Daphne's Inferno by Daniel Meade (electricsatori) - Short - Daphne goes sailing with her boyfriend. They run into bad weather. 5 pages - pdf, format

This was a compact little story, well told.  You made good use of the jumps in time.  I would have liked you to stay a bit longer on the ending, possibly explaining exactly what happened to Rick.  Maybe they were right next to each other, dying, and didn't even know it.  Otherwise, this was a quick, compelling read.

This read like a part of a bigger story.  Before I could get into it, it was over.  It was nicely told, though.  I just wish there was more.


Phil

Thank you, Phil. I always appreciate your perspective. I can think of no better compliment than a reader (or viewer) wanting more. (My head begins to inflate of its own accord). Heh heh, thanks for taking the time to read this.

Cam17, yes, quite astute. They were right next to each other, oblivious to each other's fate. I would like to say this is a part to a longer piece, but I have not felt very driven to explore these characters.

Thanks for the reviews!

Hi electricsatori,

I just stumbled across this on the forums, and noticed it was posted earlier on in the year. I agree with the previous comments on this thread. It was pretty well written and a good story, but it is crying out for a bit more depth- It's a bit 'wham that's your lot'. Just a few more pages could really do the story great justice.

I just wondered whether you had revisited the script at all in the past months, as it is well worth tinkering with.

I'll check out your other shorts in the next few days

Craig

Hey Craig,

Interesting, I was just checking up on my old scripts and found you had just read this. If you're checking out some of my other work you should skip 'Things Left for Tomorrow' and 'Blur.' Both of which are pure s h i t t e.
However, you might be interested in 'Sunday is the Worst Day to Die of the Plague,' and 'Dust and Roses,' as I am proud of both of those and think they are enjoyable reads. You can find Sunday is... under my real name - Daniel Meade

Thanks for checking out my work!

Yes, I am most defintely going to rework this one and give it more depth, the story does leave a lot of questions and I have grown enough as a writer to answer them.

-Daniel

Hi Daniel,


It will be interesting to see a rework of 'Dapne's Inferno', I'm sure it would be worthwhile.

I'll check out 'Dust' and 'Sunday' over the next few days.

Cheers,

Craig

PS- Kudos to the writer who can label his own work as pure shite!

Daniel

This was a really good piece. I loved the non linear storytelling element, really added a kick to what is in essence it’s a straightforward story. Your clearly structured, yet jumbled 3 acts (II, I, III) approach worked extremely effectively within the brisk 5 pages in creating the necessary drama and payoff.

Sharp writing all through this, you worded the descriptions brilliantly. I really got that sense of impending doom against an indomitable force of nature when capturing the arrival of the sea spout, especially in the line "A sea spout, like a black finger, presses down." simple yet powerfully visual prose which gives the reader some idea of what picture you are trying to create.

Nice continuity too with Rick going to retrieve the wedding ring followed by Daphne's hand skimming the water. Again, a simple technique but it works well. Layered in subtext too, the placidness of the water now, compared to the wrath it incurs later on. Something we already know by this time.

Since it would require an astronomical budget to do this as a live action, have you thought of other ways it could be done? I suppose animation is probably your only alternative. Could work well as a dark, eerie short anime film though, do it without any dialogue, just a music backdrop, I dunno maybe I'm talking sh?t here but I reckon it could be pretty cool, synchroning the music to the swell and fall of the raging ocean. The Dark Side of Oz comes to mind when Dorothy is being swept away in the storm to Pink Floyd's "The Great Gig in the Sky". Contrast that with the calm and sweetness of the second scene proposal along with the grim finality (really reminded me of the end of Titanic by the way, apologies if you take that as an insult, but it’s a good ending here) of the closing images.

I found the offhand way you described her dismembered leg "She notices her right leg has been chopped off" to be possibly the only clunky line in the script, it just stuck out for me and didn't sit right when I read it, probably cause the rest of it was so smoothly executed. It just felt phrased too blasé considering what it was telling us.

Speaking of the end, I noticed a mystical thread running through this, the sheer biblical magnitude of the storm and appearance of such a phenomenon like the sea spout with the cryptic last line "One star begins to grow more vibrant than the rest. A large white star, becoming brighter, closer." hinting at some emergence of an afterlife or higher power, again I could be getting this all wrong, feel free to shut me up.

Anyway, I enjoyed this a lot, a clever structure, properly implemented. Refreshing to see someone write a short with absolutely no regard for budget or feasibility, just going for something as big and dramatically as you can get, combined with the human element of the misfortunate couple.

