The Last Rung on the Ladder by Jon Barton (JonnyBoy) - Short - Based on the short story by Stephen King. Shortly after a family disaster, Larry receives a letter from his sister that reminds him of an event in their childhood. 17 pages - pdf, format

Gosh, how exciting - my first ever screenplay! Thank you Don, for posting it, and thanks in advance to anyone who reads it!

Obviously that's supposed to be 'disaster' in the logline...I just can't type. And when I say 'based', I really mean adapted - I've changed as little as possible from the original story, since who am I to mess with a master like Stephen King?

Hope you'll enjoy! And be as brutal as you like in your feedback - as I say, this is my first finished screenplay (and my second ever attempt, after a Metroid adaptation I realised I can't write), and I'll only learn by getting, and listening to, constructive criticism.

Jon

This was really good. A great little story and told really well. I guess however that that has as much to do with Stephen King as yourself and having not read the original story I have no idea how much of this is actually yours. It is not perfect however but a sold effort for a first time script and I will try to give you some feedback on how it could be improved.

*Scene Transitions, Get rid of them. Apart from FADE IN and OUT there is no place in a spec script for any camera instructions or scene transitions at all. That is if you do have any in your script then you had better have a good reason for it. I would be interested in what anyone else has got to say but your first scene transition I actually really liked. The shot of Kitty in her flowing white dress falling to the floor turning into a white envelope falling from the letterbox is great. Very visual, very nice, I would be tempted to leave the transition in purely for that. But you probably do not need the transition any way to get the same effect.

If you have a flashback sequence then write it in your slugline, i.e. INT. AIRPLANE-DAY-FLASHBACK.  There is no need for the FLASHBACK TO: then.

* There were a few examples of you using words ending in 'ing in your action. You should avoid using any words ending in 'ing, there is always a better and more descriptive way to write action without using them. Action in a script is to explain what the character does right now. An example from your script..

"She rises up on her toes, leans forward, diving off the roof"

Should read "She rises up on her toes, leans forward and dives off the roof"

There are a few examples of this in your script and it would improve it greatly were you to find an alternative way to describe the action.

* Sometimes your scenes can be over descriptive. This however is a common fault amongst most new screenwriters, I myself still suffer from this greatly. You certainly over-described the hallway at the beginning...

Quoted Text A white envelope falls from the letterbox and lands on the floor. It's the hallway to a nice apartment, clean and functional, a few shoes by the door and some coats hanging on hooks. A table with a phone and notepad a few metres back from the door. Some photos on the walls.

Too much really, just say it is a hallway, we don't need to know anything else. The guys making the movie will decide what the hallway looks like, or more likely it will be filmed in a real hallway that looks nothing like what you have written. Unless something is important to the script then do not mention it. You could mention that there are a few family photographs on the wall as they make an appearance later but nothing else does.

I know what it feels like to have this vision in your head of what everything looks like and how much you want to have it written down but like everyone else you will learn to start leaving it out and economizing with your words. Read a screenplay from someone like Shane Black and see how little he actually writes into his scene descriptions.


You did lots right however and you should feel quite proud of your first ever attempt at screenwriting. Apart from the above the formatting was spot-on, your use of language was great and the dialogue was excellent. Again I am not sure how much was Stephen King but will give you the benefit of the doubt. It is a solid effort and a really good read.

Nice one.

Hey what's up Jonny,

Really enjoyed this one. I hunted down the actual story as well, and read that. Which I also enjoyed, but, to be honest I preferred your script, as opposed to the actual story. Your script seemed more focused, and was definitely more effective. The closing "my Kitty" line, which wasn't in the story was a perfect way to end the script.

Only thing that was in the story, which wasn't in the script so much, but I felt that it would work very well, was Larry's guilt. In the story, he seemed to feel more guilty. It was his fault that Kitty's letter didn't get to him before, as he never wrote to her to tell her his new address. I think that you should show him feeling more responsible for Kitty's death.

The way that certain things were revealed to the reader throughout the script worked perfectly as well. Ie, how the letter was dated two weeks before she killed herself, that she was a call girl etc.

There were a few formatting issues with the script. No biggies, as it is your first script, so many of these formatting issues are you finding your own creative voice, and finding what works best for you. I have to agree with what GM said about your descriptions. There are too detailed... too chunky. Try and keep descriptions/ actions lines either 4 lines or under. Quite a few of yours were 5 lines, or more. Try and make them as concise as you can.

GM also made a valid point about your transitions. I include more transitions in my scripts as I should, as I write them from a director's POV. Some of your transitions were unnecassary. Such as "FLASHBACK TO". A flashback can simply be noted in the scene header; "INT. AEROPLANE - FLASHBACK - 6 DAYS AGO - DAY -".

