Blimey, that’s tight too.
Looking good.

I think you probably get the idea.

Cheers,

Michael
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alffy
Posted: August 22nd, 2008, 8:15am Report to Moderator
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Wow, thank got posted quick, thanks Don.


Quoted from GM
I think the narration was done well and did suit the story but I wonder what it would be like without the narration?


Everyone seems to have thoughts about this.  I did think of having the narration as dialogue and even wrote that way first but found it made Edward come across as a real weirdo, just talking to himself...but then again his head obviously isn't in the best frame anyway.


Quoted from bobtheballa
Edward mentions early on that he has recieved several rejection letters so there's no need to show them all at the end.


Yeah that's a good point, I may tweak this.

Thanks for the read GM


Quoted from bobtheballa
One last thing, I'm not sure about having the driver die as well. The fact that he took an innocent man's life makes him less sympathetic to the readers, unless that was what you were going for.


I think you miss interpreted that bit, the driver didn't die.  The news readers concerns for him and his family are down to his mental state having just ran over Edward.  Did anyone else assume the driver died?


Quoted from bobtheballa
Overall though I liked it and I think you'll have great luck making/getting this one made since it doesn't require any expensive effects, more than one actor (and a voice) or props.


Yeah, I wanted to write something that took place in either one or two locations.  Thanks for the read.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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alffy
Posted: August 22nd, 2008, 8:21am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Sniper
I didn't like the first three pages. They felt long and too detailed and the VOs were not doing it for me. I knew something was coming up on that last page and I was really hoping it would be worth the time.

And it was.


Thanks.


Quoted from Sniper
Small nitpick: Edward mentions that it "takes planning". I not sure exactly what he had to "plan" by taking that step off the platform.


This was just show that Edward has thought about it and it wasn't just a spur of the moment thing, he wanted to do it at rush hour to get the most coverage in the news.

Thanks for the read, glad you enjoyed it.


Quoted from stebrown
Maybe have a TV on that's playing music? He leaves it on and then time passes when he leaves the house. Then there's a news bulletin saying what's happened.


That's freaky!  This is exactely how I was gonna do it, but then I thought that maybe a man that's about to kill himslef wouldn't leave the tv on, or would he?


Quoted from stebrown
You mix up tense in the first lines of dialogue mate.


Well spotted mate and thanks for the read.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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alffy
Posted: August 22nd, 2008, 8:24am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from mcornetto
Good four pager that packs an emotional punch.   And your writing is improving as well.  I'm impressed.


Thanks Michael.  Also, you may of noticed that most readers have commented on the V.O's so I might have to work on that lol.  You're right that I could have some as dialogue without making Edward sound strange talking to himself.

Thanks for the read.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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bobtheballa
Posted: August 22nd, 2008, 3:08pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from alffy

I think you miss interpreted that bit, the driver didn't die.  The news readers concerns for him and his family are down to his mental state having just ran over Edward.  Did anyone else assume the driver died?


Ah, the way you made it sound, it seemed like the driver died when I read it. I would mention something about the driver still being "shaken up a bit" or something because the way you have it written now suggested to me that he suffered the same fate as Edward. Maybe wait to see what others have to say about it. Still liked it though!
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alffy
Posted: August 22nd, 2008, 3:20pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for pointing it out, these are things that need to be mention as of course the writer will intend it to read one way but that's not always how it comes across.  I'll have to look at it, maybe make it more clear.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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jayrex
Posted: August 22nd, 2008, 3:47pm Report to Moderator
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Cut to three weeks earlier

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Hi Alffy,

I wanted to say I enjoyed this script where I felt for Edward.  Pretty sad.  The ending was totally not what I was expecting and threw me.

I agree with bobtheballa where we would return back to the letter at the beginning to read the tipping point, crumpled up or not.

All the best.


Javier


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alffy
Posted: August 22nd, 2008, 4:05pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks Javier, I was hoping the ending would come as a surprise and I guess it worked then.  I don't really write emotional scripts so I'm a bit out of my comfort zone here, which makes me more happy that you liked it.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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CindyLKeller
Posted: August 23rd, 2008, 9:50am Report to Moderator
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Hi alffy,

I really liked this short little script.

You had me thinking he had his big break, and maybe his tight clothes were going to rip out in front of everyone.

Glad you didn't go that way with it. The ending was a complete surprise.

I agree with the others that some of the V.O. could be dialogue.

One location. One actor. It would be easy to film.
Good stuff.

Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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Breanne Mattson
Posted: August 23rd, 2008, 10:28am Report to Moderator
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A four page story. Three pages of tedium as a man gets ready to go somewhere. You can bet tragedy is about to strike. It seems rather obvious something bad is going to happen. It really had nowhere else to go but the general direction you took it, which was tragedy. Predictable isn’t always bad though.

The first three pages could easily be cut down. The final page - the payoff - needs a little work too. I appreciate your decision to tell the story without getting graphic about the ending but the letters - or snippets of letters - shown at the end get a little long. Are viewers expected to read Jennifer’s entire letter on film? Maybe just show crucial snippets of the letters.

I did know where it was going but it would work on film better than on paper, especially if the “getting ready” sequence was shorter.


Breanne



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