Harmonica Man by D. E. Jett - Short - A group of Harmonica Men find their ultimate challenge in Jane, a beautiful brunette, who sets our story in motion when she exposes her naked body to the dreary outside world. 10 pages - doc, format

Not bad. I liked it but it looked like an eternity to finish.

You need to tighten the descriptions and the dialogue. There's too much in it for my taste.

E.g:

Jack is no match for Vincent and is easily overpowered.  Vincent proceeds to smash Jack’s head into the ground over and over.  As Vincent holds Jack’s face down into the mud, he grabs a large rock.  He winds up for the kill, a hair trigger away from smashing Jack into oblivion.  All of a sudden, Jack twists away and lands a lucky, but forceful, elbow to Vincent’s nose.  Blood spurts out over the earth.

Could be:

Vincent smashes Jack's head into the ground many times -- he grabs a large rock, barely lifting it.

Jack quickly moves from his position and punches Vincent's nose. Blood spurts out of his nose.

I'm not saying my example is the right one but its shorter, reads fast, and has the same information as yours.

Good luck!
Nik

Thanks for the suggestion. This was a three day project of mine last weekend and my first post here on the site. I'll definitely look at condensing and cutting some of the narrative on the 2nd go around.

I know there was alot of description, but were you able to see the story through to the end?

Anything missing in the plot or structure?

Thanks!

Dave

No complain with the story or the structure. It was fine by me.

Don't really have any suggestion regarding that. My only complain is what i told you before.

I'd suggest you to have some other members here read the script. They're better than me in suggesting you.

Take care

Anyone that can give me feedback/constructive criticism for this script would be greatly appreciated. I will return the favor, and read whatever you wanna throw my way. Thanks,

Dave

Hey Man

This was a great surrealistic read, fantastic piece. Your writing is extremely poetic, the descriptions vivid & eloquent.

The story itself was full of mystique I had no idea what direction is what going to take & even though it is a strange story, characters, setting etc I found myself drawn in almost immediately to this alternative world you created.

The dreamlike imagery & slanted angle on reality you have delved into is something I'm always interested in & you've done a great job with it.

Cutting to the strip club & seeing the familiar punters strewn around the club with Jane mesmerising them on the stage was masterful & a great twist on the story. I would love to see on screen & if given the necessary production values & effort you could make an ultra cool cerebral short that would appeal to anybody interested in artful cinema, a great example of innovative screen writing.

The only negative comments I have with this are easily remedied technical faults & formatting issues.

Four lines per descriptive paragraph is the recommended maximum. You just need to break up some of your longer passages.

You capitalise Harmonica Man twice in the first paragraph. Once is enough for any character when first introduced.

"Jane is a young woman in her early twenties" this could be shortened to just - Jane (early 20's) - (I saw this technique on the script for Memento so who is anybody to argue with that.)

If a character's dialogue is spilling into the next page have (CONT'D) beside the name on that next page. (see page 6-7)

Try and submit your work on pdf too its the common format here & if you are sending it to someone its more suitable as they can't tinker with it, I'm sure you are already aware of this.

One point in the strip club you say that "100's of customers" are panned out, that seems like an awful lot of people in a strip club at the one time. Plus I thought 'Ol Paul would get a mention too as one of the customers, we only see Vincent & Todd.

As I said all of the above criticisms can be easily rectified & are only superficial problems.

Overall this was a fascinating read, very imaginative. Really loved the dark tone of the story. I'll be lookin out for more of your work in the future, check out mine too if you get a chance.

Cheers.

Col.

Thanks bud, I made some comments on "A seven backed up by a two" - Nice title by the way!

I'll definitely use .pdf from now on.

I've already copyrighted Harmonica Man through the US copyright office, so I have protection there but you are right and you never can be too careful. Thanks for the suggestions. I'll use them!

Dave

Okay, title is intriguing. What do you use to type scripts? Because for some reason, the first scene heading is on the title page. A proper scriptwriting software should correct that...

Your descriptions are extremely vivid, and flow beautifully. However, space is crucial in shorts, and I feel that sometimes your descriptions were too long, and could have been slimmed down. There is a general rule that action shouldn't be more than 4 lines in length - the more white space on a page, the better.

