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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Horror Scripts  ›  Resurgence Moderators: bert
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  Author    Resurgence  (currently 2192 views)
Don
Posted: November 10th, 2008, 5:59pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Resurgence by Abel Orfao - Horror - On the eve of his execution, the Lake Resurgence Killer claims he will find a way to continue his murderous spree. The killer is executed as scheduled but his body disappears from the morgue without a trace. Back in Lake Resurgence, the local residents and several vacationers gather by the lake... unaware someone lurks in the woods. 83 pages - pdf, format


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Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  August 12th, 2009, 7:35pm
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abelorfao
Posted: August 13th, 2009, 2:43pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you SimplyScripts for providing such a valuable resource for everyone interested in the art of screenwriting. For those interested, I am willing to exchange scripts (preferably, but not necessarily, a script in the action or horror genres). The script exchange link is:

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-goose/m-1250192511/

First, as you could probably tell by the date of the first post, this was an old script I uploaded when I first joined the site and promptly forgot about. Well, I had some spare time so I've rewritten it and posted a new version.

Those who have read my Midnight Lake script will notice some similarities, most notably the setting. This screenplay was my second after Midnight Lake and actually started out as a sequel until I decided I could have more fun taking the story in a different direction.
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rendevous
Posted: August 16th, 2009, 5:59pm Report to Moderator
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Abel,

Had a read as agreed. I'd say your writing's improved. I flicked through your War Machine a while ago, I remember you got slammed for your onomatopoeia, I thought that was quite fun, still I only flicked through.

Anyways, onward. I see quite early on you reference other films of a similar nature. That was quite a good idea. I did find though that page 4 and your logline basically tell everyone yor plot, you're declaring it. I'd rather in the script if Quentin hinted at it in a more sinister way, this "Ah Mr. Bond - let me tell you of my dastardly plan, in detail" business doesn't work for me.

Page 6 worked pretty well. You were vague with just the word Man as the description. I'd have rather she was horrified at something offscreen. Might be more effective as it'd be clear what it was anyway. The telly bit worked very well though, very effective.

I'm not a fan of lots of chat. I don't mind some, but if it goes on there'd better be a good reason why.

I may becoming across a grumpy old man who should be waving his fist and shouting "Grow up you bastards" out the window. To the flowers, obviously.

Another gripe - Maybe the plot so far would have all the characters talking about it, but I'm not sure everyone wants to hear it. Audiences quickly get bored when they're being told what they already know.

Sorry. It's late here and I'm probably not in the right mood. I'll finish off reading and reviewing tomorrow.


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dresseme
Posted: August 17th, 2009, 3:54pm Report to Moderator
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Abel,

So I see a lot of similarities to "Midnight Lake" (as you mentioned yourself), and I feel like I'm going to repeating a lot of my comments from that one on here.

Mainly concerning your dialogue.  I think, on my ML review, I talked about how all of your characters kind of talk the same, and all speak very properly.  That is still the case here, especially with characters like Ben and Sarah, who don't really talk at all like 12 year olds.  And then, unfortunately, when you do try to make your characters sound a little different, they end up like Nancy.  Sorry to say, but the character of Nancy is very annoying with rather clunky dialogue.  I know you even make a joke about her saying "like" a lot, but it comes off as very unnatural.  Also, the dialogue you have written for Quentin comes off sounding kind of weird and cheesy.  Not so much in the beginning, but moreso in the end.

As far as your characters go, I really had a couple problems: 1) there's no clearly defined main character (or even a pair of main characters), and 2) it was really hard to keep track of them all, as the bulk of them weren't all that developed and like I said previously, the dialogue was the same throughout.  I know that most slasher flicks have a whole host of characters to be picked off, but usually they have one stand out.  One who you can route for, who has clear goals, etc, etc.  I couldn't really find that character in this script.

Next up, are your kills.  I really think, for having a story that's kind of cookie cutter (group of people go to killer's stomping ground where he kills all of them), you really need to sell this script with your kills.  People like to go to horror films like this to see people killed in crazy/bizarre/and sometimes even comical ways.  Most of the deaths in your script are fairly similar (with the exception of a few) and don't really think outside of the box.