Also, this line; "Things were never the same between us until she died, six years later. The cast came off, and that was the end of the barn incident." sounds a bit odd... I know what you mean, but it sounds as if Kitty's cast stayed on for 6 years.

But yeah mate, congratulations on this. It was a good read. I think at 17 pages of writing, it was getting a bit too long. I think if you trimmed down some of your descriptions, you could easily get it down to about 15 pages. Maybe 16, which would still be better.

Cheers for the feed on my scripts, you made some really valid, helpful points. Keep this high standard of script-writing up mate; I will definitely keep an eye out for more of your work. And by the way, what part of London are you from?

Toby

Hey guys, thanks a lot for the reads and the feedback! Really glad you both seemed to enjoy it, but perhaps more glad you've found issues to raise and suggested ways to improve it.

Firstly, in response to GM Giles.

1. I'm not going to sit here and pretend that this is from my own imagination when it's not. This is a very faithful adaptation of one of Stephen King's more charming short stories, one I've been meaning to have a crack at for a while. You say you're willing to give me the 'benefit of the doubt'...thanks, but I'm not trying to claim the story or dialogue's mine when it isn't. Perhaps a tenth of it is mine, bits where I've come up with ways to link passages of King's writing together. The fact that the bits that I added in didn't stick out a mile is a compliment in itself!

2. Scene transitions: wasn't quite sure how to handle flashbacks, read on a website (www.scriptologist.com) that this was how they were supposed to be formatted, but thanks for correcting me. I've sorted that. As for the match cut...I actually only thought of this after I'd nearly finished the script, but I liked it so much I went back and added it. I think it's quite a neat trick - after all, if Kubrick can use it in 2001, then why can't I?

3. The ing's: One thing I have picked up from reading scripts - and more importantly others' reviews of scripts - is that passive writing is a huge turnoff. 'ing' is passive. I get that now. I've gone through and tried to weed out the 'ings'...thanks for that.

4. Over-description: how cliched of me! Rats. When I look at the hallway description from that point of view, you're obviously right. It's not so much that I have a vision in my head as coming from someone who's been in, and directed, plays - when you're building a set, you look for the playwright's descriptions of the scenery to help you conjure up this world. The opening to Arthur Miller's 'All My Sons' is the kind of feel I was going for. Obviously the relationship between a playwright and a stage director is different from the relationship between a screenwriter and a film director. They're in charge, and they don't need you to tell them what to do (clearly the main difference is that you're trying to build a set from nothing based on what's on the paper, whereas in film you're trying to find a real-world location which doesn't necessarily have to correspond with what's on the page). Thanks for pointing this out to me; I'll definitely act on that.

Thanks again for your time! Anything I can read to return the favour?

Now Toby.

1. I can't believe you hunted down the original story! I really appreciate that. I also REALLY appreciate what you said about the script being better than King's original...I did a little happy dance when I read that. Yeah, the 'My Kitty' line just seemed more final, more of an ending than King's - good to know my decision to add it wasn't hopelessly off.

2. The 4/5 lines thing is HARD! But obviously it's there as a way of making the script flow. A rule-but-not-a-rule, if you like. I'll try to stick to it in the rewrite. Thanks for the note about the transitions - that's sorted.

3. The six years/cast coming off line: Yep, you're right, that doesn't read well. I added the whole 'mother never forgiving' me line on a whim, since in King's original the mother's reaction is left out...maybe I should cut it? I'll try to restructure the chunk of dialogue, first.

4. The length: this was a real sticking point for me. When I first decided I was ACTUALLY going to adapt this short story I had some vague idea in my mind of blowing it up into a 90 pages feature - mapping out the whole of their lives, showing these two happy little children grow up and grow apart, Larry struggle his way to success but Kitty descend into prostitution and who-knows-what-else, up to her eventual suicide. Then I decided to keep things simple and just do the short story. The original story is 14 pages, so I've actually managed to make it longer, and also had to pretty much cut out a whole page of the story where Larry talks about what happened to Kitty between the barn incident and her suicide. In doing so, I did cut out a lot of Larry's guilt. I suppose the thing to do is shorten it by trimming off the fat, and maybe look to add in some more 'meat'. I'll see what happens.

Thanks for being complimentary - I'll try to keep it up, and I'll look out for your work, too. I really hope you get around to shooting Freefall; be interested to see how that turns out. I'm a student doing English and Film Studies at KCL, so I currently live in accommodation in Southwark. I can definitely feel the London setting when I read your work, which is a great thing!

