SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 28th, 2024, 3:07pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Crime Fight Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 9 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2, 3 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Crime Fight  (currently 2947 views)
Don
Posted: December 29th, 2008, 4:35pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
Crime Fight by Glenn Bresciani (tonkatough) - Short - One victim, one wallet full of cash, two muggers after the same thing. One hell of a Crime Fight! 6 pages - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
JonnyBoy
Posted: December 29th, 2008, 5:42pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
London, England
Posts
994
Posts Per Day
0.18
Hey Glenn, read and enjoyed this, it made me smile. Hopefully I'm not finding inadvertant comedy in what was supposed to be a deadly-straight short! But I don't think so; think some of the comedy worked really well. The two fighting over such a small amount of money was amusing. This was almost like a cartoon in the way the violence occured - Tom vs. Sylvester, if you like.

This is really no more than a thought: could you do the final scene without Roxy speaking? I mean, would that work? You've come so far without dialogue and it's been successful, but nothing Roxy says is particularly comedic. So would it work without her speaking, making this a dialogue-free short? Just the image of her standing there, screaming, Macing the two of them but not saying any words, seems to me it might be funnier. But that really is just a thought.

I wasn't a huge fan of Jack...would another type of character that fulfilled the same role be possible? Like a really drunk, really friendly cool-kid, who keeps trying to hug the Crim as he takes his wallet. Again, merely a suggestion.

Thanks for putting a smile on my face!

Jon


Guess who's back? Back again?
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 1 - 34
Grandma Bear
Posted: December 29th, 2008, 6:44pm Report to Moderator
Administrator



Location
The Swamp...
Posts
7961
Posts Per Day
1.36
Tonka,

you've read a lot lately so when I saw your script I wanted to read it right away.

Jordan street? Mace? Hmmm... were these inspired by something that happened recently in Vancouver?  

I think your writing is fine. Not a whole lot to complain about there.

I think my only problem here is that it's basically just a 5 minute action film leading up to a semi interesting ending/pay-off. It's almost just a build-up to a joke. I admit that them fighting about a ten dollar bill is amusing, but I'm not so sure there is a "story" here if you know what I mean.

You start out with Jack. I thought he was going to be an important character so I paid close attention to him, but he he's dropped out of the story mid-way or so. Then I was thinking, okay so this is really about Grim and Mug and then you introduce Roxy and she becomes important in the end. This doesn't really make for good character development. By that I mean that I was lost as far as who I should be rooting for.

As an action piece with an amusing end I guess it works, but as a story there isn't really a whole lot there.

I hope you take this as intended. My honest thoughts.

As a last thought/suggestion, what if Jack somehow came back and did something unexpected ending up with the money and the girl. That would make the story come full circle...I think.

Pia  


Logged
Private Message Reply: 2 - 34
Shelton
Posted: December 29th, 2008, 6:52pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Chicago
Posts
3292
Posts Per Day
0.49
I actually thought this was going to be dialogue free, but that's probably got more to do with my knowing that you don't like dialogue vs the fact that this went so long without actually having any.

I think Jack served his purpose of getting the ball rolling, so to speak, but he could possibly be brought back in again at the end, as Pia said, for full circle purposes.

I seem to remember another script on here, way back when, where two people were trying to rob the same house, and I think it even got produced, so there's a positive for you there.

Anyway, the action was pretty crisp, and the dialogue you added in did work, although it's probably not that necessary.  Going with Jonnyboy's suggestion would give the same effect, while shortening it.


Shelton's IMDb Profile

"I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper." - Steve Martin
Logged Offline
Private Message AIM Reply: 3 - 34
jayrex
Posted: December 29th, 2008, 7:55pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Cut to three weeks earlier

Location
London, UK
Posts
1420
Posts Per Day
0.22
Hey Glenn,

I liked your script.  Quick and easy to read.  Very quick.