Fine job.

Col.

This was a very well written, excellent little vignette.

I am not sure if opening it up, making it larger, would be of benefit - some stories are best left as they are, and the power of this short is in the fact that you successfully convey so much in so few pages.

Make it bigger and I think it possible that you would make it more mundane.

I like this. Straight, concise. The way you told your story was interesting imo. Nothing bad to say overall, cept maybe would be nice to see more.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 Daniel Since it would require an astronomical budget to do this as a live action, have you thought of other ways it could be done? I suppose animation is probably your only alternative. Could work well as a dark, eerie short anime film though, do it without any dialogue, just a music backdrop, I dunno maybe I'm talking sh?t here but I reckon it could be pretty cool, synchroning the music to the swell and fall of the raging ocean. The Dark Side of Oz comes to mind when Dorothy is being swept away in the storm to Pink Floyd's "The Great Gig in the Sky". Contrast that with the calm and sweetness of the second scene proposal along with the grim finality (really reminded me of the end of Titanic by the way, apologies if you take that as an insult, but it’s a good ending here) of the closing images.

Very interesting idea. I am a very big animation fan, especially epic pieces which blend music and live action. Films like 'The Wall' and 'Natural Born Killers,' which blend the ethereal with the real have always had a strong appeal for me.

Yes, I think it would be better as an animation, and the special effects would be easy and seemless.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 Speaking of the end, I noticed a mystical thread running through this, the sheer biblical magnitude of the storm and appearance of such a phenomenon like the sea spout with the cryptic last line "One star begins to grow more vibrant than the rest. A large white star, becoming brighter, closer." hinting at some emergence of an afterlife or higher power, again I could be getting this all wrong, feel free to shut me up.

You are 100% correct. That is exactly what I was going far. It is very gratifying to know someone picked up on that, since this was the image which sparked the entire piece.


Thank you very much for your feedback.
I will remove the clunky descriptions which you pointed out.
And I think it's time to start submitting this to animation houses.
Thanks for the support!

-Daniel

electricsatori,

Or Dan. Whichever you prefer. Must google that name later. What's it mean if you don't mind?

Now then. Interesting little story. Slim on character decriptions but then again we're in short land so that's fair enough. Cut straight to the chase.

Quoted from DI Rick abandons the sails and runs over to Daphne.

There's nothing wrong with this and it's the way most people would write the line. But the 'and' word should be 'then' as technically at the moment it reads to me as if he does both at the same time. And he doesn't.

Quoted from DI Rick flings open the compartment. There is only one life jacket.

Oh dear! An excellent bit of writing with this and the build up. Impressive in such a short time.

Quoted from DI For the last time.

Some would complain about that line. But you won't see me among them.

Quoted from DI It sounds quite like bones breaking.

Again, there's nothing wrong with this line. Just read a bit clumsily me to, particularly compared to the quality of writing so far.

Alright. Enough of the quoting as I don't want to spoil the story for others.

Overall, an enjoyable short story. I can't agree that it needs to be longer. I think it's just about right as is. I'll have a look at some of your other stuff soon. Good work fella.

RV

Quoted from rendevous electricsatori, Or Dan. Whichever you prefer. Must google that name later. What's it mean if you don't mind?

You know, I've been using this name for almost 5 years now and you are the first person to ask me what it means.
I guess the meaning is personal, specific to my experience.
Electric refers to the synaptic processes in the brain, meaning to me, organic and biological. While Satori simply means what it is, illumination.

Daniel, Electric, Lenny, Satori, Macky, Edward, all of the names are pretty much the same to me.

Quoted from rendevous Now then. Interesting little story. Slim on character decriptions but then again we're in short land so that's fair enough. Cut straight to the chase. Overall, an enjoyable short story. I can't agree that it needs to be longer. I think it's just about right as is. I'll have a look at some of your other stuff soon. Good work fella. RV

Thanks for your grammar and style fixes, I couldn't respond to them because it would not grab in the quotes. However, when I submit this piece I will fix all the clunky descriptions according to your recommendations. Thanks so much for your attention to detail.

I'm really happy you enjoyed this, hopefully you will like some of the longer pieces I will be posting soon!

-Daniel

A very nice tragedy you have here.

This is very well written so I got nothing in the way of criticizm.

I really enjoyed the poetic style of your writing. Made the piece enjoyable to read.

loved the last line with the stars shinging brightly. so subtle an image yet makes a powerful profound statement.  At least we know her soul is moving on to a better place. Good stuff.