Thanks for reading! I'm going to try and adapt three more Stephen King shorts, really most of the non-supernatural ones from Night Shift: Quitters, Inc.; The Woman in the Room; and The Man Who Loved Flowers. I've already made a start on Quitters, Inc., but I may end up chickening out of The Man Who Loved Flowers because it's a toughie. Then I'm going to look at adapting his novel Blaze. And then, MAYBE, I'll think about starting something original. Obviously loads of Stephen King works have been adapted and put on screen, and while lots of them are successful (The Green Mile, The Shawshank Redemption, The Shining), some of them don't quite work as well (The Running Man, Secret Window). I think it's good practice for me.

I won't post a new draft for a bit - let anyone else who wants to read this and comment on it have their chance. But everything you've said has been helpful - thanks a lot!

Peace and love,

Jon

Hey Jon.

Not normally a fan of Stephen Kings stuff. Usually his work gets to weird for me. That said, I liked this. I didn't fully understand it, but I liked it. You're a talented writer and I'm looking forward to reading more of your work. Now, on to the review.

The start of the script moved a little slow for me. I didn't understand the scene on the plane with Larry and his Dad. That seems like it could have been cut from the script.

Things picked up when we got to the flashback with young Larry and Kitty in the barn. There was a lot of suspense in that scene. An awkward feeling of dread. That's my favorite scene in the script. Well done.

I didn't understand the ending. Why'd she do it? Did she expect Larry to save her again? I also didn't understand the letter. Why would she have rather fallen to her death? It just seems like there is more to the story.

Good format and vivid details made this an easy read. So good job there.

All in all I liked it. Kinda weird and a bit confusing, but I still enjoyed it.

~Zack~

Yo John boy. Read your script. so what do I think?

First up a little pet peeve of mine are people who go on  and on about how this is the first script they have ever written but it is clear that they are very experienced writers.

This may be your first script but I do not believe this is your first attempt at writing.

Which is problem number one as your script reads likes a novel and that can be a bit of a no no. You have way to much description in your screenplay is just not needed plus in your voice over you have way to much description words that are not needed cause the images on the screen will say it all.


This is most important thing to remember about write for screen that you need very little word description as the image tell the story. I thought your voice over dialouge was very heavy handed.

Like for example in narrative if you have something like:  "She stands on beam, her long soft corn hair and flowing white dress give her a magical' angelic blah blah blah" This is kind of redundent for film when you have image of pretty blonde girl in a white dress walk across beam.


Not so important with shorts but very import when you want to write features as you have limited page length and when you want to cram a big story arc and complex plot into 100 pages it is important to keep your writing lean and small.

But I am confident that as you continue to write scripts you will find the right balance between write lean and tight but maintain your visual style. You have a natural flare for writing and I look forward to read more of your stuff.    

Hey Glenn, thanks for the review.

First up, apologies if you think I've been banging on about this being my first ever screenplay. I've altered my signature and personal message to avoid further irritation. About this being the work of a very experienced writer...yes, it is. It's Stephen King's. I have written before, but I think the level of sophistication that annoyed you (because you weren't expecting it) comes from the fact that I tried to transfer as much of King's writing as possible from story to script.

The V.O. dialogue...it's a shame you think it's too wordy. You're probably right, of course. The whole thing reads like a novel because it is a short story in script form. Did you know it was an adaptation? Of course, none of that is an excuse for over-description. I'm going back through and weeding out unnecessary phrases. The dialgoue itself is something I'm sad about dismantling, because I think Stephen King writes so beatufiully. But I'm sure you're right.

Thanks for the read! I've read more of your work than just Crime Fight, and I have to say I enjoy your writing very much. I appreciate your time.

Jon

So you basically did a cut and paste job with transferring King's work to script format?

Ah that may be where the problems is. I suggest you write a script from an idea pulled from your own head. That is the true way to master the craft of writing.

Go on, I know you can.  

Quoted from tonkatough So you basically did a cut and paste job with transferring King's work to script format? Ah that may be where the problems is. I suggest you write a script from an idea pulled from your own head. That is the true way to master the craft of writing. Go on, I know you can.

I prefer 'faithfully adapting' to 'cut and pasting'... It's funny, I've had one person question whether ANY of it's my own work, and another person assume it's ALL my own work. The truth lies somewhere in between. I tried to put King's story into script format without screwing it up too badly, and then slipped in little touches of my own where I thought they'd fit (eg. the white dress/envelope match cut, the fridge door closing revealing the newspaper clipping).

At the moment I'm still sort of at the stage of working out how you put these things together. It's like learning a new language - at the start, you just practice the sentences in the textbook. Only once you know what you're doing do you start constructing your own.

I'm comfortable writing my own stories in prose, but coming up with original screenplays? Not yet. Clearly I'm not as brave as you lot. I'll hide out in Adaptation Land a little while longer. It looks scary out there in the wilderness...one day, though. Hopefully soon.

Thanks again.

Right, I polished off the second draft today, and submitted it. With a bit of luck it should be up soon.