"JANE exits the shower and wraps herself in a long white towel. Jane is a young women in her early twenties; a toned brunette of medium height with bright blue eyes."

Could simply become:

"JANE (early twenties) exits the shower and wraps a white towel around her toned, medium height body."

You see how much space that saves? Just a suggestion... now onto your story.

Page 3- "This Harmonica Man is Todd"- Todd should be capitalized, as this is the first time we meet him. Same thing on page 4- Vincent and Jack need to be capitalized when we first meet them.

The descriptions of Vincent and Jack, as vivid and excellent as they are, are extremely too detailed. You already tell us that Jack is soft spoken, so there is no need to tell us that he has a soft voice. Also, show, don't tell. How do we know that Vincent is the leader of the pack? How do we know that Jack has an easy tempperament? As far as I can see, both men act the same- they are both sitting around a fire, playing their harmonicas.

What's that large white space near the bottom of page 6?

The fight on page 10 is described in way too much detail... It could definitely be shorteded. It just takes up unnecessary space mate.


Okay, I finished the script... and what can I say? I loved it. Really great short here mate. Very imaginitive, and well written. Congratulations mate, you've definitely got talent.

The dialogue flowed well, but, I noticed that Todd and Vincent spoke too much alike... try and give them a bit more of an own individual voice. I know that people usually hang around with people who do speak similiar to them, but yeah, it was a little too similar. Not a real complaint, just something for you to think about.

And I see you asked about the structure of the script... I thought it was perfect. Because shorts are as the name suggests, short, there is no definite rule of structure... I personally prefer shorts that are innovative with structure. If I had to make a complaint about the structure, it would be that the first half was too long, compared to the strip club part. No biggie, just a thought.

My only real complaint with the script is your descriptions/ the action... atlhought beautifully, and elequantly written, they need to be slimmed down. Need to be written more concise. Your script was 13 pages, which, I reckon could easily be slimmed down to about 11 pages if you slimmed down your descriptions.

But yeah, this was an excellent script. Keep this writing up, and post some more scripts mate. I'd love to read them!

Cheers, Toby.

Hey Jett,

Welcome to Simplyscripts, glad to have you here.

Now to your story--

My first response to reading your script would be to cut and
trim things that may tighten your story. You have paragraphs and
paragraphs and no producer/reader would want to read that.

However, what is written is very imaginative and certainly inspired. Things
certainly came out in a definitive point of view.

I enjoyed your story but you made it tricky with what it is now.

Good luck with everything.

-Bryan

This is a very interesting script. I love when things get weird!

I don't there is anything wrong with the structure but I have a suggestion. I think the reason it started to drag was that the climax was talked about halfway through the script when the three H-Men are sitting around the fire discussing who is Jane's man. It takes too long to actually get to it after that. I was reading and found myself wanting it to end, which is never good.

Maybe play around with the order. A fun read, but would cost a LOT to make what with people setting themselves on fire and all.

James

BRYMO

Thanks for the warm welcome! Just from the feedback I've received so far, I can definitely agree with you on the point about producers and readers wanting things more concise and to the point. I'll definitely revise Harmonica Man. I've already come up with a new title!

Anyways, I'll probably keep the detailed versions on hand. Who knows right? If I direct this one down the road it might be good for reference sake.


JAMES

Thanks for the input. Could you be more specific with which scenes you think need to be trimmed? Do you mean the conversation around the fire? The scene with Jack playing for Jane alone? The fight scene? Which part(s) dragged?

Thanks

Dave

Most of the descriptions can be shortened. The lines around the fire are OK, though they also seem like a series of mini monologues. The whole thing needs to be tightened up, really.

Also, if Jack is our protag, shouldn't he be introduced right away?

I thought of another idea, since the strip club seemed to come out of nowhere. Maybe you can cut back and forth between scenes in the club and scenes in the fantasy world and its all just happening in Jack's head. Maybe the scenes could set each other up and it would flow a little better. Just an idea.

Hope some of this helps!

James