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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Action/Adventure Scripts  ›  The Dark Knight Returns Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Dark Knight Returns  (currently 2639 views)
Don
Posted: December 3rd, 2008, 10:50pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Dark Knight Returns by Austin Maggs - Action - Four years after "The Dark Knight," Bruce Wayne has now given up his identity as Batman after being pursued by the Gotham PD for a crime he didn't commit. The Joker escapes from prison to start a new reign of terror while Harvey Dent appears to be alive and well, while planning to kill The Joker and Batman as revenge. It gets more complicated for Batman when Catwoman begins her crime spree. 77 pages - doc, format


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Jayden Creighton
Posted: December 11th, 2008, 1:54am Report to Moderator
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Heya, i didn't read too far into it ...
Got to the bit where Joker lights Batman and the mob bosses on fire,
What really took away from the script for me was some of the traits that seemed very out of character for Bruce - and Harvey too.
Example.. when Bruce says that he will squeeze in the interview (wasnt really a big deal, but he keeps to himself mostly - it doesn't seem like he would do that)
As for Dent, had he have lived in The Dark Knight, he would still follow the morality of chance (I don't think he would offer to kill Batman and Joker for money, considering he already had his chance to shoot Joker in the film and denied it)
I hope to read more into this though and see what ideas you had for Catwoman... I'm hoping she isn't just a petty burgular in a sexy suit.
All in all it is well written so far and I will read on to see where it goes.
Keep writing, muchlove, Jayden
  


ED .
FEVER DREAMS
THE DOORS ARE CLOSED                                                                            
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MaGGS
Posted: December 12th, 2008, 7:05pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Jayden, I read your comment. I'm Austin (writer of The Dark Knight Returns) and I appreciate your input on the screenplay.
Do you have any scripts on here that I can read and give you my opinion?
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Jayden Creighton
Posted: December 13th, 2008, 1:50am Report to Moderator
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Hey Austin... yeah I have a few shorts up here which I would appreciate any feedback you could give me -

They are written at the bottom of every comment I give. I'd offer a link, but I'm a noob with computers haha.

Anyways, I read the rest of your script and I have to say I didn't mind it. Again, Batman is a little out of character when his thoughts are of killing his enemies - but hey that must be a thought every hero faces one time or another.

I liked the climatic scene, the setting of the graveyard is nice and eerie, which goes hand in hand with Nolans 'darker' interpretation of the Batman franchise.

Couldn't really give you much more criticism as I'm an inspiring writer myself, but keep writing and you work will continue to improve.

Nice job,
Muchlove, Jayden   


ED .
FEVER DREAMS
THE DOORS ARE CLOSED                                                                            
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MaGGS
Posted: December 13th, 2008, 2:22pm Report to Moderator
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Alright I'll give you feedback on both.

Thank you For the comments on it. I was trying to do what I felt was similar to Nolan's work, too.

Yeah, I'm doing my best on improving.

How long have you been writing?

--Austin
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GoreGore84
Posted: December 13th, 2008, 5:47pm Report to Moderator
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Hey MaGGS,

I gave this a read the other day, and i gotta say i liked it. It read at a fast pace, but i noticed some mistake. You had the following in an a action line. " Bruce starts thinking about Selena " . Remember write only what can be filmed . You could have him look at her business card or something of that affect.

I liked the joker's ,"Magic trick" that you wrote in the screenplay. Overall the joker in your screenplay felt similar to the Nolan's version. I myself just got into writing fan-fic(Dead she said comic) & (A prequal of the stephen king short story, " The Crate" ). I started writing screenplays when i was 18 and at 24 still learning. I don't have any scripts up on this site, but that's because most are either being rewritten or in the process of being written.
Keep writing!

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GoreGore84  -  December 13th, 2008, 11:39pm
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NiK
Posted: December 14th, 2008, 5:22am Report to Moderator
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Hi Mag,

It took me awhile to finish it but i did somehow.

I think your version is very different from that of Chris Nolan, for many particular reasons. I don't like having Two Face again in the script for some reasons, his storyline was finished with TDK so i think he's useless.

I actually like Joker, you did it good and in my head i was visioning Heath Ledger saying those words, and it did work. Yes.

I've become to hate Catwoman damn you Halle Berry or better say the writer who did that script. Your Catwoman was different thank God, and that's a good thing.

My advice is this, you will have no chance getting this made, even though i know you know this. But the good thing about this is that it could really make a great comic book that could sell. Have you read Batman RIP. I didn't like it. Your version is far better.

I have to congratulate you.
Best.
Nik



Gift of Blood - NEW! co-written tonkatough
Where?
Anniversary

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MaGGS
Posted: December 14th, 2008, 1:53pm Report to Moderator
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Nik that is very good advice man. I appreciate that very much.
I think I will try and turn it into a comic book.

Do you have anything I can read of yours on here?
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dogglebe
Posted: December 18th, 2008, 11:05pm Report to Moderator
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I didn't read this, Austin, but I can see a problem with the script and that's too many villains.  This, IMHO, was a major reason why the last franchise died.  It got too busy.  Imagine if the Riddler was in TDK as well as the Joker.  The Joker would've had that much less screen time, resulting in less character developement and interaction between him and the Batman.

Something to think about.


