Dead Lost by Cindy L. Keller and Jack Cook - Short, Horror - Two bumbling organ traffickers, posing as paramedics,  lose a "special body" they had been threatened about that was meant for The Electrician. 16 pages - pdf, format

This started out pretty tight and steadily got messier as I read on. I read the first 5 pages or so and lost interest, but here's my comments on the beginning:

If Flip was angry, would he really hum a tune while he was waiting? It doesn't sound like an angry thing to do.

Why would Eddie look confused if he obviously suggested he stay with the radio so that nobody would steal it?

Some messy writing on page 3, lots of errors.

What is a "what does it all mean look"? This could just be a pensive look that Eddie asks about.

Go over this with a finer-toothed comb.

James

I agree with James, the script is a little messy, typos everywhere, you should proofread the script and try fixing it up. Also trying coming up with a bit of new dialog, there's a lot of personal talk in this script instead of business talk, when writing you should try to use the dialog to move the script forward. But other than all of that stuff, good little script there.

Good Luck in the future,

Xavier

Quoted from Xavier typos everywhere. Also trying coming up with a bit of new dialog, there's a lot of personal talk in this script instead of business talk, when writing you should try to use the dialog to move the script forward. Xavier

Wow. I read through the script again. I found three typos in this 16 page script.
Personal talk instead of business talk???
I don't understand.
I thought the dialogue did work with the scene to move the script forward...

James,

Flip wasn't angry, just aggitated. That's his personality. He gets upset, and shrugs it off real easy.
As for Eddie looking confused, it had been a while since Flip was there at the van. He acted that way as if not to give a second thought as to giving Flip an order, and him taking it easy.

Jack and I wrote this script because he thought a pair of argumentative, but comedic friends, who are rising celebrities might want to use it for a bit of publicity. He showed them the script.  They liked it, but passed on making a film...  

This script is on the back burner for now. I asked for his okay to post it since it is idle. He said fine.

Page 3???
Okay. I'll go back and re-read it.

Thank you both for giving this a read.
I'll go over it with a fine-tooth comb.

Cindy

Pg. 1 - "pant pocket" could go either way.  I would usually say "pants', but I look at this as something like toward/towards.

Pg. 3 - "argo van".

Pg. 3 - Roy's dialogue - "yo won't get nothin'"

Pg. 4 - Eddie's dialogue - "What is dude?"

Pg. 12 - Roy's truck screeches to a "hault"

Pg. 13 - "agains Eddie's head"

That's all I found, which I don't think constitutes a script being littered with typos.  For reference, with words like "would, coulda, should, gotta, etc." you don't ned an apostrophe at the end.

Anyway, from a story standpoint, I liked it.  It had a little bit of a different feel to it for the kind of script it was, and gave it a fresh take.  At first I thought it was going to turn into Flip's dream, which wouldn't have been bad, just predictable.

I didn't particularly care for the use of OS at the end.  Things like that are better reserved for just a line or two.

Anyway, nice work you two.  I'm not familiar with Jack, but one other little tidbit:  If you guys worked on this together, your names should be separated by an ampersand.

By messy I didn't necessarily mean typos. Some of the descriptions and actions could be tightened up and made more concise.

EX: (pg.3)
Flip and Eddie head to the front of the ambulance, open the
doors and get inside. The MOTOR starts. It revs a few times.
They drive away.

This was three lines to describe them driving away. Concise. Unless the revving motor is supposed to get a laugh?

But if we're going to be picky:

1. "gonna" doesn't need an apostrophe after it

2. "plasted" - Plastered? Pasted?

3. "gonna" again
"THE INSIDE OF THE AMUBLANCE", then Capitalize "looks" and add a "c" to "argo"
"oh really face" should be "oh really" face
Not sure why the body made a "plop" sound, was it bloody?
"yo" to "you"

4. "I'll be horn toad." ?
"Alright. What is dude?" What is it dude?

5. There's that gonna' again!

Enough of that. I read the rest and found almost no errors the rest of the way.

Once you've established the monster's name is Reggie, call him that the rest of the way. No more need for "monster" or "monster man". The end was a little hokey, but worked with the characters. Sorry if my first post offended, but take all criticism as constructive.

James

Hey Mike,
Thanks for giving this a read. Glad you liked it, too.
I don't think Jack is a member here, but I know he has visited this site before. That's how he found me to write this script for him.
I'll have to fix the typos.