Jack's character came and went.  Crim & Mug fight it out over ten dollars.  This is funny and Roxy served her purpose.  I just think it needs a bigger pay off, so to speak.

I think you need to add importance to the ten dollars.  Whereas dialogue hasn't been used most of the way.  Jack can come back, but is fine that he's left.  I propose Crim or Mug saying a quick one liner.  And while saying that line, they cry like a baby while they say it.

A nice script that although has a neat & tidy finish.  Just needs that little bit of extra spice to top it off.

All the best,


Javier


Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 4 - 34
tonkatough
Posted: December 30th, 2008, 1:25am Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
Australia
Posts
581
Posts Per Day
0.09
Ah, I knew all that script reading would pay off.

Thanks for the reads.

Johnny Boy

I promise I will look out for your first screenplay ever and read it. I owe you one.


Me

Was my script inspired by such and such a post? Actually- no. I am not that quick a writer to whip up something on the spot. And if I could I would flood these discussion boards with dozens of my short scripts.  

Shelton

No ,no. You got it wrong. I love dialouge but only in moderation. Chittychatterlouge I'm not a big fan off thou.  

Jayrex.

It's funny but I never intended this script to be funny. I was trying to be Ironic- which I guess is the corner stone of comedy- maybe, but I'm not sure.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 5 - 34
NiK
Posted: December 30th, 2008, 3:32am Report to Moderator
New


Do you want my candy stick?!

Location
Turn your head right...
Posts
256
Posts Per Day
0.04
Hey Glenn,

You damn filthy liar, you promised to post scripts after 2008. Hahaha. Ok, y'know i'm jokking.

I see you expanded the idea into something more and added the Mug, If i remember well there was no Mug before.

I did really enjoy it, but I have one suggestion: try and make it without dialogue, I don't think you really need Roxy talking.

You wrote it great, and i like this line of action: With a savage war cry that would make Xena proud.... hehehe.

Well done mate.



Gift of Blood - NEW! co-written tonkatough
Where?
Anniversary

Logged
Private Message Reply: 6 - 34
tonkatough
Posted: December 30th, 2008, 5:05am Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
Australia
Posts
581
Posts Per Day
0.09
Yes well that's what happens NIK. Haha.   You said the script needed more when I first proposed it to you and that is exactly what I did. Which is good cause the script is better for it.

Thanks for the read-  again.

Oh yeah and Xena rocks hard and I have a huge crush on Lucy Lawless.  


Logged
Private Message Reply: 7 - 34
James R
Posted: January 2nd, 2009, 2:02pm Report to Moderator
New


Supper time!

Location
Arizona
Posts
219
Posts Per Day
0.04
I knew this was going to be good when I read:

Quoted from Crime Fight
           Somewhere in the night . . .

EXT. NIGHTCLUB - NIGHT

Even though it follows all conventions. Maybe it was the rule of three tickling my giggle button or something but that had me laughing.

This reminded me of the Family Guy episodes where Peter and that chicken beat the he!! out of each other. I think this would be hilarious on screen, but the ending seemed a little off. I didn't understand the purpose of Roxy in the script. I got the irony of the two men fighting over ten bucks while scads of money were pouring out of the ATM, but the character didn't do anything for me.

Great writing, action-packed.

James


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 8 - 34
Majorgeneral316
Posted: January 4th, 2009, 2:17pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
London
Posts
79
Posts Per Day
0.01
Whats Good

I realy like this script and I found it very funny and disturbing at the same time.
I liked the way you described the fighting scenes between MUGS and CRIM like "Mug puts up a frantic struggle, kicks his legs, swings his arms. His thrashing body pushes him off the bench."

That women at the end seemed to be helpless and vulnerable but she ended up being really brave in the way she took care of those guys.

All in all nice.

