Unfinished Business by Laurence French - Action - Jack Rees and Madeleine du Pre are two former Sorbonne students who took part in the student riots of 1968.  During that time, they planned to blow up the Eiffel Tower as a revolutionary act.  They never accomplished their mission. In 2005, now in their 60s, and against the backdrop of renewed rioting in Paris by immigrant youths, they meet up again to fulfil their revolutionary destiny.  Madeleine still has the old revolutionary zeal; however, Jack’s motives are somewhat different – he plans to kill her for her betrayal of him back in 1968. 123 pages - doc, format

Hey Laurence, your logline was intriguing so I did open this up.

Only looked at the first couple of pages before I thought I should say a couple of things about format...

1. I've only really started this whole screenplay thing myself, but one point I've read a lot about on these boards is that unless you're planning to direct, shooting directions should be avoided in the screenplay. Phrases like "the camera moves", close ups, etc. should be avoided because they are the realm of the director, not the screenwriter. I also gather than "we see" is frowned upon, although I do admit I sometimes end up using it very sparingly.

2. Action paragraphs should be no more than 4/5 lines long. This was the very first thing I had pointed out to me when I posted something up here for people to read. And they were right; long, unbroken paragraphs of action are a huge turn-off. Just breaking them down a bit would help.

Despite these things, I actually really like the sound of this. I WILL come back to it at some point (soon, hopefully), read it through and offer what comments I can. I see this was written/started in September 2007...have you been writing other things since then? 'Cos if you have any shorts or anything, I'd be interested to read those too.

Hope anything I've said is helpful,

Jon

Hi Jon,

Thanks for your comments.  If you are a fan of film noir or French New Wave you might enjoy my script.  It has elements of both in it.  It has attracted the attention of a French production company and I'm waiting for a decision from them.  I have another script  in progress at the moment, but it is a full length one, not a  short.
Keep in touch.
Laurence