Time Capsule by Michael Rome - Short - Two scavenging orphans in a post 'Global Warming' world find that the value of treasure is relative based on your needs. 6 pages - pdf, format

For those who read and review my short, I will reciprocate and read your short, along with feedback.

Thanks, Michael

I had a look at this.

You got serious story structure problem with this one. There is no begining middle and end. Reading the first page of your script was like when I sit down in front of the TV during a commercial break then it goes back to the middle of a movie.

Your "short" is like a scene, any scene removed from a movie. The two  children are in an attic, we don't know why or who they are or anything. It just feel like I'm not getting the full picture.

The last page is not an end, it just felt like the scene comes to an end.

But fear not, your writing is quite good and I bet will improve the more you write.

You just need to understand story structure and you're good to go. I suggest you read up on some books on that subject.

Oh, and read the shorts posted here, lots of shorts. Learn from the experienced writers.  

Okay I read your script, now I hope you keep true to your word and read one of my shorts.

The link can be found in my signuature

Hi Michael,

I've read your short and found tonkatough to be right on the money.

We the audience are droppped into the storyline as something is happening, by the end we find ourselves to not be at the end but somewhere approaching the end.

If you're going to read anything of tonkatough, I recommend Phobia 39 as it's a good read.

All the best,


Javier

Marome
I agree with the previous comments.
Your short is like the opening scene for a larger story and as a snippet in itself it is very good as I wanted to read more.  There are however lots of things that need to be sorted. For example

Shawn shoots her an irritated look, then turns his attention to the trunk. The latch is secured with a padlock.

SHAWN
Look around for something.

They search the edges of the floor, but find nothing.

Shawn sees that the latch is secured by the padlock. Does Jessica? Shawn says look around for something. What is she looking for? They search the edges of the floor? What are the edges of the floor?

Also Shawn checks the gun cylinders why? Does he want them loaded or unloaded?
He puts the gun in his backpack yet Jessica produces the gun later.  would the men watch as she looks through Shawn’s bag to find the gun? He might be better putting into her backpack in the Attic.

You describe dead brown vegetation yet they move from tree to tree for cover. Are the trees dead as well then no leaves - no cover? Also how can five men not see two kids behind a tree. How did Jessica manage to get behind the man to shoot him when all 5 man stood in front of them? I think the billboard should read stop global warming? Rather than heating otherwise I will get cold at night.

I think you might be able to see what I’m getting at. but look around at what others are doing and read all the scripts you can lay your hands on. Walford

Hey Michael

All the above make good points. It does feel like a random scene extracted from longer script. Some contradictions are evident throughout the piece which were highlighted in detail by Walford.

On the positive side the idea is interesting the dialogue ran smoothly though some of your action descriptions were a little confusing as mentioned already.

Have you thought about extending this to a full length feature?

I would reconsider having kids as the main characters as this will limit your scope when writing the dialogues plus it has an dark theme to it so gauging children's reactions to handling a gun, shooting someone or conveying their restricted concepts of logic  & decision making in the face of such a bleak world will be a serious test of your writing skills as it would be to any writer.

Overall not bad, needs work but could be the genesis of something greater, keep at it

Cheers

Col.

When Shawn says “Look around for something” then Jessica says “How do we open it?” I thought it should be the other way around. Maybe an attic that wasn’t “barren” would make it more believable that they would look around too.

Shawn struts around in the house but then hides behind trees outside. Was that to show his age/immaturity? Maybe Shawn would continue to strut down the street while Jessica follows, reluctant but hopeful that her brother can protect her. Potential for some more character development.

Can five men really hide from view behind a tree? Especially trees that were surely withering like the rest of the sun-burned vegetation. Maybe around a corner?

How did Jessica get the gun out of Shawn’s backpack?

Loved the Anchorage, Alaska sign. Great exclamation point on the global warming theme.

Pretty good for 6 pages, could be better with more of a plot.

Time Capsule might not be the best title for this one.

I think you do have some good critical advice from everyone above, and I don't want to belabor their points... So I'll try not to. To begin your story moved - and that's a great start. Too often people create characters that are more or less talking heads that ponder and speculate their worlds but don't do anything in them. Not so with your main characters. You've given us plenty of tension and conflict to keep your readers interested and motivated to turn the page... I think I can speak for us all that you definitely could tighten things up a bit. I think you need to set the attic up a little better. When I was younger, I'd go up into my grandpa's attic and it was scorching hot... I would have sweat poring out of me because there's no HVAC or ventilation... I would assume in a “Global Warming” type world this would be intensified all the more... Also, I want to smell the attic... Every attic has that same smell of baked pine and dust... think antiques, cracked leather, varnished silverware... anything to put me in that world...

Keep writing though - you're definitely on to something!