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Punch and Judy by Rick Kinsella (decadencefilms'37.com) - Short, Thriller - A savagely good suspense thriller that asks the question; Is it possible to change the world with a puppet show? 17 pages - pdf, format
As soon as I saw the title for this one I knew straight off who it belonged to. (yeah I confess, I've been stalking your website for over a year now.)
Hi Rick and thanks for giving us at SS the oportunity to read it.
This story you have here is just gross and sick and evil. The writing for this was very nice. I like very much.
The ending was very obvious- sort of. You could see where this was going but that's what made it so compelling. Because you just didn't want to go there. You have the first half of the script where a Punch and Judy scene is acted out and you could see early on that Thomas was going to go all "Punch and Judy" on his family with some sort of whack whacker.
But once you knew where you were going and the script got there I just felt the act of violence felt restrained and didn't live up to the build up you create for most of the script. You go to so much trouble building up the anticpation of the Punch violence, why have the actual act happen off screen like it is something to be ashamed of? I wanna see Joans skull collapse under the impact of the bat and see her face cave in. Take out the kid too.
But I have seen one of your short films and I know as a director you will crank up the drama and emotional intensity and make this story truely horrible and distressing to watch.
Now the one problem I did have with this was the page length. I just felt you could reel it in a bit and tighten the story up just a bit. As it is, it's just stretched out a bit. I feel the story you have does not warrent so many pages as you have.
Another thing to mention, it not important but I felt the last bit at the end where Thomas reveal his ambition should be done in a zany imitation of Punch and have Thomas perform like a caricture of Punch puppet rather then as himself with the big villian speech.
But yeah awesome script and love the concept of where art becomes life.
Hey Rick, I loved the visuals in this script. Some really sinister images you created with the light etc. One of my favourite films is an Anthony Hopkins film called 'Magic', I saw similarities with this script here.
The story itself is quite predictable. I mean, you know that it's going to end in a real life punch and judy by the end of the first couple of pages. I don't see that as a major problem but I would maybe take it a little further. I just felt the end was a bit of a let down. I thought you could have done more with Timmy in the end - not kill or hurt him but maybe have Thomas force him to take the final shot at his Mom. You know, to prove who's side he's on.
The writing was superb and I imagine (you're a writer/director yeah?) you're going to be filming this yourself. I think you've got a very good, low budget horror movie here. My only real thought is to work on the ending a little. Glenn may have a point about the page count too.
Cheers for the reads. Thought I'd give you all a chance for revenge.
Glenn,
"The ending was very obvious- sort of. You could see where this was going but that's what made it so compelling"
Yeah, it's very predictable. That as unavoidable I think. One thing that i think I've made a mistake with is to have the Punch and Judy Professsor as the protagonist. Looking at it now, I think the story should have been told from Joan's point of view, so we care more about what happens to her.
"But once you knew where you were going and the script got there I just felt the act of violence felt restrained and didn't live up to the build up you create for most of the script. You go to so much trouble building up the anticpation of the Punch violence, why have the actual act happen off screen like it is something to be ashamed of? I wanna see Joans skull collapse under the impact of the bat and see her face cave in. Take out the kid too. "
Interesting comment, because that's exactly how the script ended up until very recently. I put it in as a pitch and decided to tone it down at the last minute because I couldn't see them giving me money for killing a kid! The kid and his mum were used as a living puppet show then killed.
Clearly the rest of the film still sets that up. I think I'll restore the savagery judging by the comments.
"Now the one problem I did have with this was the page length. I just felt you could reel it in a bit and tighten the story up just a bit. As it is, it's just stretched out a bit. I feel the story you have does not warrent so many pages as you have."
Yeah. The problem I've always had with this script is that a nice family man goes pyscho very quickly. It's difficult to have such a dramatic character arc over just a few pages and each time I've attempted it, it seems unbelievable to a jarring degree. If you've got any suggestions on where to make cuts, fire away.
"Another thing to mention, it not important but I felt the last bit at the end where Thomas reveal his ambition should be done in a zany imitation of Punch and have Thomas perform like a caricture of Punch puppet rather then as himself with the big villian speech."
That's the intention anyway. By the end he's even dressed as Punch (He puts the clothes on for his big show).
"The story itself is quite predictable. I mean, you know that it's going to end in a real life punch and judy by the end of the first couple of pages. I don't see that as a major problem but I would maybe take it a little further. I just felt the end was a bit of a let down. I thought you could have done more with Timmy in the end - not kill or hurt him but maybe have Thomas force him to take the final shot at his Mom. You know, to prove who's side he's on."
