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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Medical Center Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: November 18th, 2008, 10:41pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Medical Center by Mehred Javid - Short, Horror - This is A Horror movie about a woman who killed herself with her child. 19 pages - doc, format


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rjbelair
Posted: January 4th, 2009, 12:31pm Report to Moderator
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This script is very confusing for several reasons.  First, the formatting is so far off from what it should be that it made my eyes hurt to read it.  Purchase a standard foramatting guide, or use screenplay software to put this in a readable format.  Next, as you probably know, the writing itself is in very broken english.  Try to find someone who is a native speaker work with you to correct the spelling, word usage, and grammar problems.  

Finally, the story itself was very jumpy and disjointed.  This might not be so bad if all the other elements are corrected, but I had no idea what was happening, what Sara was trying to accomplish, or what the people at the Medical Center were trying to do.  I had no way of separating what was real and what was a dream.  This might have been the effect you were going for, but it didn't make for a very satisfying experience from an audience point of view.

Keep working at it and good luck.



Why do things that only happen to stupid people keep happening to me?

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Tommyp
Posted: January 5th, 2009, 3:58am Report to Moderator
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Continuity Is For Pussies...

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I haven't read all of this... it was too painful. Please read a screenwriting book of some sort, and get some software. Or write it in word... just make it look like every other script out there.

If English is not your main language, maybe write the script in your language so you can really say what you want to say. There were many lines in this, action and dialogue which were a letdown to the actual story. For example in the first line, it would be better to have "SARA (27). Introduce each character in capitals before they talk. Don't put the title in the script. Don't use camera direction like "close up of...". Don't use random capital letters, eg, "Close up On Sara's Bloody Face."

Anyway that's the first page. I hope I have helped a bit. Maybe another draft of this would help. Also you can cut down lots of the action lines as they aren't needed.


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