Here are a few other thoughts as I read:

1) I really think you need to re-think him not killing the coroner, or something about his disappearance.  I just didn't buy that nobody was really raising any questions and just thought the body was "misplaced".  Aren't there security cameras in that building?

2) Why are Ben and Sarah 12 years old?  First off, they don't act or talk like it, and second, maybe I'm old-fashioned, but do 12 year olds smoke pot now?  You didn't really set Sarah up as a character who breaks the rules or anything like that either.  She's just kind of vanilla.

3.) When Dana and Larry are given charges from the police, you could throw on "filing a false police report", which is what he'd probably be the most upset about

4.) Carol and Robert put the pieces together WAY too easily when Ben and Sarah go missing.  

5.) The ending is kind of cheesy and almost Monty Python-esque in its execution.  I think what you have is a good idea, in theory, but in execution it came off kind of silly.

Ok, so hopefully some of that helped.  If you need clarification, I can always elaborate on any of my points.
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rendevous
Posted: August 17th, 2009, 8:25pm Report to Moderator
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Abel,

Sadly I can't say I enjoyed it.

I have to say that I agree with most of what Dressel said.

The lack of a clearly defined main character is probably where the script suffers the most. Not to have one means the the story really has to do some fancy dancing to keep us interested. This is a difficult trick to master, it's very hard to keep the reader interested and involved in the story. QT has a lot to answer for.

The dialogue needs some work. There's too much of it in my opinion. Not enough of it actually says anything new or intriguing. On the plus side, some of it is quite good and some of it is laugh out loud funny.

There tends to be chunks of it. I'd say break 'em up a bit with a little action of some sort, a description of a reaction.

It's mainly the plot for me though, I just couldn't get into the story well enough to care for the characters as much as I should have.

I think the fact that you told us what the plot would be so early on left you little room to manoeuvre. There was little left to surprise us.

On the plus side - technically I can't fault you - and I'm a bit of a pedant to say the least. It was wonderful to see a script that's been properly proof-read and had some time and consideration put into it.

I did note you even delved into simultaneous dialogue at one point. Not something I've ever seen before on SS. You did it well too.

I may be coming across as harsh, if so I apologise. I mean no offence. You seem like a decent type and I feel rather cruel.

I'd say horror is one of the more difficult types of story to master. Many would disagree with me but getting fear, tension, anticipation and proper frighteners into a story is way more difficult than most think. You did manage to do some of these rather well.

I'm sorry to not be more positive but I have to be honest.

R


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abelorfao
Posted: August 17th, 2009, 9:14pm Report to Moderator
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Hello to both of you, Dressel and rendevous, and thanks for reading my script. I only wish it could have been more enjoyable for the both of you. I'll go through and respond to your comments below.

The absence of a main character was actually an intentional move on my part. With so many slasher films having a character (or two) the audience is certain will not only survive but be the person (or persons) who ultimately stops the killer, I thought it would be interesting to create a scenario where you wouldn't be certain who would survive and who would stop Quentin. If it didn't work, I'll chalk it up to a failed experiment.

I've always had a hard time creating unique voices for characters. I guess this is due to my personal vision of the characters. I can see and hear them in my head so clearly, they don't seem alike at all. Clearly, that perception falls apart when seen through fresh eyes.

I made Ben and Sarah quite young both to add diversity and heighten the drama at the end, such as when Robert and Carol both put their lives on the line just to ensure their children can escape. I realize they don't sound like typical adolescents, but I was trying to make them seem brighter and clever than normal as I felt it would make them more interesting.

Concerning Sarah's marijuana use, there are a small but significant percentage of young adolescents who have experimented with the drug. I didn't think this part would seem too outlandish, especially in a story with an undead and unkillable murderer walking about. Speaking of potheads, I can't believe I didn't think of having Larry and Dana busted for filing a false police report.

The kill scenes have always been a problem for me. I wanted them to be diverse, but having the victims fall prey to overly convoluted deaths wouldn't really work. After all, Quentin wouldn't have time to set up any Saw-like devices nor could he toss bodies in a wood chipper without the others in the area quickly finding out.