Yeah, I think I'll have to take the film to its natural conclusion and make it more horrific. Interesting point about Timmy. That's one thing that never occurred to me. That fits in with the theme perfectly.
Yeah Rick, I got a suggestion where to make cuts. During Editing the footage in post production.
And what I meant by cuts was just shave off a bit here and a bit there. Like for example I think Joan tell her husband he waste his time play with doll just one to many. Just little thing like that, shave a bit off until you drop a page or two.
Good to see that you've posted something. Overall I thought it would play pretty well on film. I don't really think the length is that much of an issue. You have a lot of detail in there that is stretching the page count but since you are shooting this yourself, you kind of would want that detail in there.
I think that it's going to be pretty obvious while watching this film that this is going to be a real life Punch and Judy. So, my first suggestion is, since you already have Joan - why not give Thomas a name starting with P. This way they are P and J all the way.
My second and last issue is a bit harder to pinpoint. It has to do with characters. I think Thomas is well-developed as a character.
Little Timmy is not. I know the baby usually isn't in Commedia but I don't think you intended this to be pure Commedia and Timmy is an important character. Since he has to make an important choice, I would like to see more of his relationship with his mother.
Joan, herself, is an interesting character. However, since at the end it seems to me that you want us to sympatise with her, I think you might need to set her up slightly differently. Once again she hits the Judy character spot-on, nagging her husband, etc. But by the time we get to the end, I didn't have any sympathy for her. I think she needs to be bit more understanding up front so we have a reason to feel for her later.
That's it. Nicely done. I look forward to seeing the film.
"Little Timmy is not. I know the baby usually isn't in Commedia but I don't think you intended this to be pure Commedia and Timmy is an important character. Since he has to make an important choice, I would like to see more of his relationship with his mother."
Yeah. i agree. It's hard to find a balance between keeping it short and fully developing the characters. The story isn't strong enough for a longer film, but it's hard to develop three sympathetic characters in a short space. I left Timmy as a symbol of the future rather than trying to develop him as a character, but I'll have another look at it.
"Joan, herself, is an interesting character. However, since at the end it seems to me that you want us to sympatise with her, I think you might need to set her up slightly differently. Once again she hits the Judy character spot-on, nagging her husband, etc. But by the time we get to the end, I didn't have any sympathy for her. I think she needs to be bit more understanding up front so we have a reason to feel for her later."
Again, I think you're right. The script has been through an almost infinite number of changes in terms of the story line. It's got to a point where I'm trying to give it one last shot before i bin it forever.
The story that it's settled on should actually be written from Joans point of view. She's the antagonist at the moment, the obstacle to the main characters goals. It should be the other way round. She should be trying to save the family and her crazy husband is destroying it.
I've had more problems with this script than all the others I've written put together. I was trying to bend it into what I wanted as a filmmaker rather than just telling the story as it should naturally develop. I was aware that the basement scenes would have great visual atmosphere, but that the atmosphere would drop badly when it went upstairs, so I tried to tell the story from downstairs up if you like.
I had problems with this script from the very beginning. Problems with the formatting and with the story.
SPOILER SPACE
Your first line of description: A puppeteers workshop. It resembles a mad professors Laboratory just doesn't make sense to me. A mad scientist's lab should have the test tubes and jars and computers and those things that contstantly give off sparks. A puppeteers workshop (whether insane or not) should be filled with various carpentry tools and hundreds of puppet heads whose eyes follow you around the room.
A few paragraphs later, you wrote As he holds it up, the puppet is silhouetted in light that shines from candles. This leads me to believe that the story takes place a long time ago. This caused confusion for me when Thomas later talked about single mothers and disrespectful kids. It wasn't until the television was mentioned that I accepted that this script took place in present day.
I also think you should include your characters' ages when you describe them. I pictured Thomas being in his seventies when you introduced him.
WTF is a swazzle? Really! And the electric fire? WTF?
On page 13, I think you described Thomas impersonating Joan incorrectly. It should be more like this:
THOMAS (CONT'D) (mimicking Joan) We need the money Thomas... It's just a story Thomas. It's violent, misogynistic. (normal) Every turn you've been there stopping me. Whispering in my ear like the Devil himself.
On page 16, Thomas tells Joan that she will be the first disciple of a new religion. Shouldn't that be martyr?
On the same page, you wrote Timmy walks reluctantly behind his father. Thomas films him as he walks towards him. How does Thomas film his son who's walking up behind him? This confused me.
The story was a good one, though I thought it draged on a bit. Joan sounded like a stuck record, telling Thomas about their circumstances. I think that, if you were trim the fat away, you could cut five pages from it.