Phil
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A.S. Kelly
Posted: May 2nd, 2009, 9:46am Report to Moderator
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Obviously this script is too short, I gather you know that, but it was a good read. You've got a well written script here, so good job. I like the similarities between your Joker and Nolan's, but I can't say that I'm much of a Catwoman fan, I've just never liked that character so I can't get to like her in this story, sorry. As for Dent, I'm pretty sure he didn't actually die in The Dark Knight and that he will be back.
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Baltis.
Posted: May 3rd, 2009, 1:16am Report to Moderator
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A ton of small problems in this script that could lead into bigger ones if you continue writing this way...

1 - You don't display the characters FULL NAME every cue. Just once and then their screen name.

2 - CUT TO: Is always on the left side of the screen. Not the right.

3 - Never write more than 4 lines per paragraph. If you can't say it in 3 push it to 4, but no more. Try to shoot for 2 or 3 at all times. People don't want to read screenplays... They're not brilliant works of art. Not by any standard. They are simply blue prints. They are not novels. Remember the more white you see the better you will be.

That is just the tip of the ice berg for you... But your story is "riddled" -- forgive the pun -- with sloppy character work.

Bruce Wayne isn't a "nice" guy. He's a brooding, rich prick with tons of toys and time... He might be passionate about stopping crime but he isn't going out of his way for the fellow man in his day to day life cos he knows deep down inside the evil in man is what made him.  For him to even suggest fitting in an interview and putting on an RSVP whatever for whoever... no. That's probably not going to work.

Harvey Dent ... His dialogue is borderline horrible. "I'm going to punish them two for you but I need 2 million to do it" ???  Please. Cookie cutting your way through the pan.

Joker ... His openign scene dialogue was a scene you stole from TDK... With him counting down and all. C'mon... you can do better than that, right?

When Alfred hands Bruce the paper he says "Another boring day in Gotham" yet... this is the same paper with the news of the Joker's escape. Mmmmkkk, man.

"Selena Kyle is average height and athletic with long red hair. She unzips her bag and reveals a whip and a black leather cat costume. She then dresses up, revealing her to be Catwoman." -- That whole bit should be more imaginative. This is probably why people are saying they don't like her in your script. you gave them this as an introduction. Just saying...

Then this happens ...

CATWOMAN:
You feel strong picking on helpless little women?

MUGGER:
What the hell do you want?

CATWOMAN:
Nothing!


We seen this in Batman Returns. The dialogue and scene to boot. Why do this? Be more creative... We know other movies and media have been created from Batman, but new material isn't hard to come by in these instances.

"BRUCE WAYNE:
Alfred, I don’t know what to do here. He’s going to continue what he started and put Gotham through his games like he did. He’s going to want to kill Gordon and Batman."


What is this? This reads like you were one of the original writers on Leave it to Beaver. I'm not trying to bash your writing or the time and effort you put into this piece, but it's just when you undertake "FAN FICTION" you run the risk of missing too many marks.  Remember "DUCK HUNT" for the nintendo? Remember when you missed so many the game would end? Well, that's what happened here. The game ended for me cos there was just too many missed instances.  I stopped reading on the above dialogue.

I'm not saying you don't write well cos' you do. You just need to clearly find your own voice and not "FAN FIC" material. It's just not something you're probably ever going to pin down. It's hard... I hate "FAN FIC" scripts and normally would never read one, but my nerves are racing right now and it's late and I needed something to do...

I've written 5 scripts in my life that were "FAN FICTION" and would probably never sacrifice my own ideas for something that had no chance again.  

I've wrote a -  "Resident Evil script" - "Super Mario Bros script" - "Friday the 13th script" - "Texas Chainsaw Massacre script" & "Flash script"  ... They were all to serve one purpose in my writing life, and that was to make a better script than what I seen on the screen.  I like to think I succeeded.  

Moral of the story, only write if it speaks to you. If this script is something that makes you proud of, then ignore everyone's comments and be happy with what you've done. If you're wanting to make it better, please... take the advice and make a kick ass original work next time.

Good luck with your writing!  

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Script Shooters
Posted: May 5th, 2009, 1:42pm Report to Moderator
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Austin Maggs,



Read your script and must say it's a decent attempt but thats probably all it is for now. You a lot of signs of being unexperienced. Your writing as posted before does steal a lot from the previous movies.

The thing is, if you are going to adapt a screenplay off a series that is already set in motion, go from your own ideas. Don't steal anything from any of the movies. Hell, don't even watch the movies if at all your going to try to take ideas off of the movies.

Your characters are really off in my opinion. You try to hard on the 'licking lips' part of The Joker, when really that is more of an actors thing.

Then on to another part that bugged me?Why does it seem like everytime one of the characters in the second or third scene was always screaming?By characters I mean Alfred and Bruce. Thanks for the paper! Another boring issue of Gotham's News! It really seems out of character.

I really think if you want to do a captivating adapted story, research it heavily online in research databases like Wikipedia or simply read a few books. When I did my The Guardian Knight script, I read tons of books, read tons of databases so I could correctly capture the characters and not through out useless puns.

This being said all you need to do is some more research and write a bit slower on your work. Take the advice given by me and the other users and use it to your advantage to create a kick ass story.


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