The Elevator by Melissa Gianopoulos (partlycloudyholiday) - Short, Animated - Two businessmen enter an elevator and try to look better than the other by presing a higher floor button.  2 pages - doc, format

I don't know if it's the way my Microsoft word formatted it or if Don's lost it with his smileys when it comes to grading format, but this looks more like a novel than a script.

Sean

About format; this could be broken up without even adding a page. You need to look for ways to break the action up. This could also use a little tightening up on the description. It’s clear enough but it could be better.

That said, it’s actually a cute story. As a cartoon, it’s entertaining enough with a cute and fitting finish.

Good job on such a short story with no dialogue. Work on format and keep writing.


Breanne

I've opened this up but I'm not reading it, simply because it;s not formatted. Learn your craft!

Format aside, this is nice little story. It definitely works as animation, as I could clearly see the story unravel as I read through the block of words.

I liked the ending (the final push of a button), but it still felt a little empty. Even though it's a short and there is no dialogue, we (as an audience) still need to know what the characters learned. Think of Pixar and see what the characters are like at the beginning of the short and what they are at the end of it... there is (almost) always a change.

Good potential, especially for a student animator. Clean it up, work on it a little and it can work.

Stew

I broke up the action into sections. People are complaining it's not formatted correctly. There's no dialogue, so what needs to change? What exactly needs to be done with it to make it formatted? I plan on changing some other content things, but can anybody tell me how to change the format?

-Melissa Gianopoulos

Format issues:

You need a semi-colon after FADE IN and a period after FADE OUT.

INT. ELEVATOR- DAY should be a space before the dash after ELEVATOR.

The rest of the action is one long paragraph without any breaks. Is there a chance that the formatting got messed up after you saved it or uploaded it?

Action should be in blocks of 4 sentances tops...

Also, there are some issues with your tense (past, present, future). It should always be present tense.

Examples:

"Right after he presses it, a taller, proper, businessman with a  nicer suit and briefcase, VANCE, reaches into the door and it opens." -- 'Right after' is past tense.

"The elevator begins to move." -- "the elevator moves."

"Simon starts glancing around as Vance continues pressing the buttons." -- "Simon glances..."

Also, don't address the audience:

"...so viewer only sees one or two buttons."


Hope this helps,
Stew

Thanks for your feedback. I'm new to screen-writing and I appreciate your assistance. By any chance, is there a way to re-submit scripts or do you know of any websits where I could elsewhere post my script?

-Melissa

Melissa

Sorry about my comments the other day..not very helpful.

Just read this and the story is pretty good. Stew's advice is spot-on.

You can submit a revised version in the same way you entered this, just in the bottom comments box say that it is a revision.

Again, sorry if my comment was discouraging in any way.

Ste

Melissa,

Like others have said, formatting aside, this was a cute story, but when writing a script it should be formatted.

If you want to learn how to format and write screenplays, I suggest you purchase a copy of The Screenwriters Bible. I found my copy at Borders. It's a great help.

You can also use http://www.scripped.com when writing screenplays.
It's free, and all set up for you.
Just make sure to save your scripts on your computer too, because that site saves your scripts, and if it were to crash, they would be gone.

Hope I've helped,
Cindy

Hey Melissa

I'll stay quiet about format, I think enoughs been said on this issue so I'll concentrate on the story.

Why does Simon look at Vance in shock after he only pressed a button in the elevator?  I think Simon is annoyed right?

Once formated, this would read a whole lot better but as a short animation I thought it was quite funny.

Yes, he's annoyed, and I've been working on the format. I thank everyone for helping and suggestions.