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Crime Fight by Glenn Bresciani (tonkatough) - Short - One victim, one wallet full of cash, two muggers after the same thing. One hell of a Crime Fight! 6 pages - pdf, format
Hey Glenn, read and enjoyed this, it made me smile. Hopefully I'm not finding inadvertant comedy in what was supposed to be a deadly-straight short! But I don't think so; think some of the comedy worked really well. The two fighting over such a small amount of money was amusing. This was almost like a cartoon in the way the violence occured - Tom vs. Sylvester, if you like.
This is really no more than a thought: could you do the final scene without Roxy speaking? I mean, would that work? You've come so far without dialogue and it's been successful, but nothing Roxy says is particularly comedic. So would it work without her speaking, making this a dialogue-free short? Just the image of her standing there, screaming, Macing the two of them but not saying any words, seems to me it might be funnier. But that really is just a thought.
I wasn't a huge fan of Jack...would another type of character that fulfilled the same role be possible? Like a really drunk, really friendly cool-kid, who keeps trying to hug the Crim as he takes his wallet. Again, merely a suggestion.
you've read a lot lately so when I saw your script I wanted to read it right away.
Jordan street? Mace? Hmmm... were these inspired by something that happened recently in Vancouver?
I think your writing is fine. Not a whole lot to complain about there.
I think my only problem here is that it's basically just a 5 minute action film leading up to a semi interesting ending/pay-off. It's almost just a build-up to a joke. I admit that them fighting about a ten dollar bill is amusing, but I'm not so sure there is a "story" here if you know what I mean.
You start out with Jack. I thought he was going to be an important character so I paid close attention to him, but he he's dropped out of the story mid-way or so. Then I was thinking, okay so this is really about Grim and Mug and then you introduce Roxy and she becomes important in the end. This doesn't really make for good character development. By that I mean that I was lost as far as who I should be rooting for.
As an action piece with an amusing end I guess it works, but as a story there isn't really a whole lot there.
I hope you take this as intended. My honest thoughts.
As a last thought/suggestion, what if Jack somehow came back and did something unexpected ending up with the money and the girl. That would make the story come full circle...I think.
I actually thought this was going to be dialogue free, but that's probably got more to do with my knowing that you don't like dialogue vs the fact that this went so long without actually having any.
I think Jack served his purpose of getting the ball rolling, so to speak, but he could possibly be brought back in again at the end, as Pia said, for full circle purposes.
I seem to remember another script on here, way back when, where two people were trying to rob the same house, and I think it even got produced, so there's a positive for you there.
Anyway, the action was pretty crisp, and the dialogue you added in did work, although it's probably not that necessary. Going with Jonnyboy's suggestion would give the same effect, while shortening it.
I liked your script. Quick and easy to read. Very quick.
Jack's character came and went. Crim & Mug fight it out over ten dollars. This is funny and Roxy served her purpose. I just think it needs a bigger pay off, so to speak.
I think you need to add importance to the ten dollars. Whereas dialogue hasn't been used most of the way. Jack can come back, but is fine that he's left. I propose Crim or Mug saying a quick one liner. And while saying that line, they cry like a baby while they say it.
A nice script that although has a neat & tidy finish. Just needs that little bit of extra spice to top it off.
I promise I will look out for your first screenplay ever and read it. I owe you one.
Me
Was my script inspired by such and such a post? Actually- no. I am not that quick a writer to whip up something on the spot. And if I could I would flood these discussion boards with dozens of my short scripts.
Shelton
No ,no. You got it wrong. I love dialouge but only in moderation. Chittychatterlouge I'm not a big fan off thou.
Jayrex.
It's funny but I never intended this script to be funny. I was trying to be Ironic- which I guess is the corner stone of comedy- maybe, but I'm not sure.
Yes well that's what happens NIK. Haha. You said the script needed more when I first proposed it to you and that is exactly what I did. Which is good cause the script is better for it.
Thanks for the read- again.
Oh yeah and Xena rocks hard and I have a huge crush on Lucy Lawless.
Even though it follows all conventions. Maybe it was the rule of three tickling my giggle button or something but that had me laughing.
This reminded me of the Family Guy episodes where Peter and that chicken beat the he!! out of each other. I think this would be hilarious on screen, but the ending seemed a little off. I didn't understand the purpose of Roxy in the script. I got the irony of the two men fighting over ten bucks while scads of money were pouring out of the ATM, but the character didn't do anything for me.
I realy like this script and I found it very funny and disturbing at the same time. I liked the way you described the fighting scenes between MUGS and CRIM like "Mug puts up a frantic struggle, kicks his legs, swings his arms. His thrashing body pushes him off the bench."
That women at the end seemed to be helpless and vulnerable but she ended up being really brave in the way she took care of those guys.
Damn, I loved your introduction of Jack: "middle aged man with a middle age spread. A typical tradesman, husband, father". BAM, there it is - perfect.
I, like Shelton, thought you were gonna go through the whole script without dialogue and it sorta bummed me out when Roxy started talking. I don't know why, it just did. Actually, I didn't like Roxy's character at all, I thought this was gonna be an all-guy script. They way she comes in makes the script feel sorta disjointed. I liked it up to that point but then it fell apart for me. I think you should stick with the three guys and bring in Jack at the end - and have him regain his ten bucks, that would be cool imo.
Yeah, I noticed "Jordan Street" right away. That was nicely done, mate.
Cheers Rob
Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load
I've gone in on the blindside & notread any oter comments so forgive me if I relay some of whats already being said.
I was immediately drawn in by the first scene with the two sizing up possible prey, definitely an attention grabber.
My only problem with it is them being so close to the club, would there not be a lot of people around? I would follow Jack untill he turned a corner before introducing the two menaces.
The Crim shakes his fox mask head, his body language says: “Why me?” a strange emotion to come from a the guy who just beat & mugged the poor man lying in the middle of the road.
"The Mug charges across the road, the panty-hose legs flap behind his head like two octopus limbs."
Ha, presumably unintentional but this is quite a funny image you conjured here. Any mugger who wears panty-hose in the first place provides a laugh for me (besides the obvious danger element of course)
!Slowly, quietly, a plastic fox face rises up from behind the Mug."
Same as above, I dunno if you mean this but another hilarious visual is running through my head.
Pg 5 - "Crim lunges at Mug, skips sideways to avoid a knife strike." -- should "who" be before skips?
After reading the ending I'm starting to think that comedy is whats intended here, with Roxy's freakout conflicting with her "spoilt little rich girl" impression so much.
The fact that we have followed these dangerous tho bungling degenerates for the duration of the story so for us to see their asses getting whooped by a Paris Hilton wannabe doesn't isn't what we expect.
This would translate well on to screen especially the Crim & Mug masks, which would work very well as a visual gag.
And all over a measly tenner.
Entertaining piece, although I have read better stuff from you.
I don't get how everyone finds this script funny where a masked man pops out from around a corner and sneeks about in the dark. C'mon people, haven't you seen The Strangers? The masked people in that movie where so freaky and spooky you have to invent a new word Frooky to explain it.
Haha. I got a good couple of laughs from this. Loved Roxy's war cry and the scene where Crim rises up behind Mug. Both made me laugh. This is supposed to be funny, right?
Format was great. The script was very well written and the descriptions where nice.
I didn't like how no one talked until the very end. I think you should cut all of the dialog. You'd have to change the ending to do so, but that wouldn't be too hard. After Roxy maces the two guys, SHE should grab the 10$ and run off. I think that'd be fuuny.