Characterization, I thought, was good. Thomas was well developed and I saw the relation between him and his wife. Timmy was very natural as a child; I'm glad that he didn't try to be a hero at the end. I thought the ending, however, needed a little better pay off.
I've basically ballsed up the entire opening scene. I changed it for a pitch at the last minute and I've put numerous problems in by doing so.
The first line was trying to suggest exactly what you wrote. I can see your problem with it. It's like Frankensteins laboratory but with Puppets and carpentry tools instead of test tubes, scalpels and body parts.
The point about the time frame is understandable. On screen it will be obvious it's set in the present day. The candles are because he's a traditionalist, it's just a symbol of his old way of thinking.
The point about the ages is again a correct one. They've just been lost as I've moved stuff around. It's a result of the fact I know what they'll look like so I just got to the point that I forgot I needed them for other peoples benefit.
The electric fire is missing in the opening scene as well. He turns it on when he sits down.
Fair point about Timmy's walk. Geographically he is hugging his mother in the scene, in front of Thomas. He then walks behind Thomas and Thomas films him during the action. I'll make that more easily understood.
"Joan sounded like a stuck record, telling Thomas about their circumstances"
The problem I've had with this script is that I've been trying to bend it to fit circumstances. I wanted to shoot a film in one location so that I could concentrate on lighting and atmosphere. I started writing this damn thing about two years ago.
Because he never leaves the house, the only antagonists become his own sanity and his wife. So it's hard to give him a reason to mentally degrade without it being expositional if you take away the antagonism from his wife.
If I was writing it without a limit on location, we would see him take his show on the road and see the reaction to it of the public and that would replace the need for the antagonism from Joan.
It's been a script that every time I've corrected one problem, another two have appeared in its place.
Everyone seems a little disappointed with the ending, so I'll stiffen that up considerably.
If you can be bothered I'd be interested to see the specific cuts you'd make.
Rick.
P.S A swazzle is a reed like device used by Punch and Judy Professors in their shows to distort their voice. Apparently, unless you use a swazzle in your show, then the proper Punch and Judy Professors don't consider it an actual Punch and Judy show, it's just a Puppet show.
I've been thinking about this and was wondering how it might be if you went totally pure on the Commedia with it. Instead of worrying about all the modern emotional bang, what if you went for an more authentic Punch and Judy experience?
You could start the story in the middle of the story, so to speak. Don't show us that their financial problems are building. Show us that they've been around for a while.
I saw that you were trying to keep the locations at a minimum, and it worked.
E-mail me the script, as a doc or fdr file, so I can play with it.
I'll guess I'll be the first one to say I have no idea who Punch and Judy are. Never heard of them before... Just wasn't big in Sweden I guess...
Anyway, I liked the story and I liked how it escalated at a steady pace throughout all the way into complete insanity.
I agree with Cornetto that I would have liked to feel sympathy with Joan in the end. I did a little bit, but she seemed like a nagging bitch in the beginning and I had a hard time to get on her side in the end.
I do disagree with Cornetto about Timmy though. Even though I didn't "know" him real well, he was the one I was concerned for and felt strongly about when he had to watch his mother getting beaten to death. I didn't like that part at all. A mother thing, I guess.
About the length of the script, I didn't have a problem with it at all. I think it would automatically be at least three pages or so shorter if you had been a little tighter in your writing. At the same time your writing could be trimmed, you waste space by doing things like
WHAM!
WHAM!
WHAM!
WHAM!
When that could easily have been written as WHAM WHAM WHAM WHAM on one line.
Ditto that for some of the dialogue
CHARACTER talkie talkie talkie
(BEAT) CHARACTER (CONT'D) talkie talkie talkie
Anyway, I liked the story and it's dark disturbed story and tone. Don't worry about the length. You're producing/directing this so there's no real need to write in in an extremely economical and easy, fast read way intended for studio readers.
Good luck with it and please let us know when we can watch it some place.
"I agree with Cornetto that I would have liked to feel sympathy with Joan in the end. I did a little bit, but she seemed like a nagging b**** in the beginning and I had a hard time to get on her side in the end."
I'll have a look at Joan. Should be fairly easy to make her more sympathetic. Only problem is that in the structure it's in now, it may lose an antagonisitc force. I may have to make it more of a story about Joan and use Thomas as the antagonist.
"I do disagree with Cornetto about Timmy though. Even though I didn't "know" him real well, he was the one I was concerned for and felt strongly about when he had to watch his mother getting beaten to death. I didn't like that part at all. A mother thing, I guess."
I'm thinking that there'll be a greater sympathy for the child on screen than on the page. Watching a blubbering child in that situation will be more unsettling than on the page and evoke more sympathy. That's my hope at least. I may give him slightly more to do though.
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