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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Fever Dreams Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: December 17th, 2008, 5:54pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Fever Dreams by Jayden Creighton - Short, Horror - Jenny recites the local ghost story of Dewey Heyes to her brother Ted whilst he is in the midst of a bitter fever. 8 pages - pdf, format


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bert  -  December 17th, 2008, 8:32pm
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Colkurtz8
Posted: December 17th, 2008, 7:13pm Report to Moderator
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The link brings you back to the home page.

[bert's edit:  Fixed.]



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bert  -  December 17th, 2008, 8:33pm
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James R
Posted: December 19th, 2008, 2:40pm Report to Moderator
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Supper time!

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Hey, Jayden. That was very creepy and gruesome. You have the makings of a great horror film, but it needs some attention.

It's a good idea to give some sort of description and/or age to your characters when they are introduced to give readers some perspective. I didn't know these were children.

If there are heavy metal and horror movie posters on the walls, doesn't that suggest that Ted is a fan? Would he really be scared of a story like the one told by Jenny? I think his room needs to be nice and neat to denote that he is an average kid who would be terrified at the story told by his sister.

The descriptions in the "fever dreams" were hard to follow. You jumped around a lot. I can see this as a series of shots for a music video by Marilyn Manson, but it made the story difficult to follow. Many of the scenes were random and didn't have anything to do with the story told by Jenny. It seemed like some of the characters were supposed to be family members and some were supposed to represent Dewey but I couldn't tell which were which.

I did not expect the ending since it was just a story. Maybe it wasn't just a story?

And check all the "he's" that should be "his". There were numerous grammatical errors.

Also, you don't really need all the CONTINUED's in there.

Very good, descriptive writing. Good job on the characters. Be sure to enter the Scarefest contests and such with writing like this.

James


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Jayden Creighton
Posted: December 22nd, 2008, 7:34pm Report to Moderator
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hey cheers for the review
he's and his i do need to tidy up i realised after i posted haha
yeah the story turns out to not just be a story
my room is decked with horror and metal posters, and im not scared of the genre - but when i get fevers i get really scared and the ideas in my head begin to twist and frighten me... so in a way this is based on that.
and yeah the descriptions do need to be tightened... especially the sequence of dreams. they are all of his family btw, apart from the one who follows the man and gets locked in the room - thats dewey.
thanks again for the read,
muchlove, jayden


ED .
FEVER DREAMS
THE DOORS ARE CLOSED††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††
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Colkurtz8
Posted: December 28th, 2008, 4:44pm Report to Moderator
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Jayden

"The moon light ruptures through drawn curtains, stirring a
flood of darkness and silence. Plaster walls are lined with
heavy metal and horror movie posters and the carpet floor is
adorned with dirty clothes and paper balls."

Nice opening piece, sets up the mood.

You should give Ted's age.

Page 1 -"He mumbles words of concern" -- Are we taking that he is swearing to himself?

"common" -- should it be c'mon?

Page 2 - "The flu canít kill you Jenny" -- Missing a comma before Jenny.

Page 3 - "Brought up on Christianity and neglect." -- Great line.

Page 4 - "ash felt" should that be asphalt?

"He outstretches heís hand" -- strange way to phrase it.

Page 5 - "His insanity rises as he heaves on the roots of his hair." -- nice line

Page 7 -- Would they have let him starve to death like that? Surely there would have been some form of intervention from the authorities.

Page 7 -- "Sweet dreams Ted." -- no comma

Page 7 -- "The door folds shut" -- I never heard of a closing door referred to as "folding" it sounds nice if a little misleading.


Having the Manson reference at the end goes some way in justifying the sheer dark depraved tone of the piece. After reading some of your other stuff I see a pattern emerging.

I am not really a horror fan but hell I did enjoy this one, some odd but charming turns of phrase coupled with a scary story & downright shocking imagery, kinda' reminded of the visions in "The Shining", a well written script overall, well done.

Try and limit your paragraphs to 3/4 lines max.

Though I'm sure you know those are Eurythmics lyrics.

Nice job.

Col.



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Colkurtz8  -  December 28th, 2008, 5:31pm
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alffy
Posted: July 30th, 2009, 11:12am Report to Moderator
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Hey Jayden

Col pointed out most of the mistakes, so I wont go there.

As for the story, I loved it.  It's a strange little story but it was certainly entertaining.  The flashback to Dewey's nightmare was very dark with some disturbing images.

I like how Jenny plays with Ted's thoughts, trying to get him to believe her and then the twist at the end.

I don't have any real negatives with this, I just really enjoyed it.  Good stuff.


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