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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Action/Adventure Scripts  ›  Solitary Force (was War Machine) Moderators: bert
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  Author    Solitary Force (was War Machine)  (currently 4623 views)
Don
Posted: November 6th, 2008, 10:17pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Solitary Force (formerly War Machine) by Abel Orfao - Action, Adventure - When a highly dangerous top-secret device is stolen by a criminal mastermind, the CIA drafts its most decorated and most disgraced agent out of prison. Pressed back into service and with a Presidential pardon offered as a reward, Ashley Stevenson sets out to recover the device by any means necessary. 94 pages - pdf, format


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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Revision History (3 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  November 7th, 2010, 9:39am
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abelorfao
Posted: November 7th, 2008, 1:46pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you SimplyScripts for providing such a valuable resource for everyone interested in the art of screenwriting. For those interested, I am willing to exchange scripts (preferably, but not necessarily, a script in the action or horror genres). The script exchange link is:

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-goose/m-1226083388/
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abelorfao
Posted: June 10th, 2009, 2:26pm Report to Moderator
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Well, better late than never! A new draft of War Machine is now online. For those interested, I am willing to exchange scripts (preferably, but not necessarily, a script in the action or horror genres). The script exchange link is above.

I've rewritten my action prose to make it leaner and I've also trimmed some of the dialogue. These changes have trimmed a total of twenty pages from the script without altering the story. Hopefully, this leaner and meaner screenplay will be more appealing. Now, if only I could convince someone to actually read it...
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Lightfoot
Posted: June 15th, 2009, 1:51am Report to Moderator
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I'm up for a read Abelorfao
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abelorfao
Posted: June 15th, 2009, 5:20pm Report to Moderator
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Hello, Lightfoot, and thanks for taking a look at my script. If you have a screenplay you want me to look at, just let me know.
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Lightfoot
Posted: June 16th, 2009, 12:05am Report to Moderator
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No, problem. best way to learn this art is to read it's peices.

Currently I have no script up now that wouldn't be a waste of time for you, but I've just submitted a short titled Teddy Bears and Raindrops, I'm not sure when it will be up though.

One little thing I will add about the script now is it's synopsis, for the most part it's fine but in it you are revealing to me who the bad guy is without me having to read the first page, and when I eventually do get to the part where the bad guy is revealed I'm not going to be as surprised as I would've been.
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abelorfao
Posted: June 16th, 2009, 9:48pm Report to Moderator
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Hello again, Lightfoot. I'll keep an eye out for your short and give you some feedback as soon as I can. Regarding the synopsis, I didn't think I was revealing any major secrets especially since the villain, the hero, and their history with one another are revealed fairly early in the script. Still, I'll consider revising it in the future.
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Lightfoot
Posted: June 22nd, 2009, 12:35am Report to Moderator
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I'm nearly done this script, so far the action is great and sustained, I will try and finish this asap, sorry I'm a slow reader.
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Lightfoot
Posted: June 26th, 2009, 10:58pm Report to Moderator
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Alright i finally found the time to sit down and finish this.

I don't usually like stories like this one, how one guy takes on everyone, but I enjoyed this. There was plently of action right from the start.

Error page 13 "RUSSEL" A machine vital to national security has been stolen, and we need to retrieve it yesterday..."

error page 20 "into the" repeated

This is just one of the small things that bothered me.

"the second truck veers off..." and "the second truck bursts into..." page 20, I think maybe consider joining these two action bits together.

helicopter scene i feel you have too much of "the white heli fires at counterpart" perhaps change this up a bit, and when Ashley first gets into the chopper i think you should say something, give a little description here of what is in the helicopter rather than all of a sudden there's a rocket launcher.

From this point on i didn't really have a problem with anything, only just the action seemed a bit much in some places. Usually taking up a page or half of one. If possible I suggest trimming it down, be much less difficult for the reader.


This was a good script in my mind,



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abelorfao
Posted: June 27th, 2009, 12:29pm Report to Moderator
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Hello, Lightfoot, and thanks for taking the time to read my script. I'll take a moment to reply to your comments.

Russell telling Ashley they need to retrieve the device "yesterday" was intentional and was meant to underscore how important it was to get the device back as soon as possible.

Thanks for catching the double "into the" on page 20. I'll also look at tweaking the destruction of the second truck and see if I can make that section flow a little better.

Thanks for also pointing out the repetitive descriptions during the helicopter chase. I have a tendency to lapse back and reuse the same descriptions for similar actions. It's a crutch I need to rid myself of.

I'll go back and tweak the scene when Ashley boards the black helicopter to add the presence of the rifle and RPG launcher.

I'll see if I can condense some of the lengthier action prose. I do wonder, however, if the lengthy action descriptions are a side effect of condensing the dialogue and eliminating some one-line passages which broke up the action in my earlier draft.

Thanks again for reading my script, Lightfoot, and I'm glad you enjoyed it.
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Lightfoot
Posted: June 27th, 2009, 3:33pm Report to Moderator
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If you have any others you'd like a read on, I'm all for it.

Thanks for the excellent review of my short!
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cloroxmartini
Posted: June 27th, 2009, 7:46pm Report to Moderator
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While I know it's all about action here, the first 8 pages are blocks and blocks of text about how this or that gets blown up, shot, or killed. It's too much verbage. It does not make me want to read more.
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abelorfao
Posted: June 27th, 2009, 11:16pm Report to Moderator
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Hello again, Lightfoot. I don't have any other scripts for you to read at the moment, but I plan on uploading a new horror script in a week or two. If you're interested, I can send you a PM once it's available.

Hello to you as well, cloroxmartini. I'm sorry my script didn't interest you, but I still thank you for taking a look at the first few pages at least.
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wombat
Posted: July 14th, 2009, 12:18am Report to Moderator
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"Whoop, whoop, whoop"? "Boom"? "Pop, pop, pop"? "Whoosh"? "Taka, taka, taka"? "Rat-a-tat-tat"? "Ding"? "Crash"? "Screech"? "Blam, blam, blam"? What are you, 4? I'm sorry for being so harsh, but seriously! You may have a good story, but if you submit this as it is now, I guarantee that the reader/agent won't even finish reading the first page!
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abelorfao
Posted: July 14th, 2009, 2:42pm Report to Moderator
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Hello, wombat, and thanks for taking a look at the first few pages. When I first submitted scripts to the site, I was told my action prose wasn't exciting enough and that I should add some onomatopoetic words to spice up some of the more action-packed sequences. My independent research also recommends the use if this style to emphasize action. Did you feel the parts of the script you read featured an overuse of this technique or do you feel I should eliminate their use altogether?
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