Everyone's comments have been taken into account; there are no scene transitions, and all descriptive paragraphs are a maximum of 4 lines long. Since Glenn said the V.O. dialogue was very heavy-handed, I've tried to trim it down. The flashback scene on the aeroplane has also been cut entirely.

I got an email from a producer's assistant saying she was giving this to her boss for his weekend read. Something that all you old-hands are probably used to, but something I found very exciting! Haven't heard anything back, but even if I don't I'm going to take it as a vote of confidence that this isn't entirely along the wrong lines.

Hope anyone who reads it thinks it's an improvement. I've managed to trim it down to a more respectable 15 pages. I've almost finished adapting another short - Quitters, Inc. This one is voice-over free! And also completely different in tone. I hope to have it submitted by the end of the week.

Any reads of the new draft WILL be returned! I'll happily read two or three shorts in exchange, since this is quite a long'un.

Cheers all,

Jon

Hey!

Solid story, and solidly told.  Just a few nit-picky things:

"My parents didn't really
punish me, but I'm not sure if my
mother ever fully forgave me. Things
were never the same between us until
she died, six years later."

I'm not sure how necessary it is to say that the mom died six years later, its just a little distracting, and weird to think that a Mom would hold a grudge for that long.  I know that this is based off a stePhen King story, and I haven't read it so I'm not sure if that part is in it or not. if it is, just know that it's okay to leave it out from your script.  You might instead say something about how his parents were just happy everyone was okay, and that the whole thing seemed to be over but wasn't, as you continue in your next blurb of dialogue.

ALso, you might want to read through this, out loud is usually the best way.  You have a few words missing,and I remember seeing one period where you meant o have a comma.

I was a little disappointed with the ending, too.  Really just what was written in the letter.  I felt like what you had written in the letter (and probably what was written in the short story) just didn't pack the punch that was being set up.  I was hoping it would say something like:  "I can't hold on much longer."  Too me, at least, that is so much more dramatic than what you (/stephen king) currently have written in her letter.

Once again, don't be afraid to sway from Mr. Kings story.  Look at the ending to the mist--completely different than what was in the novella, and all the better for it IMHO.

Anyway, hope this helps.  If you have any questions, feel free to ask.

-Tyler

Thanks for the review, Tyler. Unluckily you've reviewed the old draft when Don emailed me earlier telling me the new one would be up tonight. And in the new one, the whole 'mother died six years later' has been cut out, since it was my addition and didn't work.

As to the ending...fair enough. I personally like the letter, but of course others will disagree. I'm glad you felt there was a build-up to the letter, since when I first read the story I remember wanting more and more to know what was on the letter as the story continued. For me, the letter is so sad because Kitty is saying that everything she's experienced since that day has been so awful, that her life has been so bad, that she wishes she'd died in that barn as a child. That Larry hadn't saved her, that the miracle had never taken place. It's not a suicide note, more than that. But, of course, I'll see if anyone else agrees with you.

The new draft should be up very soon. It's shorter, tighter...better, hopefully. Any reads will be returned. Thanks all.

Jon

New draft is up!

Any feedback would be appreciated. I'm close to finishing two other shorts, but still want to know if there are any ways I could improve this.

Thanks!

Jon

Hey Jon

Below are notes I made whilst reading. I'll follow it up with a bit more of an ordered review.

Nice match cut. White dress/envelope

Introduce Larry straight away instead of MAN. Also, the first paragraph can be reduced to just the envelope landing on the floor. Describe the hallway a little as Larry walks down it. Trim it.

Miss out the 'Larry's reaction to what he reads' as they are wasted words. Just get on with describing how he reacts, we know what it is to.

Don't need the CLOSE ON. Just describe the girl smiling back at him. You need to have faith in both your writing and the imagination of a director. He'll get what you are suggesting through your actions, not through your direction.

You say twenty years ago in the slug and in the action. Neither of these are SHOWN. A super is the only way to show it.

Again, introduce characters by name straight away, instead of GIRL/BOY.

You don't need the continuous' in the slug-line anymore. No biggy but they aren't important.

Believing in the hay - nice introduction of theme.

Page 8. Don't need 'And that's when...' That's very novel-like. Just say, the ladder breaks. Also, would there not be something before? Like a louder creak? A snap? That's what you should be describing, like you do afterwards.

Paranthesis are overused a bit. Don't use them for how you want the actors to act or for things that are easily understood by what's going on, like (he can't believe it). They should only be used for clarification, when dialogue goes against the actions or how something is said is the total opposite of what you would expect. Eg, I hate you (lovingly) I love you (scornfully)

Page 13. No need to say 'We are close enough now to see...' If you're describing it then we are obviously close enough as otherwise there would be no reason for you to describe it.