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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Clementine Moderators: bert
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  Author    Clementine  (currently 2095 views)
Don
Posted: November 22nd, 2008, 7:28am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Clementine by Stephen Brown - Short, Noir, Thriller - A protective father looks back at his daughter's wedding night, a night he will never forget. 7 pages - pdf, format


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NiK
Posted: November 22nd, 2008, 1:42pm Report to Moderator
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Ste,

Not sure about this one. I liked the dialogue but i had no interest in the story and i don't know if i got it right. Why did Clementine fight with Sam?

I like the part of dad protecting daughter, but in my opinion Terrence should have done something more about the fact that she killed her husband. Just think, what would a father do in that situation? Not sure if would do what Terrence did in the script.

Your writing is good, but this time it failed on me.

Cheers



Gift of Blood - NEW! co-written tonkatough
Where?
Anniversary

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BryMo
Posted: November 22nd, 2008, 1:58pm Report to Moderator
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Wasn't your best, but it was still good in my opinion.

I mean the girl was cheated on. I would've resorted to more "creative" measures to make sure my man(if i, uhh, went that way) wouldn't cheat. That's where i was dissapointed.

I maybe would've liked to see more creative measures taken.

Anyway, either way its a good job.


Shorts:
Good Golly Miss Molly
No Place Like Home
New Moon Rising
Yuno - BRAND-*SPANKIN*-NEW!
The Ballad of Uncle Sam: An Anarchists Melody
Toy Soldier
This Modern Love
A Virgin State of Mind

A GUIDE TO MY LITERARY BABIES
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tonkatough
Posted: November 22nd, 2008, 2:43pm Report to Moderator
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This is the second script I read from you that has that noir quality Is this a genre you feel confortable to write in?

Cool idea how you have the visuals tell the story and no dialouge except the voice over.  very striking.

This is a very simple story, but thou it might not look like much on paper, and yeah it is pretty ordinary, it is the foundation for what could be something special.  I reckon  a director and cinematographer (or whatever they're called) could have a blast with moody lighting and artistic composition to create dramamtic visuals to tell your story.  


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jayrex
Posted: November 22nd, 2008, 2:47pm Report to Moderator
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Cut to three weeks earlier

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Hi Ste,

Not bad.  Interesting.  I had to re-read it to see if the voice-overs worked, and I think they do.  I'm not sure how the thugs found out about Sam's dead body.  My only lingering thought.

It seems like you're putting more into the description in this script compared with previous works.  Sometimes I felt was a little too much.

Aside from that, it was good.

All the best,


Javier


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alffy
Posted: November 22nd, 2008, 4:33pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Ste

Your descriptions were great here and the V.O. worked well too. I have to second Javier's comment though, how did the thugs know about Sam's body if it's still in the car?

I liked this and thought it was a good little short. Not the most original story but it worked well, nice work.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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stebrown
Posted: November 23rd, 2008, 6:45am Report to Moderator
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Thanks everyone

Yeah, I'm trying a few noir scripts at the moment. This one's been lingering on my computer for a couple of months. Decided to give it another edit and then post it. This was mainly just a writing exercise for myself.

Terence called someone up to help him get rid of the body - based on the start, he wasn't expecting a call back. That was down to his 'guy' selling him out.

I don't know if this needs more explaining in the script, or if there's just enough info.

I showed it to someone and they were asking what had happened to Clementine? So I thought that would be the question from most people.

Anyway, cheers


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Colkurtz8
Posted: November 24th, 2008, 12:04pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Ste

There is a lot of potential here. The majority of the above posts make good points & I think you'll learn alot from them. I too found the outcome of Clementine(or lack of) a little unsatisfying since the piece is named after her.

Your dialogue was spot on. Even though we know very little about Terrence I became involved with him especially since he got left in the lurch by the guy on the phone. He is inherently a good person, just got caught up in this unfortunate situation. I think it's fair to say in a twisted kind of way that he his intentions are good here, he is protecting his "one & only daughter"

I particularly liked your prose throughout the piece, contrary to Jayrex I found your descriptive language economical yet I could visualise the scene & what was going on.


Good work

Col.


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stebrown
Posted: November 26th, 2008, 5:25am Report to Moderator
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Cheers Col

Pleased you liked the descriptions. I'll certainly take all the comments into account when it comes to revising this.


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James R
Posted: December 1st, 2008, 2:28pm Report to Moderator
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This is a great short script for characters and description. I wonder if the VOs are even necessary. Much of what is said in them could be conveyed through facial expressions and body language. It might make it seem more moody too.

Quoted from stebrown
Terence called someone up to help him get rid of the body - based on the start, he wasn't expecting a call back. That was down to his 'guy' selling him out.

I liked the script, but I totally didn't get this part of it. I think it could be explained a little more clearly.

Great idea, great script. I don't think a father's love can be explained any better than this. No need for more words. Good job.

James


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stebrown
Posted: December 2nd, 2008, 6:48am Report to Moderator
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Thanks James

Sounds interesting going without a VO, I'll certainly experiment with that.