And James,
Thank you again for giving this a read.
I'll fix the typos.

Cindy

Hey Cindy, sorry for the crappy review last time, I was reading in a hurry and had a bad headache, I'm in the middle of producing the worst short of my life as a Film Academy project for my friend and it's very annoying.

I reread the script, I admit that that I might have mislead you when saying there were typos everywhere, there's just somethings I don't understand while reading it (some of the actions and most of the dialogue) it's just the way that you write it make it harder for me to picture the way it's done in the story.

One thing that I like about your script is how you write you actions.. How you keep the actions short. It makes for a very easy read.

It was an good story with an okay plot. Better than most of my shorts.

Anyhow, Good Luck in the future,

Xavier

Xavier,

That's cool. Hope things get better for you.

It seems Jack did some reconstruction on this script last year. He e-mailed me the script today, and I just finished reading it.

Hopefully he will let me post it.

It has a different ending, and different things going on in the middle...
A much better draft, indeed.

Thanks again for giving this a read.

Cindy

Hey Cindy and Jack,

I thought this was pretty good.

It did have some unnecessary dialogue here and there that didn't really add much IMHO.

I didn't really understand the part with Roy, but I'm probably slow today.  

I thought it would be kind of cool if Roy would have died in a fight with Reggie and then Eddie and Flip could have taken Roy's body with them in the back of their van instead.

Too bad it didn't get filmed, but you still ended up with a new short to your collection.

pia  

Hi Pia,

Thank you for reading. Yes, it is bad that it didn't get produced. I was hoping...

Don put up the new draft this morning, and as you mentioned something with the body... well, in this draft there is something "different" with the body. Not what you suggested, but something else that I think is pretty neat.

And thank you Don for getting the new draft up.

Cindy

Cindy and Jack-

The rewrite is better, easier to read. Did I notice a lot more throw-away jokes? I can't remember if the stuff with the juice box and the nachos were in the first version. If so, these don't add much to the script, but they are funny.

I think you should hold off on showing Reggie eating the deer until both Flip and Eddie are together for more of a punch.

With the new ending, I think there should be something about how little the job pays or something to make it more ironic.

James

Hey James,
Glad you found the rewrite easier to read. No, the juice box and nachos weren't in the other draft. It is something Jack wrote in this time.

I think having the two of them together when finding Reggie could be played up a lot and get some laughs, too.  

I'm not sure about the pay. They were told they'd get extra money for this one because he was "special".

Thanks for giving the rewrite a read James. I appreciate it.

Cindy

This wasn't bad.

I echo earlier thoughts in that a lot of the dialogue could easily be cut out. An awful lot of it is internalised thought process and could be got across with an expression.

I'd look to get it down to around 10 minutes if I were you. There's a lot of fat. Even the opening could be stripped down. Do we need to know about the radio? Do we need to see the Mortician leaving the room and coming back? It's all extraneous to the actual story.

Also it doesn't actually make a lot of sense if you really think about it. Why would the criminals be keeping a big bag of money in the Morgue? Perhaps I've misunderstood, but wouldn't the corrupt morticians be getting the money for sending out illegal body parts? I can't see why they would be delivering money in this way.

Still, with a bit of work I think this would make a nice little film. It doesn't have a great deal of depth or intensity though.

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films This wasn't bad. I echo earlier thoughts in that a lot of the dialogue could easily be cut out. An awful lot of it is internalised thought process and could be got across with an expression. I'd look to get it down to around 10 minutes if I were you. There's a lot of fat. Even the opening could be stripped down. Do we need to know about the radio? Do we need to see the Mortician leaving the room and coming back? It's all extraneous to the actual story. Also it doesn't actually make a lot of sense if you really think about it. Why would the criminals be keeping a big bag of money in the Morgue? Perhaps I've misunderstood, but wouldn't the corrupt morticians be getting the money for sending out illegal body parts? I can't see why they would be delivering money in this way. Still, with a bit of work I think this would make a nice little film. It doesn't have a great deal of depth or intensity though.

Thank you for giving this a read.

I see where you're coming from with trimming it down some.  

As for the money, well, this is something that Jack wrote in in this draft and sent to me; and since it is his story, I didn't have anything to say, but I think I do like it better than the last draft we wrote together.
As for why, well, they said this one was "special", so looks like they are going in a new direction, and not letting the guys in on it.

Thanks again for giving it a read.
Cindy