Things Left For Tomorrow by Daniel Meade (electricsatori) - Short - Jamies finds out why you should mend your relationships sooner versus later. 4 pages - pdf, format

From a content perspective, I can't say more than "too short".  In this space, you don't really build up characters, explain the choices of the characters beyond superficial exposition (why did Jamie go off to college far away?  Why did that anger his father?), and your idea - the son who left his loving family/father, who then died on him - is at the moment no more than a kernel, and is not too original either.  What makes your idea better than any other before it?

From a structure perspective, there are more problems.
1)  An establishing shot is an external shot, and serves little purpose in this script.
2)  "An open beer sitting on the counter top, its German label peeling slightly".  One sentence.
3)  A better slugline than "INT. LIVING ROOM - SAME" would be simply "LIVING ROOM".
4)  You tell too much.  Half of what you write won't make it to the viewer, who can't read your descriptions.  How is Jamie "Tired and sad".  How do we know the younger Jamie is also him?  How do we know the ghosts are his parents, or even that they're ghosts.  You need to cut this description and use proper exposition.
5)  I'm assuming "GHOST JAMIE (O.S.) means he's on the other side of the phone.  In that case, "(on phone)" makes more sense, or "(V.O.)" if you want to stick to the standard.  "O.S." means he's in the scene, just not in camera view at the moment.
6)  Continued is used when a page breaks up a single speech, not between every page.
7)  Incomplete sentence when Jamie heads back into the room.  His ghost parents fill the what?
  The Ghost scenes get a bit crowded once you get to ghost thieves.  When they kick in the door, is this a ghost door that exists in parallel to the real door?  Or have you switched by now to a standard flashback?
9)  Don't write Match Cut - that's the director's job.
10)  With the picture, I would just describe the picture, put in the new slugline, and then write a description explaining that this is the scene of the aforementioned picture.  Things like "Match cut", "Back to scene", "The picture starts moving" just complicate things.  Also, don't write "FLASHBACK" in the slugline, and I wouldn't write it at all unless you want it as a super - any reader/viewer with a brain should figure it out.
11)  There's no reason for "slips" to be in ALL CAPS.  Likewise with "wincing", "pulls", "BREAKS", and "TWO".  ALL CAPS is used only for sound effects 99% of the time.
12)  At the end, which Jamie says "Oh poppa"?


Hope these comments helped.  Good luck and keep writing!

Daniel

I think Jerdol covers most of the grammer/technical errors.

"A still house." -- Not being a smart a?s but I've never heard of a house doing anything else?? Elaborate a bit more here.

I thought this was ok. As said above, further development would be welcome. You could definitely flesh out at least 8 or 9 pages here.

This would allow you to focus on the present day happens instead of telling us everything through flasbacks with nothing from the present to back it up or relate it too.

All you've got is Jamie standing in the one locale, recollecting a few pivotal events between him & his father, it feels a little static.

We have no idea for example how Jamie has turned out as a person, what does he do for a living, his relationship with his mother is totally overlooked.

Keep at it, you got something good here.

Col.

Jerdol,

Your comments absolutely helped.

Thank you very much for reviewing this. I appreciate your formatting advice and will apply it accordingly.
May I ask you, for spec scripts what do you reference for industry standards?
I have been using "The Screenwriter's Bible," by David Trottier.

Yes, there doesn't seem to be anything unique here. Nothing, at least, that hasn't been done a thousand times. I don't like to make excuses, so I guess I shouldn't. There was no reason why I should have ever published this piece. My formatting and revisions were sloppy, at best.

1. Agreed, it does serve little purpose here.
2. Grammar is my bane! Heh heh, thanks.
3. Yes, once the master scene heading has been established, I agree totally.
4. I couldn't agree with you more that there is a lot of showing versus telling in this script and think you offered wonderful advice all around.
5. That was just plain lazy on my part. Thank you for the stylistic reminder.
6. I can't seem to get Celtx to stop typing continued at the bottom of each page. Any suggestions? Anybody?
7. I'm embarrassed by the amateurish revisions I did on this script.
8. Here is where I believe a slugline - FLASHBACK would be appropriate. Correct me if I'm wrong.
9. Thanks, I can blame that one on Trottier.
10. I am all for keeping things simple.
11. Really? I've been using that in action scenes to hasten the pace. Used incorrectly here, but I did believe you could use CAPS as mini-sluglines in action scenes.
12. The real Jamie.

Jerdol, wow, thanks x100 for your wonderfully detailed review. I will take everything you said and revise accordingly.


Thanks for your time!

-Daniel

Hello Daniel,

I'll not go over old ground.

I got the idea that Jamie was looking back into past but the message wasn't conveyed clearly.

When Jamie says "Oh, poppa".  It sounds like he's full of remorse for something, but what?

As your story is abit all over the place.  I think you should concentrate on his parents demise and Jamie's inability to save the situation.

All the best,


Javier