Terence says 'Nobody said anything about any fucking phone call.' Then follows it up with 'that was the precise moment I knew I'd been had.' Do you think having a scene or two, showing the otherside of this - the person setting him up - would help?

I did like this script, so I may well work on it some more.

Cheers again


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Toby_E
Posted: December 2nd, 2008, 12:38pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Ste,

This was an awesome script. I'm a real fan of noir flicks, so this was a very enjoyable read. Firstly, I loved the opening scene of the script. Loved the descriptions of the cigarette smoking... friggin' awesome stuff mate. Your descriptions were perfect throughout... Some people have saiod that they were too long in places; I have to disagree. I thought they were the perfect length.

I noticed a typo - "Guess" from Terrence's V.O. on the first page of your script needs a capital- "guess it didn’t really register at the time."


Quoted from stebrown
Terence called someone up to help him get rid of the body - based on the start, he wasn't expecting a call back. That was down to his 'guy' selling him out.

I don't know if this needs more explaining in the script, or if there's just enough info.


Yeah mate, make it a bit more explicit. Don't show a scene with the guy setting him up... Maybe change Terrence's dialogue to something like this:

                              TERENCE(V.O)
                Ya see, I was told to meet someone.
                In this town, in this hotel...in
                this very room. They were supposed
                to help me get rid of something.
                Something important. Something that
                I didn't want being linked back to me.

Or something along the lines of that... Then straight away we know that the person who Terrence is phoning up was meant to help him dispose of something, but there will still be an air of mystery, as we won't know what he is meant to be disposing.

And I would do one final scene to show the outcome of Clementine. The script is named after her, and she is way too important to just disappear into the background at the end. If you want her to die, maybe have like a final shot of the Thugs opening their trunk, and Clementine's body being in it. Or something like that. Don't make it a long scene- but I just felt a bit cheated when we didn't see any more of Clementine.

But yeah, this was a great script. I really enjoyed it. It reminded me of Sin City comics in a way... I could imagine it being filmed like that.

But keep up this good work, this was excellent. And thanks for your feed on my script 'A Long Way From Heaven', you gave me some useful pointers, which I have already edited into my script!

Cheers, Toby.


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stebrown
Posted: December 2nd, 2008, 5:56pm Report to Moderator
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Cheers Toby, pleased you liked it.

Yeah, I've decided to write another draft of this. You know, there are two scripts that I've just sat down and started to write without having any idea what it was going to be about, just kinda going with the flow. One is this one, and the other is Big Stakes in my sig. Just weird that both of them have, in general, been received the best.

I think you're probably right about the scene setting up the double-cross. Terence is telling the story, so I guess I should be staying with him. I'll have a think about this one.

Thanks for your thoughts.


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rc1107
Posted: December 4th, 2008, 8:41pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Ste.  Long time no talk.

Sorry, I've been kind of out of the Simply Scripts loop the past couple months, working mainly on short stories and now I'm doing research for a novel.  I plan on turning those short stories into scripts, though, so I'll be spending a lot more time around here and I'll be reading more of your stuff that I missed.

First of all...  Wow, what an improvement since the last of the stuff that I read from you.  Not that your stuff I read before was bad in the slightest, but right away, there's barely any faults or structural errors and everything reads crisp and clear.

I really liked how all the action dialogue is mit of sound and the brunt of the story is told in voiceover.  It gives it a different feel than other stories like this.

It kind of did get a little confusing with how the thugs appeared out of nowhere and the person who was supposed to help him get rid of the body.  Maybe an idea is to start it out with Terrence on the phone with the Disposer.  Still keep it mit of sound, but maybe show the Disposer on the phone talking to Terrence while he's at a restaurant, sitting across from Donatoni Collini himself, or at the wedding.  Then, instead of two unknown thugs, we can see a show down between Terrence and Donatoni himself.  It is his son, afterall.  I'd like the personal vengeance.

Just an idea, though.  The story is really good and works.

As for Clementine, I think the brutal way she assaulted Sam showed more than enough of her powerful character to name the story after her.  Or you could bring her back and save her father's life since he essentially saved hers.  Or avenge his death.

I'd give June a short introduction, though, and maybe name Terrence's wife.  If one weren't careful, it almost reads like Sam slept with Clementine's mom.  I think that's where a lot of confusion was coming from.

Welp, I think that's all I could think of for right now.  Like I said, I'll read some of your stuff I missed over the past 8 or 9 months and I'll talk to you later.

- Mark


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Cam17
Posted: December 5th, 2008, 5:14am Report to Moderator
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I liked this script and you definitely have a crisp but descriptive writing style.  The story poses the interesting question of how far a father would go to protect his daughter.  The only problem I had with it was how abruptly it ended.  It felt rushed.  For a story called "Clementine," we never really find out what happened to the title character.

As it neared the end, I guess I was waiting for Clementine to sit up from the back seat and gun down the two thugs, showing just what kind of she-devil she really was.  Then she and her father would be on the run for the rest of their lives.  I think you could actually make a feature length script of this story if you wanted to.



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