This was also the reason I didn't have Quentin kill the deputy coroner. Her death and his disappearance would force the police to actually take his last words seriously and flood the area in search of him. Hand-waving away his disappearance is a cheat, I'll admit, but one I made in an effort to just move the story along. Still, I'll take a look at this and see if I can improve on it.

It was this effort to keep things moving which prompted Robert and Carol to know where Ben and Sarah went. Again, I could easily tweak this section if it seems too convenient.

I would agree Quentin's final demise is darkly comic. It should be, especially if you remember he's still alive at the end of the film. I will, however, see if I can find better balance between humor and terror during the final confrontation.

The good news is the screenplay is rather short, which means I can think about additional scenes or sequences without creating an overly-long script.

Thank you once again, Dressel and rendevous, and I greatly appreciate the feedback.
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rendevous
Posted: August 17th, 2009, 9:54pm Report to Moderator
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Abel,

Glad to hear you took the comments in the spirit they were given. I had a feeling you were a good type.

I think Dressel wouldn't mind me saying we're both striving and trying to help.

Your reasons and explanations do clear up some things I was puzzled by.

I watched Amelie again for the umpteenth time, (Audrey's destined to have my babies you know, if I could find out where she lives, that last tip off for an address was rubbish) and I put on the director's commentary. Nerdy but very interesting for me. Point is he gave me a good idea for character definition. Think of an actor playing that character.

Jeunet constantly thought of Emily Watson while he was writing Amelie. Turned out she couldn't / wouldn't do it. Did it matter in the end? No, because all he had do was change the character's name (he actually called her Emily in the first few drafts) and get another actress. But what he did have was a unique character who was consistant throughout. I think it's a brilliant device.

You may indeed hear them and see them in your head. The art is getting all that down on the page so someone else can see it as clearly as you do.

R


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here
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dresseme
Posted: August 17th, 2009, 10:32pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from rendevous

I think Dressel wouldn't mind me saying we're both striving and trying to help.


Precisely.

I don't like sounding harsh and am, like most, only trying to help.
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James McClung
Posted: August 30th, 2009, 2:00pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Abel. Sorry for the delay. Got a full review for you...

First, some notes...

- Quentin's monologue is a tad overblown. I think you could break it up some with lines from other characters. This occurs toward the end of the script as well.

- Quentin's execution is repeated far too often. It becomes quite redundant when new characters relate to others information the reader/viewer already knows. Break it down some.

- I don't buy Ben and Sarah as 12 year olds. I'd bump their ages up some, especially Sarah. She behaves and acts considerably older than Ben throughout.

- Not sure why the phrase "marijuana cigarette" has to pop up so much. Just call them joints and leave it at that.

- You've got some good transitions/juxtaposition going on in some scenes. The Frankenstein movie at the morgue and cutting from screaming to the tea kettle in particular. Good stuff.

- "Simple possession?" What country is this set in? Canada? I think the police would be a lot more hardcore on marijuana.

- How did Sarah forget the joint in the bathroom? What the fuck was she thinking? Doesn't make sense.

- I like the blood coming out of the broken bottle. Very cool!

- Shears in the eyes. Also, very cool!

pg. 69 - Quentin's clad in what, exactly?

pg. 71 - "None the worse for wear?" Huh?

- Excellent/creative way of disposing of your bad guy.

Okay. Onto the big stuff...

This is a pretty run-of-the-mill slasher. Not bad, necessarily but run-of-the-mill usually isn't good. I think you can do better. First off, you completely squander the opportunity to build a mythos around Quentin. What did the town do to him that was so bad? You never explain and frankly, I think a lot of people would like to know. Same goes for how he's able to come back. Also, everyone knows who the killer is from the start and towards the end, he starts talking a lot. I think you should give him some more personality. His kills, as well. If you were going for some mega-realistic thriller type atmosphere, they're fine but this is very clearly a slasher. Your kills need some creativity. Some pizazz. Right now, they're boring. Stabbed in the throat, stabbed in the chest... it's all been done. This is, quite literally, the meat of your story. You need to make it juicy.

