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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Shelton's Admit One filmed as Poetry Man Moderators: bert
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  Author    Shelton's Admit One filmed as Poetry Man  (currently 4171 views)
Don
Posted: February 4th, 2009, 8:23pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Admit One (filmed as Poetry Man) by Mike Shelton - Short - A  chance meeting between two people from different backgrounds and with little in common, proves that you can't judge a book by its cover. 11 pages - pdf, format







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Shelton  -  August 3rd, 2010, 6:04pm
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steven8
Posted: February 4th, 2009, 9:56pm Report to Moderator
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Very good!  Very good!  You had me fooled as well, in that I was thinking, "Why are homeless guys always lost poets or philosophers?"  Very cool!!

That girl is a 'separated at birth', with a young lady who used to work in our office.
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Don
Posted: February 4th, 2009, 10:33pm Report to Moderator
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Spoilers************






I liked the script.  My response, however,  is clouded by having watched the film first then read the script.  Insert usual comment about sound quality here (which the screenwriter has no control over).  They should have left the original ending as scripted rather than have it end with Victor saying, "Dress rehearsal".  As filmed, at the end Victor came across as an old guy looking to nail a co-ed.  As scripted, it came across much less creepy and more so like an actor caught in costume and reacting to the situation.

Don


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bert
Posted: February 4th, 2009, 10:37pm Report to Moderator
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I was going to bust on you about including the whole, entire poem....until I checked and saw that was not your doing.

Hence the title change, I suppose.  And the ending -- with the little wave on the bridge -- is a little cornball.

But again -- turns out all the stuff I was going to complain about wasn't yours.  I think your instincts are getting good, Mike.

Clever premise, and works better with your version (and title).


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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Angry Bear
Posted: February 4th, 2009, 10:45pm Report to Moderator
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The producer/director spits out some good quality stuff in short amount of time.

great job dude. As mentioned earlier, I loved the duck's laughing!  


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Zombie Sean
Posted: February 4th, 2009, 10:58pm Report to Moderator
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That was fantastic. Great editing and acting. Really liked it. I would have read the script first, but I usually get more surprised when watching the film rather than reading the script. But that was a cute ending. Everyone did a great job!


Sean


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Shelton
Posted: February 4th, 2009, 11:08pm Report to Moderator
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Hey guys,

Thanks for watching, glad you enjoyed the film and the script for those who looked at both.

As far as the title of the script itself, I can't really take credit for it.  I had a discussion with Daryl, the director, during the day a couple weeks back, and he gave me a basic setup which I fabricated this story around that night using "Vagrant" as a placeholder.

I sent the script off, and the next morning I got word that he liked it, and suggested a few alternate titles.  I ended up liking Admit One the most, since it applied with the ticket aspect, yet had a little deeper meaning as well, so I went with that.

There was a bit of talk about building up the tension aspect at the beginning, and I was a little surprised that it went the way it did with the newspaper and what not after the fact, but I was happy with how that part turned out.

I found the sound to be of fairly good quality, but was disappointed that Jill's initial response to Victor's "Thanks for not running away" dropped out a bit.

One question... Did Victor's acting display come off as obvious right away, or did you buy into the fact that he could really be angry, as Jill did?  I'm a little torn on that part.  

A funny note about that part, my wife thought I used some dialogue from the opening scene of "Happiness", which it isn't even close to, but I thought it was cool since I like that scene so much.

Thanks again, everybody.


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"I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper." - Steve Martin
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steven8
Posted: February 4th, 2009, 11:19pm Report to Moderator
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I thought it was obvious he was pulling her leg on the acting part.  But her belief that he was irrate seemed genuine enough.
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sniper
Posted: February 5th, 2009, 2:45am Report to Moderator
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Hey Mike,

Congratulations. I thought the overall production here was pretty damn solid. It's a good story but like others have mentioned...the script (especially the ending) worked better.

Cheers
Rob


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Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load
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tonkatough
Posted: February 5th, 2009, 2:53am Report to Moderator
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Another Yak Yak moment from chatterbox Shelton.

Are you as talkative as your characters you write about?

I don't know if it was the actors or the direction, but I was mesmerized as I watched at how fluid and natural the dialouge just flowed of the actors tounges. It felt so real and genuine. Beautiful stuff.

Shelton's dialouge rocks!  


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mcornetto
Posted: February 5th, 2009, 3:28am Report to Moderator
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Hey Mike,

Good work.  That director must really like corny romantic endings.  Luckily your scripts are solid enough to handle such changes.  Well done.
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Shelton
Posted: February 5th, 2009, 9:40am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from tonkatough

Shelton's dialogue rocks!  


For posterity.

To answer your question, probably.  I do have a habit of talking a lot, but I can go the other way and listen a lot as well, which is probably more beneficial when it comes to writing dialogue.


Quoted from mcornetto
Good work.  That director must really like corny romantic endings.  Luckily your scripts are solid enough to handle such changes.  Well done


Yeah, he definitely likes the more lighthearted stuff, which doesn't bother me at all cause I have a habit of writing things like that quite a bit.  The collaborations we've done so far have gone very well, and I look forward to doing more if the opportunity should arise.

And Sniper...I knew it was only a matter of time before someone dropped the Magnum on me.


Shelton's Website

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"I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper." - Steve Martin

Revision History (1 edits)
Shelton  -  February 5th, 2009, 12:59pm
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Angry Bear
Posted: February 5th, 2009, 12:27pm Report to Moderator
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He did a good job especially on such short notice.  Makes you wonder why it takes some competitions especially years to make a winning short into film.

He had good actors too.


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Breanne Mattson
Posted: February 5th, 2009, 12:43pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Mike, good job. I think itís a good example of how a story can have a good twist without an Earth shattering twist. Itís simple and sweet and effective. Yes, the ending was sappy, even for me. But itís the kind of ending that a lot of people will like so maybe the director is just ďgiving them what they wantĒ so to speak.

Either way, nice job. To you, the director, the actors, and the crew. Itís above average.


Breanne



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stebrown
Posted: February 5th, 2009, 2:35pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Mike, just read the script and watched the film. Good stuff all round.Have to agree with the earlier comment that 'Shelton's dialogue rocks!' The script really flowed and the guy who played Victor did a great job I thought.

I have to say that the ending in the film is pure stilton but if that's what the director likes then what the hell, it still works.

Good stuff fella.


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