Matthew



Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 9 - 34
sniper
Posted: January 4th, 2009, 4:18pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


My UZI Weighs A Ton

Location
Northern Hemisphere
Posts
2249
Posts Per Day
0.48
Hey Glenn,

Damn, I loved your introduction of Jack: "middle aged man with a middle age spread. A typical tradesman, husband, father". BAM, there it is - perfect.

I, like Shelton, thought you were gonna go through the whole script without dialogue and it sorta bummed me out when Roxy started talking. I don't know why, it just did. Actually, I didn't like Roxy's character at all, I thought this was gonna be an all-guy script. They way she comes in makes the script feel sorta disjointed. I liked it up to that point but then it fell apart for me. I think you should stick with the three guys and bring in Jack at the end - and have him regain his ten bucks, that would be cool imo.

Yeah, I noticed "Jordan Street" right away. That was nicely done, mate.

Cheers
Rob


Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load
Logged
Private Message Reply: 10 - 34
Colkurtz8
Posted: January 5th, 2009, 5:38am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
--> Over There
Posts
1731
Posts Per Day
0.30
Tonkatough

I've gone in on the blindside & notread any oter comments so forgive me if I relay some of whats already being said.

I was immediately drawn in by the first scene with the two sizing up possible prey, definitely an attention grabber.

My only problem with it is them being so close to the club, would there not be a lot of people around? I would follow Jack untill he turned a corner before introducing the two menaces.

The Crim shakes his fox mask head, his body language says:
“Why me?” a strange emotion to come from a the guy who just beat & mugged the poor man lying in the middle of the road.


"The Mug charges across the road, the panty-hose legs flap
behind his head like two octopus limbs."

Ha, presumably unintentional but this is quite a funny image you conjured here. Any mugger who wears panty-hose in the first place provides a laugh for me (besides the obvious danger element of course)

!Slowly, quietly, a plastic fox face rises up from behind
the Mug."

Same as above, I dunno if you mean this but another hilarious visual is running through my head.

Pg 5 - "Crim lunges at Mug, skips sideways to avoid a knife strike." -- should "who" be before skips?


After reading the ending I'm starting to think that comedy is whats intended here, with Roxy's freakout conflicting with her "spoilt little rich girl" impression so much.

The fact that we have followed these dangerous tho bungling degenerates for the duration of the story so for us to see their asses getting whooped by a Paris Hilton wannabe doesn't isn't what we expect.

This would translate well on to screen especially the Crim & Mug masks, which would work very well as a visual gag.

And all over a measly tenner.

Entertaining piece, although I have read better stuff from you.

Cheers.

Col




Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 11 - 34
tonkatough
Posted: January 8th, 2009, 4:21am Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
Australia
Posts
581
Posts Per Day
0.09
Hey thanks for the read people.

I don't get how everyone finds this script funny where a masked man pops out from around a corner and sneeks about in the dark. C'mon people, haven't you seen The Strangers?  The masked people in that movie where so freaky and spooky you have to invent a new word Frooky to explain it.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 12 - 34
Zack
Posted: January 8th, 2009, 8:14pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Erlanger, KY
Posts
4487
Posts Per Day
0.69
Haha. I got a good couple of laughs from this. Loved Roxy's war cry and the scene where Crim rises up behind Mug. Both made me laugh. This is supposed to be funny, right?

Format was great. The script was very well written and the descriptions where nice.

I didn't like how no one talked until the very end. I think you should cut all of the dialog. You'd have to change the ending to do so, but that wouldn't be too hard. After Roxy maces the two guys, SHE should grab the 10$ and run off. I think that'd be fuuny.

Anyways, good read. I liked it.

~Zack
Logged
Private Message Reply: 13 - 34
tonkatough
Posted: January 10th, 2009, 11:46pm Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
Australia
Posts
581
Posts Per Day
0.09
Thanks for the read Zack.  Love your idea where Roxy grab the ten dollar. That is cool and so in with her character. Greedy, materilistic little vixen.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 14 - 34
 Pages: 1, 2, 3 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006