I also think there's far too many characters for a horror script. If the kills were more creative, that'd be fine but they get redundant with so many people dying. There's also a serious lack of protagonists. I don't know who the main group/family is supposed to be. You should pick one and build them up so they can go toe-to-toe with Quentin at the end.

Overall, you've got a standard slasher setup and the greatness of slashers is their simplicity. Still, you've set your sights too low. This could be way bigger and better and I don't think the possibilities have been fully realized yet. A little work could take this a long way.

Hope this helps.


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abelorfao
Posted: August 30th, 2009, 3:51pm Report to Moderator
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Hello, James, and thanks for reading my script. I'll respond to your thoughts point by point below.

I'll see what I can do to either shorten Quentin's speeches or break them up with other actions and dialogue.

Upon reflection, I'll have to agree Ben and Sarah should be a little older. Would bumping their ages up by two years so they are both fourteen suffice?

I used the phrase "marijuana cigarette" just to avoid using the word "joint" over and over.

In most if not all US counties, a single marijuana cigarette is not enough to justify a felony charge which is why Larry and Dana were charged with simple possession.

I didn't intend for Sarah to forget the joint she was smoking in the bathroom. What I meant to happen was for Sarah in her haste to miss one of the unused joints which fell out of her shoebox. I can rewrite the scene to clarify this.

Quentin is clad in the black outfit Ian was wearing. I'll see if I can clarify this.

The "none the worse for wear" line was meant to state Quentin was not harmed when he was run over by the SUV. I can reword this if it does not read well.

I would agree there is a lot of room to expand the story, especially when it comes to Quentin. One of the changes I've been kicking around is to use the exposition delivered by the hitchhikers to segue into a series of flashbacks which would briefly show Quentin's descent into madness and original killing spree. The biggest problem with expanding Quentin's back-story is finding a way to explain his resurrection and invincibility. After all, no explanation I could provide could withstand scrutiny.

I've also mentioned the problems I've had with coming up with kill scenes which fit the story. I do find it odd, however, that you would mention the banality of someone being stabbed in the chest. The only death scene which comes close to that description is when one character has a pitchfork thrust through her torso. That certainly didn't seem dull to me.

I mentioned earlier the lack of a main character or characters was intentional and why I elected to take this approach. I'm mot sure if it doesn't work or if it's such a rare choice it catches everyone off-guard. Still, I'll reflect on this as I kick ideas around for my next draft.

Thank you once again, James, and good luck with your writing as well.
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Majorgeneral316
Posted: December 15th, 2009, 5:02pm Report to Moderator
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Sorry about the long wait. I had a lot going on and I have only found time now, to read your script. Please forgive me. OK let’s start.

Jus t to start off, I have a few problems with dialogue. The kids Ben and Sarah , don’t talk like their age. Maybe it’s just me but that’s how I feel. It was kind of a shock when Sarah started smoking pot – but also interesting. I liked it. But I found it hard to distinguish who was the main character. All the characters seemed, I dunno, a bit similar – in the way everyone spoke as well.

I’m not the biggest slasher fan but I’ve seen a few and this sounded a bit familiar. It wasn’t original for me.  All of the kills were fine but not really creative in my opinion. I think more background for the main killer would help me feel something for him.

I can’t really complain too much about the description, grammar etc. The pacing was fine. Some of the dialogue was a bit too much for me. Break them up with actions of something to give the reader some belief.

Another thing is page 69 when you call Quentin ‘the serial killer’. This is just an example of this. It’s minor but there was no need to tell us he is a serial killer in the actions.  And I really didn’t like Quentin’s last words ‘I am invulnerable…indomitable….invincible…’.  Then Carol says ‘ well, I think he’s said enough’. These lines of dialogue are too common - a bit uninspiring. Sorry to sound harsh but I’m reviewing as a rookie screenwriter and film maker.

All in all the writing is OK but with story and character development, I feel you need more exciting and original material.

Cool.



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